Pass it to me now

I have had so much time off this week and it is really getting to me. It doesn't help that the last 3 weeks I was working 60+hours a week and this week was only about 45! I hate have so much down time. It allows my mind to wander and then the minor depression starts. The thoughts of "oh my god I'm so lame sitting at home alone again." "Wow you suck, nothing to do and no one to hang out with" or my favorite "of course you're still single because of this and that oh and don't forget that!" or "Oh god he is having so much more fun than you that's not fair" When I'm given so much free time I get negative and a little withdrawn. Soon I'll be just content with sitting in front of the tv and the fight will go out of me.

I thrive when stuck in busy mode. I have done as much as I can this week. I've been shopping, done chores, watched more tv then I have in months and read. But there is still empty time. Sleeping doesn't help cause I really don't want to get used to extra sleep when I know next week I'll be busy again. I'll be too busy to think about my feeling about the Ex. I've been keeping those feelings at bay for 6 months and I'm still not ready to deal with them. I'm not ready to shift thru the mess that my mind. I just prefer not to venture there.

Currently I'm longing for comfort, an escape, a complete distraction, strength to see me through and more faith in myself that I'm handle things ok.

I'm tired of dating men that mean nothing to me. I miss living some part of my life for someone else. I miss sharing the small details of my life with someone at the end of the day. I won't to be forced to watch a boring tv that I would never watch on my own but will tolerate for him, I want to be held and petted. I want to be wanted for more than cheap sex. I want to finish my day in bed snuggled with a warm man. I want chemistry again.

Of course I want all that without the search without the chase. Why can't it just fall into my lap? Why can't I just find a good guy that can hold a convo and make my toes curl?

I'll be fine once I'm working at the max again but right now I'm just down and negative. Please bear with me.