If I say, write and repeat it enough it will come true

Inspired by “What I know Now” Letters to my younger Self edited by Ellyn Spragins

This year will be one for self reflection this is the year I will turn and look inside of myself and heal. After the bumpy ride that was 2009 I will take the time for self reflection and for discovering who I am. I will stop being busy just to be busy. I will face the fear of being alone with my thoughts.

They are what they are and I must face them if I ever want to be healthy and truly functional. I will mend my broken heart and stand on my own two feet. I am worth it. I will start honoring the women I am. This is the year that I will be selective. I will live by a greater standard.

2009 was a year that turned my life upside down and forced me to stop and reevaluate life. July and August were at my lowest of lows, I was unemployed, broke, bed ridden and deeply depressed. Being down and still beating myself up for my failures.

It was also the end of the Ex and me. After 5 years of being together we realized that there wasn’t love there. There was comfort most days and familiarity so it was easy to keep pace but the thrill and excitement were gone. It took too much work denying the voice inside, the one that said ‘hey this isn’t the fit for you’. Remember freshman year of college and all the late night talks with your RA when you confessed you weren’t sure if you wanted to even date him but it was easier to stay. Even then it was easier to stay and have fun then too be alone. Why was I so scared of being alone?

Granted I am who I am today because of my love with the Ex and that means a lot to me but I know that I have robbed myself of so much. I vested time in a fairy tale that won’t be happening. Along the ride there were stops there were flashing lights that I just blocked out. Like the night I slapped a guy for getting fresh and the Ex just stood idle doing nothing. Or when I broke down the first time and he went silent? Or when I missed my Aunt memorial service to help move him to Iowa? When we broke up the first time because he wasn’t supporting me and was all take but distant? Or every time I soften and made excuses or now when I forget what a disappointment he was for me. When I linger in day dreams that you were good together that he is the man I need. Why is it so hard to accept that it’s not right it’s not the proper fit and you have already wasted enough energy on him? MOVE ON but don’t beat yourself up over it.

This New Year I need to prove to myself that I am strong and can be my person. I hate the habits I have I know that I’m hurting but my behaviors aren’t helping. I need to be good to myself because if I can’t be then why would someone else be? I need to curtail my drinking. It is not normal to drink most of the week. It’s not healthy to rely so heavy on the bottle. I don’t my adult life revolving around the bottle. I will not say that I will be strict on it by saying no drinking mid week, no drinking before 5 or on Sundays. I will become more mindful of it though. I will go out with having to have a drink to fit in. I will try and stop driving after drinking. I AM NOT invincible JUST BECAUSE MY DAD DEAD IN A CAR. I am not safe because of some weird belief that GOD won’t let me die in a car because that how my dad dead. I am sicken by the amount of time my mom spends drinking. Sure she does things without drinking but when you’re in your 40s and drinking is a central part of your life it’s sad. I don’t want to be like that.

With romance and love I need to slow down and stay positive. I need to remind myself that I’m young and have tons of time for marriage and babies. Just because a lot of my peers are married or getting married is not a reason to feel pressured and bitter. Marriage and love isn’t something you can force. I can’t even name 5 reasons I want to be marriage that are for me and that don’t have to do with social pressure. I also really need to get over the fact that it didn’t happen with the Ex and that is OK. I want a good marriage but first I need to discover who the hell I am. Currently I’m dating just to be dating. I have no standard and I’m easily impressed and flittered. A guy throws a bit of attention towards me and I’m to weak to walk away in fear of hurting them. This must stop. I need to stop going out just for the company. I need to ask “what are you getting from this?” “Is this really going to go anywhere” “DO you even like this guy” instead of choosing guys that have no appeal and are just time filler…this means you’re not ready to date, which by the way you really are ready and you can’t force either. Listen to the voice in your head and just stop.

This is also the year that I will embrace my father’s suicide. I will work through my anger and my resentment. I will join a support group and I will talk about him. I will ask family about him and I will honor him. I will come to terms that my life is impacted in every way because of his choice. I will be strong and open to what this will bring to my life. I will get my answers.

In 9 days I’m moving out on my own again. I’m beside myself with joy. I’m also very nervous. Will I fail again? Will I lean to heavy on my weakness, men and booze? Will I fall into a depression? Will I achieve the dreams and goals have I have set for myself?
-start yoga, eat healthier like more fruit and stuff, keep a book journal, get back to church and finally stop giving myself to men that mean nothing.

Will 2010 be the year that I surprise myself by continuing the self growth I’ve started? I quit smoking a year ago tomorrow. I had always said I didn’t want to be a smoker in my 20s but never actually thought I would/could quit. I say a lot of things but fumble on the follow through.

This year will be different. I will stay focused. I will strive and reach for the stars.

Moving!!

Since moving back to my home state I have missed DMS so much. But I moved back in July and then moved back in with my mom at the end of August when me and the Ex broke up. So I'm fizzy on if I really miss DMS or the freedom I had when I was living there. It is the first place I lived on my own. Its also the first place that was truly my city. I fell hard for DMS and loved it deeply. I came into my own there. I lived on my own there, I mastered public transit there, I survived truly on my own two feet in a place where I knew only one person and where I went not having a job or any connections.

It was a place for daring, it was a magical adult land that I was free to roam and that I successful managed and where I find me. Its where I discovered that I can be true of ties from my support system and still thrive. I could travel on mass transit and learn to love it. I could embrace the bitter cold temps and snow while still being that snow and winter had a magical touch. It was the last place I was in love in. Its a place that will forever linger with the Ex scent.

DMS is my city. Its where I know I can thrive and its a beautiful place. With small town charm but limit pushing views and people its a city of growth and promise.

As of late I have been really missing DMS, the hang outs, the friends, the weather and the freedom I was given. I know I haven't been back since I left and its pulling on my heart. I know that it will never have the same luster as I remember now and I know it will never hold the same spell over me because of the fall out with the Ex. This is a great sadness. This is a mourning I'm not sure I can stop.

As I finish up me time living at my mothers and preparing to be on my own again. I feel quite like a did leading up to moving to DMS. I'm ready, I'm buying the necessary goods and I'm budgeting the right amount of money. I'm shaky with excitment and still with fear. I'm unsure how I will handle sleeping alone in a new place. How I will handle going home alone and waking alone and having my own place again. I can promise there will be bounds of naked time. There will be plenty of microwaved meals and too much TV. There will Sundays spent in bed when I have no reason to leave the warmth. There will be bonding time with my kitty. I can promise there will success there will be joy and there is already a delight that is spreading in my heart.

I'm an totally psych to be in a place where I can so quickly gather myself together and move forward. I'm blissed that I have been given the right tools to do this quickly and successful and I'm delighted that my move and the new year are so close together. This is the first New Years where I have tons of hope for the future and where I can see real change coming to me. I'm ready for a fresh start.

12 days to go!!!

Damn you!!!

Oh the nerve of you! Fuck you! I'm so pissed at you I'm not sure if I want to curl up and cry or if I want to go out and have angry self hating sex with someone else just to feel as empty as possible.

Why do you have to power to turn a beautiful carefree day of bliss into another day where I will be trapped in my head a day where I'm fighting the tears that are bound to fall. I hate you for holding this power. You are the greatest source of pain in my life. You WERE the greatest the source of happiness and joy but now I'm just bitter and cold. I'm a tease I'm scared and I'm hurt.

You have made me all of these things. I'm not healed I'm not even on the road to healing for long stretches of time cause you call and derail all progress I've manage to make. So whose fault is it...mine for being a silly chick and having the attachment to you after all this time or yours for being so stupid and clueless that you think you can seek solace from me.

You are truly cruel and I hate you for it. It is more than I can take. I can't be your friend anymore its too harmful. During our time together you hid, you were closed off and sheltered. You never shared. I had no idea that you were depressed through out our relationship that you were hoarding feelings of self worthlessness and doubts of all sorts. You never shared. You never opened up then but now you think its safe? You think I want to hear it now. That I care???

Well yes I care and it hurts me to new levels. You were never honest. Even when I was deep in the hole alone and feeling so small you never even hinted that you shared the small dark thoughts that you too know the loneliness of it all. You never confounded in me, why???

Why do it now? Why seek my comfort now when I can't provide it...when I don't want to! When it hurts to turn you away cause it hurts to learn about now so late in the game.

And now when I say I miss you and when I tell you I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that yes we are over and you have moving away (next year for your last year of Medical School) you can at least reply to me instead of being all about you. Its the same way you were when we were together. You changing the subject you opening a little then pulling away but expecting me to hold your hand and give you solutions. I can't do it anymore.

Do you not see how fragile I am and how badly I'm taking it all? I'm on the edge of survival I'm barely even there most days. I'm in my usual cycle of self hate clinging to the most dangerous things I can find. Why seek assistance from me? I'm broken and of no help so flake off and leave be. I can't help you because you helped break me.

You the one who crushed my hope and took my time the one who held my dreams and who my world revolved around for so long. Don't text me and tell me you are alone and feeling lonely without acknowledging that I'm in the same boat. That I'm there because of you.

Merry Fucking Christmas to you too!!!

Steak, Shrimp and Salmon oh and a guy

Had a first date tonight with a guy I met off Okcupid.com. This is now my third date of this site in about two weeks. 1. being the awful date with the fire pit guy 2. being with tattoos. and 3. with What's his name

Ok so what's his name is your basic nice guy. He has his shit together and even has long term possibilities. He is over 30, maybe even late 30s. He has a house, job and a cat! Never married and no kids. Makes me wonder why he hasn't been sagged up yet? He is nice, intellect, can hold a convo, made me genuine laugh and is polite.

Things that are making me pause...he reminds me of one of my uncles, he is older, he is looking for long term and honestly I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

Things that make me want to call him...he is nice, he has his shit together, we clicked some and I let him kiss me.

Dinner was fun and a first. We went to a Japanese steakhouse where they cook the food right in front of you and serve it you. I tried grilled shrimp and had steak and salmon. It was really cool. Our table was us and a group of ladies who get together and eat at different places. It was odd that he was the only one guy at the table and he didn't seem to be too social esp for all his talk about his circle of friends. I know that the chief and I were flirting a bit...its part of the whole experience so i dunno if that played a part or what.

Of the guys I've been out with lately he is one of the older ones he is also the most collected. I think there might be a second date. Something with a bit more action.

In other news:

I worked the second job last night and it wasn't bad...seeing that over the weekend I managed to work about 24 hours total. But my last customer was a guy who was all happy about proposing to his GF over Xmas that it made me sick. I also just find out that the Ex is deciding where he is going to be spending all of next year this week...his mom was kind enough to stop by my cube at work to tell me. I felt like I got punched in the stomach! So I wasn't in the greatest state of mind and I ended up calling Balloon guy...and yea we ending up in the sack last night.

For all his talk he is kinda lame in the bedroom. But damn if he isn't persistent otherwise I would have just gone home and went to bed. But he keeps posting on my FB wall and texting me. So if course he is on my mind and I have totally forgotten why I ditched him. Well played!! Makes me wonder if he will improve if given the chance.

Rocks and I are trying to get together again. I'm thinking he will make a fine bed partner as he sounds kinky as hell. Guess I'll just have to see what he is working with.

No call back from Zoo and Hampton is also MIA. Two less to worry about. Thank goodness!!

Its her Birthday!!!

Last night I went out with my girlfriend for her birthday. We had a blast! Things have known to get a little crazy when we go out and last night proved no exception. We started off tame with dinner and a glass of wine at one of our favorite places, Houlihan's. The food wasn’t that great but it was fairly cheap and the wine was yummy.

We then decided to go to our new regular hang out, a bar next to her place; it’s so close we could walk from her apartment if we weren’t so damn lazy! We have now been there on several occasions and have always had a great time.

We walk in at 7 right as happy hour is ending and two hours before the late night special on pitchers starts. This special is the reason we went, strike that we went because it was close and we love it there. But cheap beer is always welcomed. Any woo I got there first and took up residence at the bar between two older men. I know the bartender from school and she hooks me up with the pitcher special!! Its freaking awesome! Then my friend shows up. The bar is kinda dead and everyone is sitting at the bar…the crowd dead done to just us and like 3 other people! It was great because we got to catch up and drink our cheap beer.

Then as the night progressed the crowd started to show back up. We had planned to only have one pitcher but soon we started our second did a round of shots and started to flirt with the guys that were there. My GF got in a lengthy convo with the guy next to her about Sushi and I swear they talked forever. I chatted up the older dude next to me. He was nice but kinda boring so I got up and ventured down to the other end of the bar, leaving my GF talking with the guy who ended up buying our third pitcher of beer.

The guy at the other end was a total nerd and I’m not sure what we talked about but I remember he worked for the college I attended and I harassed him for being on his blackberry the whole time. He was emailing from the time we got there at 7 until the time I approached him at like 9ish when the bar is starting to get crowded and the DJ sets up. This nerd buys us a round of shots and I openly flirt with him until I grow bored and decide it’s time to rescue my friend. We are both pretty tipsy from the wine, our 2nd pitcher and a few shots. Its only 10 and the bar is now packed with younger guys and there’s a DJ playing music videos. I remember requesting Marilyn Mason but not what song. This is also when the night gets really fizzy.

I only remember bits and parts. Like I left to buy my GF smokes from the discount shop next door and her delight in receiving them. I remember the nerd kept eyeing me the rest of the night and I think I gave him some winking action. I remember trading looks with this guy sitting next to the nerd who likely thought the winks were for him. I know that I got up and sat between new guy and nerd and flirted hardcore with new guy. New guy is hot! He has a full beard but totally pulls it off. I remember him saying he looks 12 without it. He is 30 and single. I managed to get his number and when he was putting it in my phone he gave me his whole name. LOVE IT!!! I totally googled him first thing this morning cause I’m totally like that.While I’m with new guy my GF is flirting with the bouncer if I recall correctly and he is super duper cute but totally married! I think we both gave him a hard time for that. But then my GF likes guys that are unavailable. It’s her thing just like sensitive momma boys are my thing.

We must have talked to almost everyone in the bar. It was so much fun just flirting and getting drunk. I’m still fighting the thoughts that last night was fourth night in a row that I had been tipsy or drunk. Cause Monday I had 3 beers with Rocks, Tuesday I went to the Blues game where I had 3 24oz beers, Wednesday’s work party where I had 3 glasses of wine and finally last night’s pitchers, shots and wine. I’m so tired today so I think its catching up with me! But I would do it all over again! However the down side of drinking so much is…

Not remember getting home, so in the morning waking up is kinda crushing like this morning. I was confused on where I was and what time it was. My alarm that I set for 5am so I could go home and get ready for work didn’t go off. Luckily the GF and I woke at the same time and I made to work showered and on time. Then there are the last details of the evening. Like did we really eat 6 day old pork last night!! Yes we did! Did I actually text the new guy? Yes appears so! What kind of impression did I make? I guess it must be good…he sent a few texts after I passed out.

Overall I have the impression it was a great evening. It was total ok somewhat rare form for me too get that plowed during the week…but hey a birthday only happens once a year!

Mountian Dew!!

So my day started off in the grabage! I woke up late and was totally feeling the three glasses of red wine I had at last night's work Christmas party. It was a murder mystary thing...more like a play then anything. But I got tispy and had a good time.

This morning tho...I had to check my antifreeze and oil levels since its been a while. In my recent past I drive my car into death (the same one I have now) because I didn't check or change my oil in about 6 months time. I pretty much had my whole engine replaced and so now I'm hyper aware if levels and shit. So I check and fill this morning feeling pretty good that one I remembered and two that it hadn't been so long. Then my day went to crap!

I drove to work knowing I was really low on gas, I was planning on stop at a cheaper station closer to work. Which I did and my gas tank is in the red very far into the red. I go to get my debit card only to find I don't have it, I don't have my license either, nor any other credit cards! I only have my checkbook which does zip! So I drive with my fingers crossed and pray I make it to work. I have never been this low on gas before!! I'm stressed and hungry and without coffee!!

I have since manage to borrow $ from a co-worker who also trailed me to the station to make sure I made it...which I totally did!! I got gas then promety went to the bank. Do you know how easy it is to withdraw $ from your account with a debit card. No withdrawl slip or anything. NO ID just my SS # and a smile. I felt like such a dummy asking if I could access my account with my card the teller, this total hot guy with a neat tie was playfuly laughing at me but ended up being a life saver. I wish I was more like NTKG and asked for his digits or something! Maybe I'll find an excuse to visit him again.

So my day has turned around for the better. I'm totally pumped from Taco Bell and Mountian Dew. I even ordered something new, who would have thought there was something at Taco Bell that I haven't tried? It totally made me think that even in places we know pretty darn well still have a few surprises left. Humm I wonder what tiggered that deep thinking connection from Taco Bell to discover new things from well know places. My mind is quite the puzzler today.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with a great friend. We haven't seen each other is like forever...ok only since the 7th but people please this women so gets me. I can be my whole self in front of her and she totally loves and accepts me. I hope she feels the same but I swear she is so closed lipped sometimes its hard to tell. One of my bigest wish is her to open herself up more. I have tons of questions I would love to ask her but know that she would never answer! I so excited to see her!!!

This weeks Roll Call

Roll Call Please!! I’m doing this both for my own sanity as for my few followers!! Hello people I've been stuck at 6 forever now!! Its starting to bum me out.

Newbies:

Hometown--this guy is from my town. He and I have been chatting for too long. I'm getting bored talking online I really want to meet him but he is all like why don't you have full body photos on your profile? Why it never crossed my mind that all my photos but on that site, FB and Myspace all are 3/4!! I haven't a single full body shot online. He brought this up because he's worried I'm pulling the ol' bait and switch. It was enough to piss me off even if I understand where he is coming from. If we don't meet soon I'm writing him off.

What's his name--a total sweetie...very proper...very straight edge. Vibed more online than in person. But we have met...he is cute, kinda timid and shy. Totally the guy to take home to someones mom...but not mine she would eat him for lunch. He might be too good goody for me.

Rocks--this guy however makes me all sorts of antsy I talked him once online before meeting him for drinks last night. He is 24 has a degree where he works with the goverment and rocks. He is very smart and extermely well spoken his vocab blows me out of the water. He is a slender guy though which for me isn't that hot. I don't find him sexy looking but he is a looker. I can't us leading anywhere besides the bedroom which I am totally fine with. He mentioned a few things that have me all perked up. Mind you I just met this guy but he and I talk the same language. Excited to see if he plays as good of a game as he talks.

Election--this guy used to make my Ex all sorts of jealous. I called him after I was newly single just to see if he really did have something for me cause I had denied it for years. We meet back in 2004 when he trained me for the election. We ended up talking for 2 hours after the class and having dinner. Fast forward to present and we have hang out twice but I'm not really feeling him or us. I'm currently putting off sharing that news with him.

Updates:

The Ex—we haven' talked since last week's hook up. I'm currently in limbo about us. So I have deleted his number from my phone (I have it memorized but this totally slows down the crazy calls). If I want us to be friends I have to stop leaning so hard on him. Last Monday being a huge pass.

Hampton—Still talking to even after our foot in mouth date. He wants to get together again. I enjoy talking to him but I'm still holding back cause he lives so far away (like 45 mins from my new place but I would have to do all the driving).

Uber Nerd—Calling me up to invite me to Ballroom dancing. Fighting the urge to yes for the exposure to dance...I love it but I suck pretty hard plus if I said yes I would being leading him on and that's mean.

Balloon Hottie—Surprise I'm still thinking about him. Dunno what that's all about but he is out of the state at the moment. I wouldn't mean running into him again just to remind myself why he isn't a fit.

Zoo—has totally bailed out of contact either for the real reason of "school Exams" or he is trying to politely brush me off...I'm hoping for the exams to be real. I totally hit it off with him.

Tattoo—So he only has 12 tattoos. But his Mohawk is awesome! Still waiting for him to make contact...and waiting. I'm trying hard not to take it personally but I think I ruined any chance with this guy.

High school boy--Just called as I'm typing this updated list. Umm really why??? Last time was bad enough I really NEVER wanted to talk to him again. This will not go well.
Done with:
Blockbuster
Valley (AKA PIG)
Young Guy
High School Boy

I Would Be running Too!!!

Have you ever had a day were you find yourself wallowing in self despair? I’m trying to pull myself out of it but for some reason here I am sitting in my own little cave with all my weakness and faults being projected back at me. I’ve had my fair share of depression and this isn’t the normal low for me. I still feel somewhat positive I know that I’m feeling down and that it will turn around. But yet all that knowledge didn’t stop the dark thoughts I had this morning driving into work. Nor does staying busy, this is always my first approach at fending off thoughts of self hate and gloom. It’s not working and all I’m left with is exhaustion and a bigger bank account.

So what can be so wrong with my life? Why is an otherwise healthy 24 unhappy too much of the time. Its my perceived weakness, the fact that one day the Ex will be happy with someone else and that I wasn’t good enough for him. Never mind the fact that he isn’t the right one for me that doesn’t matter, think along the lines of “if I can’t have him no one can,” only problem is that he isn’t mine anymore and will never be again, oh yea and that he is a dating whore!

The fact that I’m scared shitless of living on own again. I am looking forward to so much I miss my own company and I miss not having to share a space with my MOTHER! But I’m worried that I will start to oversleep since I won’t have anyone to make sure I’m awake even though I get up on my own. That even now I feel alone and lonely and I’m hardly ever alone, how will I feel once I’m alone all the time? Its one thing to sleep alone but to come home alone and wake to nothing is very very depressing. I’m not sure how I will handle it. I haven’t lived alone in 2 years and then the Ex was over a bunch.

I am also crushed that my first date with Tattoo guy went well (ok maybe it went badly), we had chemistry and laugher. He has since gone silent on me (Read on and you will see why). After our date on Friday he texted me goodnight and tell me I looked pretty and that he wanted to kiss me but that I didn’t seem too in it. I assured him I had a great time and that I don’t kiss on the first date! A lie yes but we were standing in the middle of the IHOP parking lot and I wasn’t feeling it at the time. I did want to be kissed by him though. We haven’t talked too much since. I dunno what’s going on (I’m a bit in denial, no?)

Our date however was really fun and I found myself enjoying his company. He really does have a bunch of tattoos and piercings. I don’t remember much from our chatter other than there was a guy at the bar that looked JUST like Brett Michaels!! I know that I kept saying this over and over and over. I must have said it 2 dozen times over the course of a few hours. I also showed up to our date following happy hour with a girlfriend so I had a head start. Then instead of slowing down I thought I could match his speed…needless to say I got hammered. Ok so I’ve learned from my date from Hampton to make sure and review my notes before the date so not to have any more foot in mouth (FNM) moments. However I totally forgot about getting trashed on a first date. FUCK!!! Ok so I might have been a broken record on the whole Brett Michaels look alike and I might have tripped down some stairs, Tattoo didn’t see this thank God he had his back to me at the time, but I did get a nice round of applause from the crowd. Then we went to IHOP to sober me up some. I hardly ate my food as the world was spinning a little so we talked for over an hour…none of which I recall and then I asked for a to go box, really!! I can see why he isn’t calling…I would be running away too. Which lead me to ask am I purposing destroying my dates?


The whole thing has me debating whether to quit online dating. Maybe I’m just not ready. I mean I’ve had a few bad dates and some good ones that have led no where. And it’s a lot of work and effort to chat with a number of men and keep them all straight. And then there’s the fact that you give away some of you to each one of them. It’s hard. Then after you have invested hours chatting and emailing back in forth you get a mild fondness for the person so you meet them and if the chemistry isn’t flowing it shatters the investment and you’re back at square one. But if the chemistry is there and then they just go silent after then they just weren’t into you. I hate rejection. Getting rejected leads me down the path of thinking that I won’t do better than the Ex, that I’ve topped out and won’t ever find anyone as good as the Ex, that the Ex will get married and have a family before me and that I will never achieve that, that I made a mistake with the Ex and maybe if I weren’t feeling so damn entitled to having all my needs met then maybe we could work. It’s a bitch it’s a tailspin and it has led me to wallow in weakness.

So folks I guess I should just take a pass and step down from dating, at least from now. Apparent I’m not ready.

My first Blog Award

I win my first award. Given to me by Jill at Life After College.

Here's the award rules:

Copy the award image in you post. Then, list 10 things that make you happy, try to do at least one of them today, and tag 10 bloggers that brighten your day. For those 10 bloggers who get the award, you must link back to my blog! :)

10 things that me happy:

1.Fried egg sandwiches. Its a food I won't make for myself but I love!!

2. The Soup on E!

3. Driving with the windows down on a nice fall day blaring the radio

4. A hug from a child

5. Blogging!!

6. Laughing with a girlfriend

7. Tequilla shots

8. A lazy Saturday staying in and pigging out on junk food and cuddling

9. My kitty's meow and his drooling issues

10. Living in America.

Now for the 10 bloggers that I love and that make me feel all warm inside.

A Survival Guide to Young Adulthood

Lance Bass Ruined My Life

My Masonic Apron

Hyberbole and a Half

Not-So-Eligible Bachelor

Lust for Life: Tales of Sex and Serial Dating

The good Girl gone Blog

TKOG

JD's Man Stories

It's like I'm...mmmagic!

A post full of glee!!

Today at my day job….the one I have hated for like a month out of sheer boredom. Well today I come to find out that “my team” didn’t know how slow we were and that besides getting in trouble for wasting time online we now have work…are team was clueless about our workload! I’ve been busy all day and I love it.

Today was also free breakfast day at work so I had free fruit and a bagel!!! That was on top of it being the Annual Cookie Exchange, where all my lovely co-workers bake cookies, brownies and desert bars to share!! If you have ever had Peppermint ice cream you know the flavor of the winning cookie!! It was yummy in my tummy.

I was informed today that as of January I will be assigned to a special project in testing our program on a globe scale!! I’m super pumped!! Talk about having some security with a temp assignment.

Tonight I’m filling out my application for my apartment and putting down my deposit! I’m so happy I have been able to get back on my own two feet so quickly. I was unemployed from July to September without being able to collect unemployment since I willing left my job to follow the Ex back to St. Louis! In that short of time I dig a financial sink hole of $1,700 behind on bills. I can proudly say I am current on all my bills and that I can afford to move out.

I also am attending my very first support group meeting tonight. I’m all sorts of nervous and scared I will bail. It’s a support group for suicide survivors and I it has never occurred to me to attend one. Wish me luck!

Also I just got a text from the charming boy I went out with on Sunday. He is light years ahead of the goon from last night. He is right on time since today was day 3 since our date and I was starting to worried that he wasn’t into me. I’m so smiling right now!! And Hampton called me too…what is his deal. He must have a soft spot of clumsy chicks who trip over themselves!! LOL

Oh and to be honest Monday night ended with me and the Ex getting hot and heavy. He finally decided at the 11th hour to be there for me on the hardest day of the year for me and I rewarded him myself with some very kinky sex. I’m sure it was illegally in a few states!! But I got a much needed release!!

Don’t you just love days that start well and just get better????

OMFG He's a NUT!!

So tonight I had a worst date then I did with Hampton. I'm too good of a sport. I should have gotten up and left. I will not sit through another date like this EVER!!! You have been warned. What you are about to read is 100% true. I survied mean you but I truely think it was pure luck! Please grab some popcorn and a soda...its kinda long.

So I've been chatting with yet another guy online thru Okcupid. He looks normal comes across normal in our biefs chats. I agree to meet up with him for happy hour.

Let me tell you where I stand on dates. I am up for trying anything. I joined two dating sites to explore what I can't come across on my own. I want to see what is out there I want to have fun and go home with some stories. I still however hope to date only sane and normal men. Tonight was not too normal. This guy was either just being his self or was purposly trying to run me off.

First off he was a sweet southern boy charm that wins me over...on the phone at least...and only until he starts talking non stop about fire pits and hoosers. He is from a southern part of the Metro, a part well known for its rednecks and drug users.

He is a truck driving, high school grad who currently works in a bakery. He lives at home having never moved out. He has a LOT of pets and is obessed with his fire pit, he had photos on his phone and talked about it for about 10 mins.

He mentioned his mother and sister like 7 times. He neve asked me about my family. In fact he didn't really ask me anything expect why I was single. He admitted that his father is in jail for double murder...props for being up front and honest but really is that first date convo? I am rightly freaked out!

Its one thing to have family in the big house it is quite another to have a close family memeber with such a crime on their record.

He seemed shocked that I was single and asked very deep questions for a first date. He did make me laugh and he tried the stuffed Mushrooms with me...we both hated them!! He drink wine and talked about muscials. He seems to know his stuff and the convo didn't stall but I don' t think he will be getting a second date.

At least he was honest, funny and picked up the check!

Roll Call Please!!!

Roll Call Please!!

I’m doing this both for my own sanity as for my few followers. So let’s begin.

The Ex—is the ex duh! We dated for 5 years lived together for 1.5 years and we broke up in August. However we still are really close. We still hook up and are kinda dating. We have a cat together and I work with his mom.

Blockbuster—my rebound from the Ex. We have a wind whirl romance that lasted for 3 weeks…it crashed and burned and he is back with his GF. We had lots of great sex and I pretty much his shadow.

Valley (AKA PIG)—my first encounter with online dating. Lied about having VIP access to an after-party. Once I stood firm on driving myself to our date he disappeared.

Hampton—Posted an ad on Craigslist, 27 lives by Ex’s brother. Blind and a drummer in a band. Chatted with him for 2-3 weeks before first face to face date.

High School Boy—my ex bf from high school hang out with him for a short two weeks. Very much a twilight episode. Let’s just sweep that one under the rug and never mention it again.

Uber Nerd—a nice guy I went to college with. LOVES obsessed with chicken and fries. Has a lisp and plays live action role playing games.

Young Guy—a young country stud that was convenient for a night.

Balloon Hottie—an older man that lives really close to me. Stage one Clinger! Dumped via text message yesterday as I enjoyed happy hour. Had tendencies towards angry and jealously lack any sexual interest.

Zoo—from POF has great potential and is the right amount of contact. Fun to be with.

Tattoo—a guy from Okcupid has 20 tattoo and a Mohawk great on the phone plans for first date this Friday. First impression he is an artsy person (not something I really dig) he works as a pizza delivery driver and keeps putting off school. Seems fun enough but no long term possibilities.

Wine and the Zoo

Sunday I went out on my first Plentyoffish.com date. I contact this guy based on his photo. He was drinking at the zoo! How fun is that? I had gone to a similar event in my old town with the Ex and it was a lot of fun so I had a great opener! He replied back and asked me out. That’s how easy it was. We set the date last week I think on Thursday, mind you I set up my account on Wednesday! We didn’t talk too much between setting the date on Thursday and finalizing things on Sunday. I really like that! He wasn’t breathing down my neck he wasn’t all rush rush tell me everything like a lot of the guys on POF. He is a year older than me, taller and has brown hair. He is also a bigger man not fat but not skinny. Pretty much my type also the opposite of my Ex. He suggested dinner in a trendy part of town and then going to the Zoo for their Xmas light display.

It was his second choice cause his first was coming out my part of town and doing something close to my place so I felt comfortable and safe. I told him I was more courageous than that and we could go into the city. Still he was already charming and winning points. I was excited that he suggested something original and seasonally themed.

We met up for dinner but the place we had planned to go is closed on Sundays so we changed restaurants at the last moment. It was a great decision; this little Italian Bistro was lively. Candlelight and wine with soft Jazz music, and fresh flowers on the tables. It wasn’t crowed and had a great selection of food and wine! We both ordered a glass of red wine. Skipped the salads and soups and both ordered specials. He had something with Veal and I tried the lobster Ravioli, even though I had never had lobster and I’ve been told to never order lobster on a first date. I was feeling daring and bold. OMG the food was fantastic the wine was perfect. And the conversation didn’t lag. There were no side glances no second thoughts of doubt in my head. I was there up front and present the whole date. I laughed I flirted I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

It was the standard conversation but the fact that I can remember it is what wows me. We had a lot in common. He is in the same life situation as me. Early 20’s figuring out what he stands for, what he wants, recovering from the blow from the economy and just venturing into the world of online dating. I was his first! He talked about real issues and didn’t stare at my chest didn’t even bring up my chest size!

But I think the thing that captured me the most was at the zoo with the Xmas songs playing he sang along and didn’t make fun of me singing along too! It was fun. We talked a little about everything with ease. I didn’t put my foot in my mouth once. When it was time to go we hugged and parted ways. He sent me a random text yesterday that just said smile ;) it totally put a big grin on my face!

Way better than my date on Friday!!!

Pardon me while I remove my foot from my mouth!

So my weekend was by far one of the busiest I’ve had in a while. Friday night I have a date with Hampton (FINALLY!!!), worked 8.5 at the good ol’ 2nd job (Yea $$$), and worked some on Sunday before my date with Zoo guy from my online dating profile.

Friday after work I head to the Ex’s to prepare for my date with Hampton. The Ex was there and was also going out that night with some chick. We totally made out before I left for my date!! Kinda weird but that’s us. Another odd thing about Hampton is he lives 2 streets behind the Ex’s brother. And they both hang out at the same bar! So freaking odd how small my big city is! So I knew where Hampton lived…landmarks and all…this is important because Hampton is legally blind and can’t drive so I had to pick him up.

We have been talking now for 3 weeks but this was the first time meeting up. We are friends on FB so we know what to expect from each other. I feel ok hanging out with him and we get along great on the phone. I enjoy his company and was excited about the date. But I was understandably nervous since I had replied to his Craigslist ad.

We decide to go to a charming bar close by. This place has glazed the best of lists for a while and was small and a bit funky. A great first place! We were seated in a large booth for 6 for just the two of us so we only stayed for a drink. On the ride over I had asked a FNM questions out of nervousness a question I already knew the answer too that I’m still clueless why I even asked. I asked him what his first car was!! OMFG he has never been able to drive and I knew that!! Damn nerves!!

So after the first bar and some uncomfortable silences and awkward glances we went to another bar on the South side. He had also been there before and it was my first time. Now its not very often I fall in love with something on first glance but this bar is my prince! I love this bar it has such character and charm. It’s been around since 1933 and serves some of the best Bloody Mary’s in the city, or so I’m told. I stick with craft beer, yummy!!! But still me and Hampton aren’t clicking, we are so far removed from each other I’m losing focus on the date I’m getting bored and planning my escape. But I was tipsy and we were still talking, I have no clue what we were talking about. I remember nothing specific that we touched on. I know I had another larger foot in mouth question. Only this time he looked deeply hurt that I even went there. I felt so damn foolish that I spilled my drink on me to recover! You know it’s bad when spilling a drink is a recovery move!! There was a band setting up to play and so I turn to my date, a guy I know is in a band he plays the drums! I asked him if he enjoyed live music, and he was all like awkward long pause “umm I play in a band so duh!” then I spilled my drink to avoid saying I hate live music and for forgetting! It was awful so I had to share it with all my friends, I posted it to my FB page cause really it was kinda funny.

So then I try regaining my lost points by talking to the bartender about his ties, no idea why I thought that would help but I was tipsy and Hampton wasn’t flirting with me and I really wanted to flirt! Clue cute, tall, blond, well dressed bartender!! I have to go back to this bar for him. He is such a hottie and he thought it was funny that I was hitting on him when I was on a date. Bartender was the highpoint of the night. He started to pour me a second drink as I was getting up to use the restroom and I told to hang onto until I got back…he said he would be timing me and held my beer the whole time I was gone.

Shortly after returning Hampton and I left the bar and went back to his place, remember I drove us. Well I needed to sober up as I was a little wobble…we had about 3 drinks apiece and no food…so it wasn’t at all bad but I had an hour drive home. I remember I just wanted out…there was no chemistry and since I don’t recall any of our conversation I can bet it was dull. We were only out for 2.5 hours. I ended up talking with Tattoo guy on my way back home. (More on him later) Of course it’s like 10 or so, so I made plans to meet with my mom and an Aunt at a local bar. I ended up staying out until 2 partying it up.

Oh how the hell did I forget this!!! As Hampton and I are saying goodbye we hug. Then for no reason no reason at all I told him that he sounded pretty white over the phone, first off how do you sound white and second he is Asian!! I swear I have no idea what is wrong with me!! So I figured I had fucked this date up pretty well and that he would be crazy to call me again. I mean I fucked up twice and then I was just rude. But no he has called and contacted me via FB since! I have no idea why I’m pretty I wouldn’t call me again if I were him. Now I have no idea what to say as I’m still embarrassed by all my FNM moments. Ugh I don’t want to play the lets be friends card! Seriously why is he even still interested I went down in flames on our date!

Weekend Plans

This is gearing up to be a very interesting weekend. I have a date with Hampton tonight. Not sure what we are going to do but I will be driving! I hope it goes well!! I’m getting ready at the Ex’s so at least it will be an interesting start.

Tomorrow I’m working an 8 hour shift at the 2nd job. Then tomorrow night I’m either going out with a girlfriend to see Hampton’s band open for a signed band!! How cool is it that Hampton plays the drums for a band and that band is opening for a marginally major band? Going depends on how tonight goes! I also have to the chance to go to a dueling piano bar with my momma and her friends. This could be fun and she is all over my back to go to this place with her. She’s only been asking since September!

The thing is I had kinda made plans with Balloon Guy to hang out and have a relaxing evening…made Monday confirmed on Wednesday…both before he worked himself off my list. Now I just want to move on and get away from him. Why the sudden change of heart. How did I go from bubbling over in excitement to complete dread? Well Tuesday me and a GF went to watch him play darts and drink. I proceeded to drink a bit much and he started to show his jealous side. I knew him a week! He was acting like I was all his! But yet he wouldn’t flirt in public…barely touched me at all! But yet as soon as we’re alone he is all about it. Oh no, you don’t! If you can’t flirt with me in public then you aren’t getting any play in the bedroom. Even tipsy he annoys me. He is insecure and quick tempered. First I thought it was just growing pains, typical when getting used to someone’s tone and joking style. But that was on Tuesday when he was still on my good list.

Wednesday he was barely hanging on. We had a small disagreement Tuesday at the bar and he snipped at me. I don’t do tempers. I can’t handle an angry man. The Ex only got angry twice when we were together and I was scared both times. I cringe when a man raises their voice in angry. It is a deal breaker for me. But still I decide to swing by and get him Wednesday on my way home and try to get a back rub out of him and see if maybe Tuesday was all in my head.

First off for all the guys at there…a back rub usually means just a back rub. If I tell you before going home with you that it is just a back rub and that you are not getting any that night take it at face value!! However if a girl is trying to be demure and asks for a backrub she will wiggle around and moan letting you know that she is only using the backrub as an excuse to get some. I fall into the first part, I am blunt and horny enough I am clear whether I am going to give it up or not. I just wanted a backrub and I told him so! So when he started to moving into sexual touching I told him that it wasn’t going to happen. This was the second time. Well he flipped a lid! He said I was a tease and that it wasn’t fair to set things up and then chicken out. WTF excuse me??? Are you fucking kidding me?? I didn’t lead you on I was up front and told you before accepting the back rub that it wasn’t going to end up in bed. I’ve know you a week!! And its not the first time he has tried pushing things along. He says he isn’t in it just for the sex (which has never happened) but then all our convo lead straight to sex and he keeps asking for it. I keep turning him down.

I can honestly say he is the first guy I have no urge to sleep with. Granted I haven’t slept around in a while. Since the break up it’s only been the Ex and Blockbuster and that one blurry night that I had with the high school boyfriend (still not 100% on if it happened or not but that’s not here or there!) I know that if we hang out tomorrow I’m putting myself at risk. He is all pressure, jealousness and temper and I’m all about not screwing him so it will be me fighting him off all night. So I have to break up with cause he thinks we are dating!!! Newsflash…we have known each other a week you fucking psycho! I normally wouldn’t give a shit but this dude has already shown he is off his rocker and he lives 3 blocks from me!! So I have to find a way to dump a guy I’ve seen 4 times, easy enough right?

Then Sunday I have my first date from my dating profile on POF. I set up my profile on Wednesday on both POF and OKcupid. The response has been a bit overwhelming. Okcupid is slow and kinda cold. But it has IM so it can fun but over all its kinda hard to use. Plentyoffish.com (POF) is a lot better. However it isn’t that user friendly using the inbox. That is it reminds me of last call at a busy bar. Lots of guys just saying hey hottie and asking how I am. I have even found some friends from college that I haven’t thought of in years! But the weirdest thing so far is that one of my matches is my Ex’s best friend! I didn’t realize it when I saw his profile picture and so I click on it think oh he’s cute! Oh how funny!

The guy I’m going out with on Sunday is 25 employed and likes some of the same things. I chatted him up first but he replied with a detailed email that asked open ended questions and had a charming feel. We are doing dinner in a trendy part of town and then going to the Zoo for a X-Mas light display! It’s original and has potential to be romantic! I’m thrilled!

I am also chatting with a few other guys

Tattoo-26, nice, lives close to me, total mamma’s boy, lots of tattoos and piercings. Hasn’t mentioned my boobs at all!! Asks deeper questions than just the normal.

Jim- Meeting up with him for drinks on Tuesday. 24? Sports fan cute.

Devin- sweet cute and all round American boy. I could see myself falling for him.

So my social calendar is going to be full for a while!! Who knew dating could be so fun! I just pray I keep them all straight!

Dates a go go!!!

Who knew dating could be fun. I thought it was suppose to be some really boring thing. I find juggling guys fun. I’m getting better at to! Just call me a little player!!

I have my first date with Hampton on Friday. So that will stop dragging out…is there or isn’t there something there. I don’t want to waste my time with him anymore. I know great attitude right? Oh well I feel I need to meet him in person and see if there is anything and I’ll be going to his show…did I mention he plays drums in a band? Also I won’t mind fooling around with him based completely on the fact that he is Asian and the Ex has only had an Asian thing but has yet to sleep with one. This is fair game since he went black before me!! So not fair. If only my hot crush on the black bouncer at my regular bar wasn’t married I would have already hit that!

Is it horrible that the Ex and I trade sex stories??? I think it’s awesome!! But speaking of the Ex I have had some very odd thoughts about him today. Not like regrets but more like if this new guy thinks I’m awesome and that I’m the total package then why didn’t he? What was missing? You know that saying for every hot woman there is a man that’s sick of her shit? Well I speculate what my “shit” is?? What awful things did I put him through??? Kinda weird to think of yourself from that view but knowing the way the Ex and I are I will likely get the answers if I get the balls to ask him. That is the best part of being friendly with the Ex that and wild Kinky sex that you just can’t have while in a relationship!

So last night I had another date with Balloon man. He plays darts at the bar we met at. So I asked a girlfriend to join me and I went to the bar to watch/support his dart game. Plus there was free food!! This bar is your normal small town hole in the wall place. Everyone is a regular and if your not you get gawked at like you just landed. Also its an older crowd so at 24 I’m of course the youngest one there. I totally felt that I was a child. That lasted while the older hags were judging me then they saw I knew the bartender and Owner!! Then the bitches backed off but it was tense!

It was a good night largely in part to the abundance of alcohol. I got free drinks from the owner and ended up having 5 shots and at least 4 maybe 6 beers but only have a $16tab!!! It was freaking awesome! Ok so I tend to drink a lot but its kinda in check. But Balloon man missed several hints to kiss me. He also doesn’t get that I laugh all the time and that doesn’t mean I’m laughing at him. At one point he said something that I took badly whether it was in fact bad is a blur but I know that shit got heated and we might have raised our voices to each other. I know I got pissed off I have misunderstandings. But that’s part of getting to know someone, learning when their kidding and when they are being real. I don’t know his tones for shit so what he says is a joke after I’m mad makes me question whether it is in a joke or if he is covering because it upset me. I did learn that he has a short temper. I am not used to a temper at all. My Ex held all that shit in. In fact I think I only saw the Ex mad twice in 5 years. I don’t do well with men and angry be it for a game or anything it seriously makes me cringe.

So I was also flirting with a bar fly that I hit on the night I was there with the rents and had the semi-drunken hookup. Once Balloon man saw that I was chatting with another dude he was at my side in an instantly. He puffed out his chest and just stood before me and the bar fly. It as kinda cute to see but then I was drunk I would stand for that shit sober. I was just talking I wasn’t even touching the other dude. Plus Balloon Man has no rights to claim me. We have only known each other a week and I’m still on the fence about him. I haven’t even made up my mind about if I will sleep with him.

That is the weirdest thing. I normally can’t wait to jump in the sack. Granted Balloon man has worked himself under my skin in a semi-good way there is still a lot of unknowns. Plus I know I am very easy convinced by men. The compliments and flirting go straight to my head. Yes I have self esteem and I think of myself as pretty. Its just all the new attention goes straight to my vag and the panties drop. I’m working on this!!

Also today since working is mind numbing slow I created two online dating profiles. I have since had over 15 emails between the two sites. Most are random guys just saying Hi and asking how I’m doing, very original stuff! Some have promise. One the second site I was recommended as a match with my Ex’s best friend! It was too funny so I email him and complimented his photos. We’ll see how it goes. I have a lot of fun ahead of me.

Confessions

So the tend has hit and I will faithly follow.

I sneeze in 3s and I hate when people bless me all 3 times. Once is quite enough thank you.

I got up at 3 am on Black Friday not for the sales but to spend the time with family. I love spending time with my family...might be cause its so rare.

I'm scared to be alone with adult males in my family. No reason I'm just afraid of it.

I feel like Obama is letting us as a country down.

I'm very surprised that Obama has aged so much. I thought that being half black would save him from that.

I still picture having my Ex's children even though I don't want to get back together.

I had an Aunt die of AIDS and I truly believe its because of my fathers suicide that caused her to led such a life.

I think it is really rude to stop talking about loved ones once they die. This was the first Thanksgiving with my Grandma and no one mentioned her.

I'm fearful of never achieving my "Working Girl" dream.

I like getting junk emails on Myspace from loser men. It always puts a smile on my face.

I only have a BM every 3 days and then only during a limited window of time. On day 4 I'm a total bitch.

I come across negative but I believe I'm am happy and positive I just happen to be a realist.

I really enjoy Explicit Rap songs. I even chair dance to them at work!

I hate the Beatles...until I saw Across the Universe.

I have never seen any Star Wars or Star Track movies or shows!!!