Give me Courage Give me understanding

Today is a big day for you let I feel like I’m there and my gut is tied in knots in worry. Why do you still have such a pull on me? I mean I settle for so little of you even now that we aren’t together. I still look at you with rose colored glasses and I still expect you to be something that clearly you are not. You are not perfect you aren’t good for me. This whole cycle of dependence I have going needs to stop. One weak moment and the anger is back just when I gave myself some credit for cutting our strings I go and sleep with you. It’s wrong and it pulls me right back to it all.

Between your new found player mode and with my withdrawal from the game, it’s hard for me to accept that you are that guy. That you can have casual sex with nurses, residents and drunken girls all the while still hooking up with me, without even telling me before hand. It’s a dangerous game that we are playing. Even though we say we are playing safe with others yet with me you don’t take the care to use protection. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t tell you that I had been with two other guys during the same weekend we hooked up but that’s my style. Its my coping method and its my weakness. I hold you to a higher standard I always will and you have failed me…though to be fair its not fair of me to put you on a higher level.

Our new style of fucking is starting to worry me too. I’m ok with it to an extent but that deep down I know that you are losing respect for me. That all the time we were together is being undone with every slap and dirty name uttered during our animal like fucking. Its vulgar fucking at that and if I really ponder on it I think its because your angry at us at how things happened with us. But yet we carry on and I allow it. If I’m honest I’m still holding out hope that we will get back together and that you are noticing that you want to be with me.

Yet you still leave me waiting. You still need to be on your own. I still need to know that I’m important to you…funny isn’t it that I act like a whore while wanting you to respect and be with me? You talk about helping your friend the latest girl you fucked about how she was having a breakdown and how you were there to help her. I was stunned that you are stupid enough to tell me that cause that is one thing you were never able to do for me. But you have always been able to help your many girl friends just not me.

Honestly after you left I was upset and hurt and feeling very empty. So of course I do something that only added to me feeling like a whore. I posted and acted on an online ad. Are you fucking kidding me?? Yea I went there. I had empty crazy sex with a stranger in the same bed where we had just laid. The same bed where the day before I was with someone else.

Today you face your ethics board and its outcome will impact your future in many ways. Today I face all the horrible behavior that I have both been acting out. I am a woman without honor. I am a women who even though believes she loves herself does everything to prove she doesn’t. I admit I’m lost and seeking my usually comfort. I enjoy empty rough sex…at least until the morning when I’m faced with the emotional drain after the climax bliss leaves. I could blame the normal causes of my cycle, childhood trauma and past experiences or my dead father as to way I am the way I am or I can just accept it and keep trying to stay straight. Up until this weekend I was doing really well in being respectful to myself then it all went out the window. I’m hanging my head and beating myself up and hoping against hope that I will get back on the wagon and calm down.