Lordy its a long one!!

I’m so restless in work in love in life in general. Its been ages since I’ve felt a rush…ok a little melodramatic since it was only Monday that I was so pumped up after my date with shy boy. I’m falling over myself for this guy. OMG I have a huge crush and he is always on my mind. I must distance myself and we all know I suck at distance. Its going to crash and burn and I’ll wind up looking a fool.
I think the latest bout is in reaction to being given the cold shoulder from one dude and then reading touchy romantic books. I hate you James Patterson!!! Your way with words brings tears to my eyes and loneliness to my heart.
I’m deeply engulfed at work. I’m swimming in a pool of guilt and inactivity. I spend more time goofing off and wasting time. I can’t stay focused for more than 15 mins. I have no urge to change and I see NO point in doing anything. I’m slacking and I know it. I think it has to do with the fact that there is nothing to gain there is an end date with my name written on it and it approaches closer and closer every day. Then there are the women I work with. They are great! I’m learning a lot and it has sparked an urge to get back in the classroom. The project I’m working on is very rushed and unorganized to say the least. Once you think you have your footing the rug is swept away and then add to the fact that we are doing this whole thing to ease the transaction into our own job lost. Its hard. Its an emotional drain and for the most part boring.
The second job isn’t the silver lining any more either. I miss the guest interaction I had a cashier. I miss the socialization, the off the cuff conversations with people. I don’t have any of that now that I’m manning the returns desk. I work more with defect goods than with customers, umm guests. The impending demise of my day job is starting to wear on me and I’m not sure if I should take solace in the second job. I not sure if it can pay the bills and keep money in my pocket. Plus I can’t see really see myself doing it 40hrs a week.
With the nature of my current gig I have been thinking a lot about future employment. I have a few friends that have been laid off recently, one fired and a few that are deeply unhappy but stuck for one reason or another. I have the chance to figure it out before I’m unemployed. But at what cost? How does one look for a new full time job while juggling 60hrs of work a week. How do you fit in interviews on a 30min lunch? Do I have a obligation to stay until the end date in August or do I look after me? Do I have the balls to do what is right for me and damn my department and integrity?
It pains me to think about leaving before the end. But I know that it will take 2-4 months to get a job. The find a job that pays what I make now is going to be a challenge. Then there is the very emotional side of job hunting. This was my undoing over the summer. The sinking feeling of failure the oppression that comes with being forced to go out there and dare. Its draining in ways I can’t describe. I can’t go back to that dark hole again. I just recovered from the last time. And I’m no stronger than I was then. I’m happier and more confident in my skill set but no ballsy no tougher no wiser.
Among all this uncertainty about my job future I have been thinking about getting my Masters. It thrills me to even type it. I have yet to say it aloud as if that will wreck it. I knew that getting my BA won’t be it for me but I thought I would want a few more years before going back to the grind of school. Well sitting in this room with ladies going back to school to get their BA’s I am a slight shade of green. I miss the hectic pace of school the juggle of personal work and school. I miss the challenge and if my life is missing something it is most definitely a challenge. Education is an honor to achieve it’s a chance to better yourself and improve your giveback to the world. I’m ready. Sign me up!!!
I know there will be countless hurdles. There is be lost free time and overnights but what do I have to lose? I’m still young with tons of time on my hands. I need this! I need to be forced to focus on something that drives me. I’m not getting it from work I’m most certainly not getting it from my relationships. I need to fill this void. Why not do it with school. I’m a great student. I give it my all. I know what school I went to attend. I’m giddy at the thought of coffee houses and deep discussions about scholarly issues. Proving that I can juggle work, personal and school. I want to say I have a master’s. I want the robe. I want to test of myself. I want to actively use my brain again.
I am floating by in life right now. I hate that I spend my days wishing for the next. Wasting my time and sitting idled twiddling my thumbs.
Shy guy is a very active person. He plays pick up hockey, mountain bikes and goes to several parties a month. He is sweet goofy and charming. He has no game what so ever and it reminds me so much of the Ex. He doesn’t know all that he offers nor does he know how to be a jerk. I would be lying if I said that it doesn’t really bother me. He is a sweet innocent guy. Currently my biggest turn off. I know that the chance that we do anything more that causal date is slim. But hanging out with him as made me realize how much I long to be a couple with a sweet guy again. I’m trying to remind myself that just being I like the thought being a couple I can’t force it and I can’t just expect it with him because I want it in general. I’m enjoying playing the field and I’m playing a rough and tough game. But shy guy reminds me that a soft landing is nice too.