Donkey Kick to the stomach

You have been on my mind today, so much in fact that I can feel your presence. You sent me the most innocent text relying news from our mutual friends that are now engaged. I’m so glad you just sent a text because I was instantly jealous and weepy. My first thought was it should us. Why isn’t it us? Then of course I was happy for them. THEY are a good couple. They had/have that whole cuteness factor that we lost so early on. They also have the energy needed for a relationship to survive medical school. WE must definitely do not!
When I was telling some of my girlfriends my reaction, and I mean my lateral pain in the gut tears in my eye reaction I was met with strength and encourage. I was also asked a question that allow for the power of jealousy to move on. “Do you want to get back with XXX” and the answer is no I don’t want to get back with the Ex not the Ex that I left. I must definitely don’t want to go back to holding my breath that marriage would happen with him, my knight in armor. He isn’t a knight and marriage was just a end goal that was so far away that I don’t even know how I ever thought it would happen.
But that’s beside the point. I was on that path leading to marriage and have since been knocked off; now a dear friend has gotten it. I’m right to be jealous at least a little. What is not healthy is remember you all afternoon. All the highlights and skipping our potholes. If I fall apart this easily hearing about them I can’t stand to think how bad I’m going to take to news you will telling me in just a week or so. I know its coming and I can’t stomach the thought. Your fourth and final year of medical school is coming and with it a new location. You will be leaving our town and going on your own. It’s hard for me to grasp that you won’t be near it’s a little to final. I really will be faced with losing you. Which since it’s been 6 months I need to face sooner or later, right?
I can’t believe its been 6 months. In that time I have dated a ton. I have changed my hair. I have moved out on my own for a second time. I have bought a car. I have made manager at a second job. I have shown strength and I have braved it all with a smile. Then a day like today comes and I lose my footing. I start to question my dating. My choice in guys and my inner dialogue isn’t too friendly or positive.
Your influence on my life post you is mind blowing. I have given you so much power that you don’t know. No matter how I twist it no matter how much I dream it or what your mother says. We are done there is no chance that we will get back together and even though on days like today when we are linked I must remember that.
Then and most important is that you are no longer you. You have morphed into someone else. I saw that new person at Mardi gras I saw that person the last time we hooked up. That person isn’t who I have in my mind’s eye. It’s not the memory I’m still in love with. There is a gap between you from us and the you of today. I can’t help but think what role I played in that. I know that sounds selfish but I never wanted to be the kind of women who is responsible for turning a great guy into a jaded asshole.