Old Stomping grounds

Today you embarked on a journey back to the land where we were last in love. Along the way you stopped and ventured in a town that hold delight for me. Do you stop during your visit and wonder what it would be like to share the moment with me? Were you overcome with a desire to have me along your side while you strolled the town square? Or were you blind to it all and I too full of sentiment to my own good?

Now that your back in "our" town. The town where we first stood as two fully independent adults, a place where we separated from all that we had know and were left to rally our strength and face our weaknesses. A place that we flourished. A place that will always have a tender place in my heart and a pull on my soul.

Is it weird being back without me? Can you feel my presence, as my spirit lingers in our old hangouts. As you travel down the same streets that were once familiar do you remember how I would criticize your driving and brace against the door? Do I even register in your thoughts anymore? Will your time back in "our" town bring me back to you? I am foolish to believe it matters, to think that it will impact you in any way.

As you gather in the old familiar places, as you reconnect with old friends and as you embark on your new journey I hope I linger a little in your thoughts. I hope there are good memories of us. I hope this doesn't pull you down or sadden you but rather that it allows you a moment to slow down and embrace the pleasure it offers.

Today my thoughts kept drafting there to "our" town. I can clearly picture the neat square layout of the city. The bright lights of the city's skyline. The cool breeze that once hold so much wonder. I can recall the greasy smell of bars the quite of the streets lined with trees and the people lined avenues. Such fondness makes my heart ache. Knowing that you're there and I'm here makes me envious in ways I couldn't of foretold.

Mourns Grace

Your light caress is still playing on repeat in my mind.
Last night was so easy.

With your light kiss on my forehand and our deeper kisses. Today I mourn their lost.

Your warm breath on my neck that sends chills down my spine.

What is this effect you have on me?

Lying in your arms still feels like home, even after all this time.

Waking up and knowing that you are there. Knowing that even for as brief as it was, it was the highlight of my weekend.

Here I sit

Here I sit
Doing the exact same motions as
Yesterday
Thinking the exact same thoughts as
Yesterday
Feeling the exact same void as
Yesterday

Here I sit
In a trance thinking about us
Even when in the back of mind
And in my heart there is no us

Here I sit
Hopeful for tomorrow
Cautious for the spell to break
It will eventually I know

Here I sit
On the fringe of delight
Of experiencing love
With someone new

Here I sit
Envisioning a carefree
Tomorrow
Permitting a change to take hold
Tomorrow
Strengthening my soul for all of my
Tomorrows.

A Stranger's Light

A stranger with a fuzzy face
Smeared my final dreams
They fell like ashes to the ground
Where they were promptly stumped

The candle of hope
A beaker of lies spilled over my shame
The forces collided into the truth
Windless sails stopped abruptly

Last night shoved into the light
The dark corner of despair maneuvered
By a skilled hand light flashed on my deepest
Hopes and just like cockroaches they vanished in the light

The effort that was needed
A position held were never apprehended
All that was desired was the forthright title
And a embrace for your heart and affections

Specks of truth shined thru like glimmers of glitter
Brushed away by a careless hand and the unyielding
Optimism for a fairy tale ending
For a aspiration of esteem yet the price too high to pay

Fighting against a small doubt
A seed was planted against the odds
The road travelled parallel to imaginary
Doubting eyes curved inward

Tight grips of deep hunger falling short
Of passion a love resigned to comfort and
Familiarity yet yearning absolute obsession

Donkey Kick to the stomach

You have been on my mind today, so much in fact that I can feel your presence. You sent me the most innocent text relying news from our mutual friends that are now engaged. I’m so glad you just sent a text because I was instantly jealous and weepy. My first thought was it should us. Why isn’t it us? Then of course I was happy for them. THEY are a good couple. They had/have that whole cuteness factor that we lost so early on. They also have the energy needed for a relationship to survive medical school. WE must definitely do not!
When I was telling some of my girlfriends my reaction, and I mean my lateral pain in the gut tears in my eye reaction I was met with strength and encourage. I was also asked a question that allow for the power of jealousy to move on. “Do you want to get back with XXX” and the answer is no I don’t want to get back with the Ex not the Ex that I left. I must definitely don’t want to go back to holding my breath that marriage would happen with him, my knight in armor. He isn’t a knight and marriage was just a end goal that was so far away that I don’t even know how I ever thought it would happen.
But that’s beside the point. I was on that path leading to marriage and have since been knocked off; now a dear friend has gotten it. I’m right to be jealous at least a little. What is not healthy is remember you all afternoon. All the highlights and skipping our potholes. If I fall apart this easily hearing about them I can’t stand to think how bad I’m going to take to news you will telling me in just a week or so. I know its coming and I can’t stomach the thought. Your fourth and final year of medical school is coming and with it a new location. You will be leaving our town and going on your own. It’s hard for me to grasp that you won’t be near it’s a little to final. I really will be faced with losing you. Which since it’s been 6 months I need to face sooner or later, right?
I can’t believe its been 6 months. In that time I have dated a ton. I have changed my hair. I have moved out on my own for a second time. I have bought a car. I have made manager at a second job. I have shown strength and I have braved it all with a smile. Then a day like today comes and I lose my footing. I start to question my dating. My choice in guys and my inner dialogue isn’t too friendly or positive.
Your influence on my life post you is mind blowing. I have given you so much power that you don’t know. No matter how I twist it no matter how much I dream it or what your mother says. We are done there is no chance that we will get back together and even though on days like today when we are linked I must remember that.
Then and most important is that you are no longer you. You have morphed into someone else. I saw that new person at Mardi gras I saw that person the last time we hooked up. That person isn’t who I have in my mind’s eye. It’s not the memory I’m still in love with. There is a gap between you from us and the you of today. I can’t help but think what role I played in that. I know that sounds selfish but I never wanted to be the kind of women who is responsible for turning a great guy into a jaded asshole.

Lordy its a long one!!

I’m so restless in work in love in life in general. Its been ages since I’ve felt a rush…ok a little melodramatic since it was only Monday that I was so pumped up after my date with shy boy. I’m falling over myself for this guy. OMG I have a huge crush and he is always on my mind. I must distance myself and we all know I suck at distance. Its going to crash and burn and I’ll wind up looking a fool.
I think the latest bout is in reaction to being given the cold shoulder from one dude and then reading touchy romantic books. I hate you James Patterson!!! Your way with words brings tears to my eyes and loneliness to my heart.
I’m deeply engulfed at work. I’m swimming in a pool of guilt and inactivity. I spend more time goofing off and wasting time. I can’t stay focused for more than 15 mins. I have no urge to change and I see NO point in doing anything. I’m slacking and I know it. I think it has to do with the fact that there is nothing to gain there is an end date with my name written on it and it approaches closer and closer every day. Then there are the women I work with. They are great! I’m learning a lot and it has sparked an urge to get back in the classroom. The project I’m working on is very rushed and unorganized to say the least. Once you think you have your footing the rug is swept away and then add to the fact that we are doing this whole thing to ease the transaction into our own job lost. Its hard. Its an emotional drain and for the most part boring.
The second job isn’t the silver lining any more either. I miss the guest interaction I had a cashier. I miss the socialization, the off the cuff conversations with people. I don’t have any of that now that I’m manning the returns desk. I work more with defect goods than with customers, umm guests. The impending demise of my day job is starting to wear on me and I’m not sure if I should take solace in the second job. I not sure if it can pay the bills and keep money in my pocket. Plus I can’t see really see myself doing it 40hrs a week.
With the nature of my current gig I have been thinking a lot about future employment. I have a few friends that have been laid off recently, one fired and a few that are deeply unhappy but stuck for one reason or another. I have the chance to figure it out before I’m unemployed. But at what cost? How does one look for a new full time job while juggling 60hrs of work a week. How do you fit in interviews on a 30min lunch? Do I have a obligation to stay until the end date in August or do I look after me? Do I have the balls to do what is right for me and damn my department and integrity?
It pains me to think about leaving before the end. But I know that it will take 2-4 months to get a job. The find a job that pays what I make now is going to be a challenge. Then there is the very emotional side of job hunting. This was my undoing over the summer. The sinking feeling of failure the oppression that comes with being forced to go out there and dare. Its draining in ways I can’t describe. I can’t go back to that dark hole again. I just recovered from the last time. And I’m no stronger than I was then. I’m happier and more confident in my skill set but no ballsy no tougher no wiser.
Among all this uncertainty about my job future I have been thinking about getting my Masters. It thrills me to even type it. I have yet to say it aloud as if that will wreck it. I knew that getting my BA won’t be it for me but I thought I would want a few more years before going back to the grind of school. Well sitting in this room with ladies going back to school to get their BA’s I am a slight shade of green. I miss the hectic pace of school the juggle of personal work and school. I miss the challenge and if my life is missing something it is most definitely a challenge. Education is an honor to achieve it’s a chance to better yourself and improve your giveback to the world. I’m ready. Sign me up!!!
I know there will be countless hurdles. There is be lost free time and overnights but what do I have to lose? I’m still young with tons of time on my hands. I need this! I need to be forced to focus on something that drives me. I’m not getting it from work I’m most certainly not getting it from my relationships. I need to fill this void. Why not do it with school. I’m a great student. I give it my all. I know what school I went to attend. I’m giddy at the thought of coffee houses and deep discussions about scholarly issues. Proving that I can juggle work, personal and school. I want to say I have a master’s. I want the robe. I want to test of myself. I want to actively use my brain again.
I am floating by in life right now. I hate that I spend my days wishing for the next. Wasting my time and sitting idled twiddling my thumbs.
Shy guy is a very active person. He plays pick up hockey, mountain bikes and goes to several parties a month. He is sweet goofy and charming. He has no game what so ever and it reminds me so much of the Ex. He doesn’t know all that he offers nor does he know how to be a jerk. I would be lying if I said that it doesn’t really bother me. He is a sweet innocent guy. Currently my biggest turn off. I know that the chance that we do anything more that causal date is slim. But hanging out with him as made me realize how much I long to be a couple with a sweet guy again. I’m trying to remind myself that just being I like the thought being a couple I can’t force it and I can’t just expect it with him because I want it in general. I’m enjoying playing the field and I’m playing a rough and tough game. But shy guy reminds me that a soft landing is nice too.

Its Been a long while

So I've been super busy!!! I'm adjusted to being a manager at the second job. Work is also getting ready to pick up at the day job so I'm hoping I can keep up!!

Last weekend I opened on both Saturday and Sunday. It was a crazy start I had cashiers call off and we had a code yellow (a missing child) for 10 mins. All on my second day, talk about being thrown into the fire! I handled it really well and managed to keep calm and collected. I'm so proud of me. I just earned the privilege of being made a trainer too!!! My work ethic rocks! I just hope it come thru for me in August when I lose my sweet day job, darn outsourcing.

I got my nose pierced and I'm totally in love with it!! I feel so bad ass and edgy even though I'm so not. When I whore out for a night out it totally adds that extra edge. Its awesome!!

Lets see I've been dating up a storm but that's not so new. After breaking it off with Hoff he email me asking if I regretted letting him go when I said no he said he hopes my apartment catches on fire! How fun! Goodness we only went on 4 dates so glad I released him when I did!

I've had a few dates with a guy that lives in city. He is nice and smart but the sex is lame. I really enjoy his company and he makes me laugh which is important. He is getting ready to go over seas for 3 weeks to Afghanistan just to be part of history first hand. I think that is incredible. We went out last weekend and had tapas. Some squid, shrimp, salmon and meatballs. Then we went to the same bar I went to with Hampton and I flirted with the bartender again. Gosh he is still hot!!! I almost win the pool game but I missed one the 8 ball after being ahead bu 4 balls. I was a bit pissed. We are going to brunch this Saturday. He likes to try out new places and is always up for new things. He also is daring and not jealous. We shall see where it goes.

Whiskey and I have been getting together a few times a week too. After our 2nd date at his place I was sure I didn't want to talk to him again. Remember him inviting me over for a movie and then not having his DVD player even hooked up? Well I thought I wanted to date him but that night ended that. I got really worked up one morning and sent him a text less than 20mins later he was at my place and the rest is history. We have our fun and then share some pillow talk. I must admit that I enjoy his company but he is being kinda routine and boring. Last night for example he came over we talked for a bit, did our business and then he was just ready to sleep. No round two no kinkiness no grand finish for me. His work is taking too much out of him. I hope he gets his game back.

I'm also dating this shy guy that I had a one night stand with back in Nov 07 when the Ex and I were on a break. He is really sweet but I fear he might be too much of an innocent for me. I'm going out with tonight.

This weekend I had the whole thing off so of course I was super busy. Friday I was suppose to go out with a guy I had a huge crush on in high school and thanks to facebook just find again. However when I texted him to confirm our meet up time he called me and told me he just got fired from his job. Needless to say there was no date. I was stunned and didn't really know what to say. I wonder if we will go out soon. He called me snuffling and I really don't remember what I said but I tried really hard to be nice and comforting...neither are strong points for me. I ended up meeting up with two guys for drinks and then going out with some girlfriends of mine from college.

Its been a really long time since I have been out with the ladies and I dragged my GF with me. We had a DD and cover paid. Longnecks were a buck and there was line dancing and cowboys everywhere. I didn't make it home until 5am!!! I made out with a ugly guy that bought me a round of drinks and then he won't leave me alone...I'm afaird my friends weren't too subtle about blowing him off. But I did click with a cowboy so I gave my number to. He is skinny...like omg skinny and is a true country boy. He tours with the PBR rodeo and has a hog farm on 16 acres. He is such a gentleman. I woke up Saturday with a text from him asking me out. We did go out last night and had some BBQ and went bowling, he won the first game and I won the second (I bowled a 126 including 3 strikes!!!) there was flirty touches, doors opened, and lots of cutesy kissing. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Today I had plans to meet with the guys from Friday but when I didn't hear from them I went to lunch with a GF of mine. Oh it was such a yummy taco wrap. Tonight is date night with Shy boy, bring on the cuddling!!!