Quarter Crisis

Old Stomping grounds

2010-07-10T23:58:00.003-05:00

Today you embarked on a journey back to the land where we were last in love. Along the way you stopped and ventured in a town that hold delight for me. Do you stop during your visit and wonder what it would be like to share the moment with me? Were you overcome with a desire to have me along your side while you strolled the town square? Or were you blind to it all and I too full of sentiment to my own good?

Now that your back in "our" town. The town where we first stood as two fully independent adults, a place where we separated from all that we had know and were left to rally our strength and face our weaknesses. A place that we flourished. A place that will always have a tender place in my heart and a pull on my soul.

Is it weird being back without me? Can you feel my presence, as my spirit lingers in our old hangouts. As you travel down the same streets that were once familiar do you remember how I would criticize your driving and brace against the door? Do I even register in your thoughts anymore? Will your time back in "our" town bring me back to you? I am foolish to believe it matters, to think that it will impact you in any way.

As you gather in the old familiar places, as you reconnect with old friends and as you embark on your new journey I hope I linger a little in your thoughts. I hope there are good memories of us. I hope this doesn't pull you down or sadden you but rather that it allows you a moment to slow down and embrace the pleasure it offers.

Today my thoughts kept drafting there to "our" town. I can clearly picture the neat square layout of the city. The bright lights of the city's skyline. The cool breeze that once hold so much wonder. I can recall the greasy smell of bars the quite of the streets lined with trees and the people lined avenues. Such fondness makes my heart ache. Knowing that you're there and I'm here makes me envious in ways I couldn't of foretold.

Mourns Grace

2010-07-10T09:12:00.000-05:00

Your light caress is still playing on repeat in my mind.
Last night was so easy.

With your light kiss on my forehand and our deeper kisses. Today I mourn their lost.

Your warm breath on my neck that sends chills down my spine.

What is this effect you have on me?

Lying in your arms still feels like home, even after all this time.

Waking up and knowing that you are there. Knowing that even for as brief as it was, it was the highlight of my weekend.

Here I sit

2010-07-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

Here I sit
Doing the exact same motions as
Yesterday
Thinking the exact same thoughts as
Yesterday
Feeling the exact same void as
Yesterday

Here I sit
In a trance thinking about us
Even when in the back of mind
And in my heart there is no us

Here I sit
Hopeful for tomorrow
Cautious for the spell to break
It will eventually I know

Here I sit
On the fringe of delight
Of experiencing love
With someone new

Here I sit
Envisioning a carefree
Tomorrow
Permitting a change to take hold
Tomorrow
Strengthening my soul for all of my
Tomorrows.

A Stranger's Light

2010-07-10T09:09:00.001-05:00

A stranger with a fuzzy face
Smeared my final dreams
They fell like ashes to the ground
Where they were promptly stumped

The candle of hope
A beaker of lies spilled over my shame
The forces collided into the truth
Windless sails stopped abruptly

Last night shoved into the light
The dark corner of despair maneuvered
By a skilled hand light flashed on my deepest
Hopes and just like cockroaches they vanished in the light

The effort that was needed
A position held were never apprehended
All that was desired was the forthright title
And a embrace for your heart and affections

Specks of truth shined thru like glimmers of glitter
Brushed away by a careless hand and the unyielding
Optimism for a fairy tale ending
For a aspiration of esteem yet the price too high to pay

Fighting against a small doubt
A seed was planted against the odds
The road travelled parallel to imaginary
Doubting eyes curved inward

Tight grips of deep hunger falling short
Of passion a love resigned to comfort and
Familiarity yet yearning absolute obsession

Donkey Kick to the stomach

2010-03-19T16:18:00.001-05:00

You have been on my mind today, so much in fact that I can feel your presence. You sent me the most innocent text relying news from our mutual friends that are now engaged. I’m so glad you just sent a text because I was instantly jealous and weepy. My first thought was it should us. Why isn’t it us? Then of course I was happy for them. THEY are a good couple. They had/have that whole cuteness factor that we lost so early on. They also have the energy needed for a relationship to survive medical school. WE must definitely do not!
When I was telling some of my girlfriends my reaction, and I mean my lateral pain in the gut tears in my eye reaction I was met with strength and encourage. I was also asked a question that allow for the power of jealousy to move on. “Do you want to get back with XXX” and the answer is no I don’t want to get back with the Ex not the Ex that I left. I must definitely don’t want to go back to holding my breath that marriage would happen with him, my knight in armor. He isn’t a knight and marriage was just a end goal that was so far away that I don’t even know how I ever thought it would happen.
But that’s beside the point. I was on that path leading to marriage and have since been knocked off; now a dear friend has gotten it. I’m right to be jealous at least a little. What is not healthy is remember you all afternoon. All the highlights and skipping our potholes. If I fall apart this easily hearing about them I can’t stand to think how bad I’m going to take to news you will telling me in just a week or so. I know its coming and I can’t stomach the thought. Your fourth and final year of medical school is coming and with it a new location. You will be leaving our town and going on your own. It’s hard for me to grasp that you won’t be near it’s a little to final. I really will be faced with losing you. Which since it’s been 6 months I need to face sooner or later, right?
I can’t believe its been 6 months. In that time I have dated a ton. I have changed my hair. I have moved out on my own for a second time. I have bought a car. I have made manager at a second job. I have shown strength and I have braved it all with a smile. Then a day like today comes and I lose my footing. I start to question my dating. My choice in guys and my inner dialogue isn’t too friendly or positive.
Your influence on my life post you is mind blowing. I have given you so much power that you don’t know. No matter how I twist it no matter how much I dream it or what your mother says. We are done there is no chance that we will get back together and even though on days like today when we are linked I must remember that.
Then and most important is that you are no longer you. You have morphed into someone else. I saw that new person at Mardi gras I saw that person the last time we hooked up. That person isn’t who I have in my mind’s eye. It’s not the memory I’m still in love with. There is a gap between you from us and the you of today. I can’t help but think what role I played in that. I know that sounds selfish but I never wanted to be the kind of women who is responsible for turning a great guy into a jaded asshole.

Lordy its a long one!!

2010-03-04T16:27:00.000-06:00

I’m so restless in work in love in life in general. Its been ages since I’ve felt a rush…ok a little melodramatic since it was only Monday that I was so pumped up after my date with shy boy. I’m falling over myself for this guy. OMG I have a huge crush and he is always on my mind. I must distance myself and we all know I suck at distance. Its going to crash and burn and I’ll wind up looking a fool.
I think the latest bout is in reaction to being given the cold shoulder from one dude and then reading touchy romantic books. I hate you James Patterson!!! Your way with words brings tears to my eyes and loneliness to my heart.
I’m deeply engulfed at work. I’m swimming in a pool of guilt and inactivity. I spend more time goofing off and wasting time. I can’t stay focused for more than 15 mins. I have no urge to change and I see NO point in doing anything. I’m slacking and I know it. I think it has to do with the fact that there is nothing to gain there is an end date with my name written on it and it approaches closer and closer every day. Then there are the women I work with. They are great! I’m learning a lot and it has sparked an urge to get back in the classroom. The project I’m working on is very rushed and unorganized to say the least. Once you think you have your footing the rug is swept away and then add to the fact that we are doing this whole thing to ease the transaction into our own job lost. Its hard. Its an emotional drain and for the most part boring.
The second job isn’t the silver lining any more either. I miss the guest interaction I had a cashier. I miss the socialization, the off the cuff conversations with people. I don’t have any of that now that I’m manning the returns desk. I work more with defect goods than with customers, umm guests. The impending demise of my day job is starting to wear on me and I’m not sure if I should take solace in the second job. I not sure if it can pay the bills and keep money in my pocket. Plus I can’t see really see myself doing it 40hrs a week.
With the nature of my current gig I have been thinking a lot about future employment. I have a few friends that have been laid off recently, one fired and a few that are deeply unhappy but stuck for one reason or another. I have the chance to figure it out before I’m unemployed. But at what cost? How does one look for a new full time job while juggling 60hrs of work a week. How do you fit in interviews on a 30min lunch? Do I have a obligation to stay until the end date in August or do I look after me? Do I have the balls to do what is right for me and damn my department and integrity?
It pains me to think about leaving before the end. But I know that it will take 2-4 months to get a job. The find a job that pays what I make now is going to be a challenge. Then there is the very emotional side of job hunting. This was my undoing over the summer. The sinking feeling of failure the oppression that comes with being forced to go out there and dare. Its draining in ways I can’t describe. I can’t go back to that dark hole again. I just recovered from the last time. And I’m no stronger than I was then. I’m happier and more confident in my skill set but no ballsy no tougher no wiser.
Among all this uncertainty about my job future I have been thinking about getting my Masters. It thrills me to even type it. I have yet to say it aloud as if that will wreck it. I knew that getting my BA won’t be it for me but I thought I would want a few more years before going back to the grind of school. Well sitting in this room with ladies going back to school to get their BA’s I am a slight shade of green. I miss the hectic pace of school the juggle of personal work and school. I miss the challenge and if my life is missing something it is most definitely a challenge. Education is an honor to achieve it’s a chance to better yourself and improve your giveback to the world. I’m ready. Sign me up!!!
I know there will be countless hurdles. There is be lost free time and overnights but what do I have to lose? I’m still young with tons of time on my hands. I need this! I need to be forced to focus on something that drives me. I’m not getting it from work I’m most certainly not getting it from my relationships. I need to fill this void. Why not do it with school. I’m a great student. I give it my all. I know what school I went to attend. I’m giddy at the thought of coffee houses and deep discussions about scholarly issues. Proving that I can juggle work, personal and school. I want to say I have a master’s. I want the robe. I want to test of myself. I want to actively use my brain again.
I am floating by in life right now. I hate that I spend my days wishing for the next. Wasting my time and sitting idled twiddling my thumbs.
Shy guy is a very active person. He plays pick up hockey, mountain bikes and goes to several parties a month. He is sweet goofy and charming. He has no game what so ever and it reminds me so much of the Ex. He doesn’t know all that he offers nor does he know how to be a jerk. I would be lying if I said that it doesn’t really bother me. He is a sweet innocent guy. Currently my biggest turn off. I know that the chance that we do anything more that causal date is slim. But hanging out with him as made me realize how much I long to be a couple with a sweet guy again. I’m trying to remind myself that just being I like the thought being a couple I can’t force it and I can’t just expect it with him because I want it in general. I’m enjoying playing the field and I’m playing a rough and tough game. But shy guy reminds me that a soft landing is nice too.

Its Been a long while

2010-02-28T10:53:00.002-06:00

So I've been super busy!!! I'm adjusted to being a manager at the second job. Work is also getting ready to pick up at the day job so I'm hoping I can keep up!!

Last weekend I opened on both Saturday and Sunday. It was a crazy start I had cashiers call off and we had a code yellow (a missing child) for 10 mins. All on my second day, talk about being thrown into the fire! I handled it really well and managed to keep calm and collected. I'm so proud of me. I just earned the privilege of being made a trainer too!!! My work ethic rocks! I just hope it come thru for me in August when I lose my sweet day job, darn outsourcing.

I got my nose pierced and I'm totally in love with it!! I feel so bad ass and edgy even though I'm so not. When I whore out for a night out it totally adds that extra edge. Its awesome!!

Lets see I've been dating up a storm but that's not so new. After breaking it off with Hoff he email me asking if I regretted letting him go when I said no he said he hopes my apartment catches on fire! How fun! Goodness we only went on 4 dates so glad I released him when I did!

I've had a few dates with a guy that lives in city. He is nice and smart but the sex is lame. I really enjoy his company and he makes me laugh which is important. He is getting ready to go over seas for 3 weeks to Afghanistan just to be part of history first hand. I think that is incredible. We went out last weekend and had tapas. Some squid, shrimp, salmon and meatballs. Then we went to the same bar I went to with Hampton and I flirted with the bartender again. Gosh he is still hot!!! I almost win the pool game but I missed one the 8 ball after being ahead bu 4 balls. I was a bit pissed. We are going to brunch this Saturday. He likes to try out new places and is always up for new things. He also is daring and not jealous. We shall see where it goes.

Whiskey and I have been getting together a few times a week too. After our 2nd date at his place I was sure I didn't want to talk to him again. Remember him inviting me over for a movie and then not having his DVD player even hooked up? Well I thought I wanted to date him but that night ended that. I got really worked up one morning and sent him a text less than 20mins later he was at my place and the rest is history. We have our fun and then share some pillow talk. I must admit that I enjoy his company but he is being kinda routine and boring. Last night for example he came over we talked for a bit, did our business and then he was just ready to sleep. No round two no kinkiness no grand finish for me. His work is taking too much out of him. I hope he gets his game back.

I'm also dating this shy guy that I had a one night stand with back in Nov 07 when the Ex and I were on a break. He is really sweet but I fear he might be too much of an innocent for me. I'm going out with tonight.

This weekend I had the whole thing off so of course I was super busy. Friday I was suppose to go out with a guy I had a huge crush on in high school and thanks to facebook just find again. However when I texted him to confirm our meet up time he called me and told me he just got fired from his job. Needless to say there was no date. I was stunned and didn't really know what to say. I wonder if we will go out soon. He called me snuffling and I really don't remember what I said but I tried really hard to be nice and comforting...neither are strong points for me. I ended up meeting up with two guys for drinks and then going out with some girlfriends of mine from college.

Its been a really long time since I have been out with the ladies and I dragged my GF with me. We had a DD and cover paid. Longnecks were a buck and there was line dancing and cowboys everywhere. I didn't make it home until 5am!!! I made out with a ugly guy that bought me a round of drinks and then he won't leave me alone...I'm afaird my friends weren't too subtle about blowing him off. But I did click with a cowboy so I gave my number to. He is skinny...like omg skinny and is a true country boy. He tours with the PBR rodeo and has a hog farm on 16 acres. He is such a gentleman. I woke up Saturday with a text from him asking me out. We did go out last night and had some BBQ and went bowling, he won the first game and I won the second (I bowled a 126 including 3 strikes!!!) there was flirty touches, doors opened, and lots of cutesy kissing. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Today I had plans to meet with the guys from Friday but when I didn't hear from them I went to lunch with a GF of mine. Oh it was such a yummy taco wrap. Tonight is date night with Shy boy, bring on the cuddling!!!

Crush come true

2010-02-25T23:04:00.001-06:00

I have a date tomorrow with this guy I had the biggest crush on in high school!!!! OMG I'm so excited!!!!

Last Night Was....Today is OMG

2010-02-11T14:41:00.002-06:00

Last night was:

Yummy cheap Mexican dinner and strong jumbo margarita
Good convo with an old friend
receiving good news
spilt beer on the bar
making eyes with the hot bartender thats on layaway
starting down an Asian as he talks stocks and bonds
playing bar games and picking tones from the jukebox
leaning my boobs on the DJ while requesting favorite songs from high school
another spilt beer
drunken kissing in the walk in cooler with hot bartender
drunken arguing with old friend
kicking down my chair and delayed reaction to dropped chair
scoring hot bartender's number
more fighting with friend
a struggle to open my door and walk
a very long tipsy drive home
an ambush of crazy once home
a fight of balance
a showing of courage and guts
about giving unexpected favors
a drunk lap dance
falling asleep before the guest left
waking up knowing I was ok and happy!

Today I am flying off the handle at work. I have killer cramps and I've cried twice because I am on a total sugar high from a drink called Funcion: Alternative Energy....needless to say I'm shaking hot and all sorts of crazy right now. I can't focus and I'm having a total sugar high...not good at all!!!

Give me Courage Give me understanding

2010-02-10T13:43:00.002-06:00

Today is a big day for you let I feel like I’m there and my gut is tied in knots in worry. Why do you still have such a pull on me? I mean I settle for so little of you even now that we aren’t together. I still look at you with rose colored glasses and I still expect you to be something that clearly you are not. You are not perfect you aren’t good for me. This whole cycle of dependence I have going needs to stop. One weak moment and the anger is back just when I gave myself some credit for cutting our strings I go and sleep with you. It’s wrong and it pulls me right back to it all.

Between your new found player mode and with my withdrawal from the game, it’s hard for me to accept that you are that guy. That you can have casual sex with nurses, residents and drunken girls all the while still hooking up with me, without even telling me before hand. It’s a dangerous game that we are playing. Even though we say we are playing safe with others yet with me you don’t take the care to use protection. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t tell you that I had been with two other guys during the same weekend we hooked up but that’s my style. Its my coping method and its my weakness. I hold you to a higher standard I always will and you have failed me…though to be fair its not fair of me to put you on a higher level.

Our new style of fucking is starting to worry me too. I’m ok with it to an extent but that deep down I know that you are losing respect for me. That all the time we were together is being undone with every slap and dirty name uttered during our animal like fucking. Its vulgar fucking at that and if I really ponder on it I think its because your angry at us at how things happened with us. But yet we carry on and I allow it. If I’m honest I’m still holding out hope that we will get back together and that you are noticing that you want to be with me.

Yet you still leave me waiting. You still need to be on your own. I still need to know that I’m important to you…funny isn’t it that I act like a whore while wanting you to respect and be with me? You talk about helping your friend the latest girl you fucked about how she was having a breakdown and how you were there to help her. I was stunned that you are stupid enough to tell me that cause that is one thing you were never able to do for me. But you have always been able to help your many girl friends just not me.

Honestly after you left I was upset and hurt and feeling very empty. So of course I do something that only added to me feeling like a whore. I posted and acted on an online ad. Are you fucking kidding me?? Yea I went there. I had empty crazy sex with a stranger in the same bed where we had just laid. The same bed where the day before I was with someone else.

Today you face your ethics board and its outcome will impact your future in many ways. Today I face all the horrible behavior that I have both been acting out. I am a woman without honor. I am a women who even though believes she loves herself does everything to prove she doesn’t. I admit I’m lost and seeking my usually comfort. I enjoy empty rough sex…at least until the morning when I’m faced with the emotional drain after the climax bliss leaves. I could blame the normal causes of my cycle, childhood trauma and past experiences or my dead father as to way I am the way I am or I can just accept it and keep trying to stay straight. Up until this weekend I was doing really well in being respectful to myself then it all went out the window. I’m hanging my head and beating myself up and hoping against hope that I will get back on the wagon and calm down.

New Pleasures

2010-02-04T16:29:00.001-06:00

Last night was my first night training for my new role with my second job. I got promoted so that I’m now a manager of the front lanes and guest service for a large retail chain. I have only been working as a cashier since Nov. and I’ve exceed my own expectations for a second job. I love it and I look forward to going in. I know that though I may be tired and a little sore after my shift that I did in fact derive pleasure from my efforts.

I am thoroughly nervous in taking on this new role. I’ve never been in a position of authority before. I now am the person to go to for minor issues, customer complaints, and a number of other situations. Not only that but I have power to a degree for the first time. I’m so used to being the lowest person on my team and smothering my need for perfection that now when given a chance to shine its mildly uncomfortable. I’m deathly terrified of “being too big for my britches, something I was constantly told as a child. Being a manager these are issues I need to face and overcome. Thank goodness I’m proactive and aware, almost to a fault.

I have never been one comfortable receiving praise or a pat on the back, my normal response is to blush and grin while nodding my head. In fact in a team meeting with my day job I not only blushed but went hot all over after my boss, a women that is so intense with her work that it intimidates me, said that I was doing a exceptionally job on my new project. Not only that but my whole team who was there backed her up. In the same breath they put down another contractor who was overwhelmed with said project and thus removed herself from it.
I believe I will do great things in my new role once I man up and get over my nerves. I’m giddy with delight that I have been promoted so early and that my leaders are excited and please with my work. Its crazy that I not only holding down a full time day job but that I’m working a full time second job as well. My time is busy and productive and very much rewarding. I never would have guess that retail was my calling but I’m thriving!!!

Pass it to me now

2010-01-29T12:54:00.003-06:00

I have had so much time off this week and it is really getting to me. It doesn't help that the last 3 weeks I was working 60+hours a week and this week was only about 45! I hate have so much down time. It allows my mind to wander and then the minor depression starts. The thoughts of "oh my god I'm so lame sitting at home alone again." "Wow you suck, nothing to do and no one to hang out with" or my favorite "of course you're still single because of this and that oh and don't forget that!" or "Oh god he is having so much more fun than you that's not fair" When I'm given so much free time I get negative and a little withdrawn. Soon I'll be just content with sitting in front of the tv and the fight will go out of me.

I thrive when stuck in busy mode. I have done as much as I can this week. I've been shopping, done chores, watched more tv then I have in months and read. But there is still empty time. Sleeping doesn't help cause I really don't want to get used to extra sleep when I know next week I'll be busy again. I'll be too busy to think about my feeling about the Ex. I've been keeping those feelings at bay for 6 months and I'm still not ready to deal with them. I'm not ready to shift thru the mess that my mind. I just prefer not to venture there.

Currently I'm longing for comfort, an escape, a complete distraction, strength to see me through and more faith in myself that I'm handle things ok.

I'm tired of dating men that mean nothing to me. I miss living some part of my life for someone else. I miss sharing the small details of my life with someone at the end of the day. I won't to be forced to watch a boring tv that I would never watch on my own but will tolerate for him, I want to be held and petted. I want to be wanted for more than cheap sex. I want to finish my day in bed snuggled with a warm man. I want chemistry again.

Of course I want all that without the search without the chase. Why can't it just fall into my lap? Why can't I just find a good guy that can hold a convo and make my toes curl?

I'll be fine once I'm working at the max again but right now I'm just down and negative. Please bear with me.

Blond Monment!!!

2010-01-28T16:00:00.002-06:00

This whole week as been slow. I only had to work the day job so I've had a lot of extra time on my hands...I'm bored beyond belief. I've done laundry and run all my errands but I have nothing to fill my time with. I completely caught up on my sleep and have read 2 books in the last few days.

Besides work I'm feeling sluggish. Balloon guy is being distant and playing hard to get...which only makes me eager to see him even though I'm not really into him its the chase. I'm such a guy sometimes. Then with things ending badly with Hoff and then starting up with Whiskey its been a little crazy.

On one hand I'm digging Whiskey and when we met for drinks on Sunday we talked for a few hours and then went and played some pool. It was so nice. It was pleasant evening and there was flirting and major kissing. He has a aggressive way of kissing that took me by surprise but that totally turned me on. He completely took control and let me know who was boss...this is something that I'm usually down for at least with someone I know and trust...from him it just worked on scaring me. It was too much force so I called it night and left but did make plans to meet up again.

Our second time we planned on staying in at his place...let me just say this is not normal for me but I was game to hang out with him. I was prepared for a heavy make out session but knew that it wasn't going to end up in the bedroom. I was stupid. I know better usually and I'm still upset that I put myself in a dangerous place. Now it didn't go there...but he wanted it too and it was very apparent as soon as I walked in.

First the DVD player for the movie we were going to watch (umm there was no movie we ended watching some flick he had) wasn't hooked up to the tv. He also had his pants unzipped which he claimed wasn't on purpose when I pointed it out to him later. But he put mood lighting on and as soon as we were both sitted he went to ramming my face. He was so take charge I was wrapped up in his arms before I even comprehended that he had lifted me and adjusted me into a more comfortable position. He was strong. He was fast and very controlling. It was the kind of kiss I image when I think of a forced situation. He even grabbed my face with his hand and squeezed my mouth to kiss it. He then started to grab at my breasts and ass. He was moving so quickly I was not prepared and so I started to freak out. I started to push him off and struggle against him...it took a bit for him to take the hint.

After that there was so much tension it was bad...in hindsight I should have just left. But I stuck around and we ended up talking and watching the movie. Both of us not doing more than touching after the intense make out session. I didn't want to led him on and I guess he didn't want to kick me out for not being giving it up. On my way out the door an hour later he pushed me up against the wall and again kissed me this time in a gentle manner.

Needless to say I was stupid to put myself alone with a guy I didn't know and I'm so thankfully that he backed off.

God I hate being single....I really just want to cuddle and watch a movie!!

The demise of Hoff

2010-01-28T15:38:00.002-06:00

Ok so after 4 dates with Hoff I released him back in the world of dating. Granted date 4 was a last ditch attempt to see if there was something...there most defenity isn't! For the last week I ignored his texts and calls then after finally growing some balls on Wednesday I called him to tell him I wasn't interested. Here is the text convo following the call where I told him I wasn't interested in seeing him anymore. Its pretty funny!!

Him:So was that a "I'm really not interested" rejection or were you just trying to feel me out? I suck at detecting these things... (Really???? I said I wasn't into seeing you again...pretty clear.)

Me: Rejection

Him: :( Mind if I ask you a question? How could you think we don't have anything in common? (this was a line I used to cover for the fact that he had no friends, was lame in sexual history and a big nerd! Its a safety line!!)

Me: Well that was a small part of it some if it was that you seemed to lack confindence sober and then there were some other things I think ur a good guy just not for me, does that make sense? (Come on pal I'm trying to be nice)

Him: What do you mean by "lack of confidence sober?" (Are you fucking kidding me??)

Me: That ur kinda shy (and a no nerve man)

Him: I know I'm shy. I have depression. I can't help it. So you don't want to get more involved with me because of my medical problem? (Umm when did shyness and depression become one and the same???)

Me: Medical issue? It has nothing to do with that cant you just take it as it is? I'm not interested.

Him: Right that's why you mentioned it specifically. I thought you were different my mistake. (Nice attack on me...still not going to change me mind)

Me: We only went out a few times it didn't work out, it happens

Him: I wish you would have admitted up front that you were going to be this repulsed about something I can't change, it would have saved us both a lot of time.

Me: Replused? What are you even talking about??

Him: Me being shy my depression!!! Did you even read that?? (WTF!!!)

Me: First off I didn't know you had depression, it didn't even occur to me until you mentioned tonight and second I didn't mean to upset you, I'm just not into you

Him: Well its not something I'm exactly proud of telling people. Its not the 1st time this has happened and it gets hard to take after a while.

That was it...I didn't have a reply. I felt bad but really he made no sense at all. I'm so glad its over cause this guy is just nuts!!

WTF

2010-01-22T16:54:00.002-06:00

So Balloon Guy just bailed on our plans tonight!! Jerk! I was totally looking forward to seeing him now I have a whole night off with nothing to do! WTF????

I'm irrationally upset that he had to cancel. When did I start to like him? I am so bummed right now I want to cry. Tonight is not going to go well at all.

Hope everyone else has a good weekend though...I'll be working some of it and trying to improve my mood cause I'm dumbfounded that I'm this upset about Balloon guy! Seriously when did he start to matter to me??? Damn him!

Dang Its all Blink

2010-01-21T12:06:00.002-06:00

So last night me and Waffle House went to a bar right next to my apartment. Its so close that we walked there and good thing too cause neither one of us remember getting home last night.

In fact the majority of the evening is BLINK. Like really neither one of us remembers walking home, getting home, or going to bed. Ummm...I did wake up in just shorts...no top and Waffle House stayed the night so I must have been too drunk to be on a top. Who even knows!

Then this morning I didn't have an alarm set and I woke up thanks to my hungry cat. I woke up 9 mins before I had to be at work...how fucking lovely. So I freak out and stumble to the bathroom to check the damage on the hair...its pulled back in a pony since I didn't have to time to shower and I'm sure I look like shit today but I also feel like a train ran over me too so it works.

I was all sorts of shaky this morning. In a deep fuzz with little clarity of what happened. I did manage to get dress and out the door without throwing up. The drive was diffucult thought since I was still feeling sleepy and awful.

I have since threw up twice at work and I'm feeling much better. I hate being hang over but this is totally different then most of my hang overs. I'm shaky, having hot flashes then chills and my head is all cloudy. My girlfriends also reports that she too feels shitty and is void of memories from last night.

Ummm seriously folks we only had 2 full pitchers, 2 shots and one beer from a 3rd pitcher (I didn't even know we had a third!)...so we had what 6 drinks in 2.5 hrs??? That pretty low and there should be no reason that we are sick today. We left at midnight for pete's sake.

Has this ever happened to anyone else??? I mean I know we got drunk and I know that we were feeling it early but to not remember the night's end has me worried cause we had so little to drink. I'm wondering if maybe one of the guys we were chatting with might have something to do with it. But we didn't leave our drinks alone so I don't see how that could have happened.

I love this bar they have great specails and its within walking distance of my place. However, I'm totally hang over today at work and I was late...I hate that! I believe if you can't hang out and still get to work in the morning then you should go out. Normally I'm fine but I guess last night was bad very bad.

None of it makes sense!! How could both me and my friend blackout from 6 drinks in 2.5 hours??? I wish I knew!!!

Roll call please

2010-01-20T08:48:00.004-06:00

Newbies:

None this week! I blame this on the lost of Internet and working 60-70 hours a week! But as you'll see I still have enough action and drama!

Updates:

Hoff-See last few emails...4th date happened on Sunday. He brought over a selection of movies that frankly I had no clue in watching. Needless to say I chose the best I could and went with the Blue Brothers. It was surprisingly good. During the movie he made no attempt what so ever to make a move or anything...he stayed on his side and I stayed on mine...boring!! Then after the movie we went to Steak n' Shake where he finished his food before my correct order even came back to the table! RUDE! Not to mention that its already hard to eat in front of a new guy but to be watched the whole time was unnerving. This is also when he disclosed that he's only friend is his exgirfriend. When I said I was still friends with my ex he was all excited and took my pinkie and I kid you not said "We're besties with our Exs' how cool!" It was so lame!

Later at my place he was slightly tipsy from our stop at the local watering hole. This meant he finally had some nerve and some confidence. However he lacked kissing skill and quickly tore my face up with his 5 o'clock shadow...I pushed him off and went to be put lotion on. It was that bad. Not to mention that he had started to caress my boobs and dry hump me! It was awful and quite possibility the worst make out session I've had. I send him home quite soon....now I have to let him down.

Whiskey-Remember how excited I was that we click but let down that he left without getting my number...well I did send him a friend request via FB and he not only accepted but emailed me. Turns out he was trying to find me thru tagged photos but hadn't been successful. We chatted online for a few minutes then I lost service before we could exchange #s. When I was able to finally get back online (The Ex did it for me since I haven't set up Internet at my new place) he had messaged me his #.!!!! I was super psyched!! I ended up testing him about 12:30am and he was still up! I can't wait to see where this goes!!

The Ex—He had sex with a third girl since our break up. I find out last night when he was checking my messages on FB. Odd thing is I'm ok with it. We are both "seeing other people" but I didn't expect the sharp pain of jealously. First off I knew that he got some when I heard his voice...he was too happy and calm. It was worried cause the mental picture of another girl in his bed...the same bed I was just in a few weeks ago. Oh and the fact that she went to my high school and was in my class is just creepy!! The world is just too small of a place. I haven't broken my promise to myself though. The Ex hasn't been at my apartment since I got settled. We also seem to be cutting back on contact too!

Hampton—Asked me to go to his work party and stay the night. I would have gone expect I was too tried after working 70 hours last week....no lie!

Balloon Hottie—Ummm...I'm afraid to say I can't seem to shake him. We have a date this weekend. Turns out my new place isn't that far from one of his businesses and his in my new town more than my last one. I dunno why we fight all the time and when I tried bringing it up he totally ignored me. Guess he doesn't want to talk about his feelings, whatever! I still need to christen my apartment. Now if only we could take the heat from our yelling matches into the bedroom we would be all set.
***It needs to be said. I'm not a fighter never have a dated a man that I can stand to see mad. I'm not a drama queen. I'm not used to fighting but I really enjoy it. I'm for what ever reason loving playing with fire. I enjoy fighting with him and I think that's why I can't shake him...what is wrong with me??? That boys' going to get burned.

Done with: BlockbusterValley (AKA PIG) Young Guy, High School Boy, Election, Rocks, Tattoo, Zoo, Uber Nerd, What's his name, Austin

Third Date with Hoff

2010-01-14T12:34:00.002-06:00

So this was my first third date since I've been single. I was really excited and Hoff and I get along better and better. But our third date was a minor disappointment. He bored me. He really is quite nerdy and lacks social grace.

During dinner he talked about plants and his garden for a good 20 mintues...I started to tune it out as I have no interest at all in plants. He is a very smart fellow and he loves his plants. I can respect that but good god I don't want to listen to him talk about it forever!!

He has yet to mention any fun outings with friends...or friends period. He talks about his family all the time. I like a family guy but really one needs friends. Its wrong not to be social and stuff!!

He also mentioned that he has been single for the last 3 years..wtf?? Not a single lenghtly relationship in 3 years...warning flag!

Then we started to talk about sex...he hasn't made any advances or comments on dates 1 or 2. So I brought up the topic as I'm a sexual person. This guy is very tame and very uncomfortable talking about sex. As he asked me questions his eyes kept getting bigger and bigger. He was shocked at my answers. He asked if I've ever been caught in the act, duh who hasn't. He asked if I've been with more than one person at a time and in a night, ummm yes to both. He was shocked!

During the convo he got red in the face and was shifting his weight. He totally showed that he lacked confindence and that in itself is a huge turn off.

I hate guys without sexual expirence they are boring to be with and you have to teach them everything...I want a guy that either matches or exceeds me in expirence or skill. I am not a whore but some wet behind the ears act like I am just because I have a lengthy list of advangers!

So with all that factored in my interest in Hoff has taken a serious nose drive. He is nice and has a lot of great traits but he is a bit too goody goody for me.

***Random text from Hampton***
Out of the blue Hampton (the blind drummer with whom I stuck my foot in my mouth) texts me this week and wants to get together again. Its been such a time since we talked I no longer had his number in my phone. He has a work party this weekend and wants me to be his date. I told him I would go. Ummm open bar, free food and a chance to network!! I hope it goes well plus I have the night free so I need something to do. Wonder how bad I'll be with him this time??

Everything is coming up roses

2010-01-12T13:19:00.002-06:00

Quick post to share the delight in my life...I don't have internet at home right now!!

1. The second job has extended a promotion to me into entry level managment even before my 90 day review!!

2. My day job is picking up and I'm starting a new role today that involves high end testing.

3. I got accepted as a big sister with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program!!!!

4. I'm all moved in to my new place!!! I haven't shared my bed at all and so far the Ex has only been there to help. I love my place minus the lack of hot water for more than 5 mintues and cold floors!!

Live is good and tonight is my third date with Hoff!!!

Date Night with Hoff

2010-01-08T11:24:00.002-06:00

So Hoff is the second guy that I've been out with twice. He is also the only one where a third is planned. Last night we met up to see Sherlock Holmes and ended up having drinks at a a nearby bar. It was the same place where I met Whiskey.

Ok so during the movie I just slyly leaning towards him and brushing his leg...all hints that is was cool to put his arm around me or hold me hand...he didn't quite grasp it though. Guys really don't get hints. So finally more than half way into the movie I just went for his hand and he took it and started to caress it. I totally got butterflys!! Weird! Then later in the movie when i notice how hot my girls were looking I faked cold and he noticed. So he adjusted the way he was sitting so that he could wrap his arms around me and warm me up. I have to say that's pretty touchy for a second date but I was digging it. It was nice to be held and I think he smelled my hair. It was sweet.

So at the bar which impressed him! Score for me!! I was feeling like having a glass of wine and he followed. Turns out he likes semi dry reds like I do. However the house blend was total shit so we switched to beer. We kept getting closer to each other and his courge built with each drink. We started to flirt more openly and the rest of the bar fall away. There was a guy performing and I asked if he could a Neil Diamond song but he didn't hear me but Hoff did. This is where I started to swoon.

He claimed to be a Neil fan and I was all like yea right what dude knows/likes Neil? But he said he was for real and told me his favortie sing by him. Though he got the title a little wrong he mentioned my favorte song!! Major points!! Then he rattled off another and then he took me by total surpise when he started singing a few cords from one of Neil's more poplular hits!! OMG I fall in love right there!! What guy just starts singing Neil Diamond?? It was AWESOME!

We kept talking and I find out his family has season seats to the Cards...right behind Home Plate!! They also have a lake house...yet he is modest and non flashy.

I think the funnest part of the evening is when I pulled out my chapstick and he was all like OMG you take off the label too? Then he pulled out a tube of chapstick that was label less just like mine. It was too funny how excited he was that we should share such a quirky trait. Oh and we are both left handed!!

We just kept talking and touching. It was really nice. Then we started trading embarrssing stories! He is super funny! My face actually started to hurt from smiling and laughing. He also has a tendency to put his foot in his so I'm kinda off the hook from that!!

When it was time to leave we headed out our cars. He climbed in to mine as it heated up and totally went for a kiss. An open mouth french kiss. It was great! When we pulled apart he said that I was a good kisser and that I tasted good. It was cute! Then when we started kissing again he took off his glove so he could run his fingers through my hair! It was a nice touch.

I can't wait to see him again on Tuesday...I wonder what he has planned.

Pros

Knew two Neil Diamond songs…favorite is the same song (even if got the title wrong)
Sang Neil Diamond to prove he was a fan without being asked.
Hates coming to America with almost the same hatred as me.
Is also left handed.
Has season seats behind home plate for the Cards and a lake house at the Lake
Tells embarrassing stories and a tendency to also put his foot in his mouth.
Carries Chapstick and got weirdly excited that I also peel the label off!
After our first French kiss said while looking me in the eye that I’m a good kisser and that I taste good.
Made my face hurt again from laughing and smiling too much.
Is a good tipper.
Looks kinda like the husband from King of Queens.
Is really tight with his family.
Knows my hometown cause its where he went to college.
Ex Frat boy. Ex Catholic.
When kissing goodnight he took off his glove to run his hand through my hair.

Cons
Has a weird habit of closing his eyes when he is thinking or when he is interrupted also has an annoying habit of biting his thumb when nervous.
Kinda shy without booze, like didn’t make a move to hold me hand or anything during the movie last night.
Gets braver as the night wears on and booze is flowing.
Is the same height as me…kinda short for me.
My friends will tear him apart.

So tonight I have a date with another guy, we are doing Mexican food and Tequilla. Then at night end I'm going over to the Ex's to pack up my stuff. It's a stupid move I know. I mean its already going to be emotional but going there tipsy will only make things worse. Then not to mention that sex will most likely happen. Its since Xmas eve for me (with Balloon Man, who I'm no longer speaking to after Tuesday! I swear it this time!!!) and even longer for the Ex. He promises a good performance and I could totally use it. The sex with Balloon guy was too lame he was a great talker but don't actually carry through with any of it...total disppointment!

Sex with the Ex though that shit is hot. It starts off nice and gentle but once I've had one or two I turn into a freak and beg for it hard and rougher. Since we know what buttons to push and we feel safe with each other it can get pretty intense. I could use a long sack session and the Ex will totally be bringing his A game so I'm antsy as hell right now looking forward to it. Oh yes and I will be posting it on this new website I discover...Ijustmadelove.com.

Tomorrow I move!!!! I will get me cat back and my naked time! I plan on lots and lots of naked time!

If we can't live in peace fuck it lets die!

2010-01-05T15:57:00.000-06:00

I’m ready to pull out my fucking hair. 2010 is going to be the death of me! 5 days in and its all be shit just shit. I’m down I’m just going to lay down and let this year ass rape me. While fucking fight it!??? What is the point…nothing is getting better!

Fuck my day job so what if it pays the bills I hear you don’t have to have money to be happy. I’m could make a good crack whore. I’m good on my knees that’s all you need in this fucked up world. Marketable skills oh you don’t fucking need them.

Piss on my world everyone one else is…just be sure to take a number. Oh yea there’s a line for that shit! Think I’m thinking…you don’t know shit.

As the anger builds the crowd parts. Amazing what a raging psycho path will do. Fuck with me and you might get stabbed…lose an eye oh that could be fun.

Boring!!

2010-01-04T16:44:00.002-06:00

So for my date tomorrow, Hoff asks if there is anything I'm dying to do and instead of replying that I really want to go to the gun range and shoot I give him back three choices. 1. Country Bar that's offering free line dancing lessons 2. An Open Mic night at a comedy club or 3. Drinks at a local watering hole that I hate but that's close to home

Of course he choose opotion 3! Now I have to go to a bar that I've been quite successful at dodging for years! Its a hot spot in my hometown and I've only been 4 times!!! Now because of some unknow love for their BBQ Nachos, Hoff is totally pysch for it! Damn, damn!!

Oh the stupid games we play! I will really hoping he would daring enough for the line dancing! Fuck!!!

Roll Call Please!!

2010-01-04T09:52:00.000-06:00

Newbies:

Austin-- A random guy I chatted with for a few days. Met from POF and his profile sounded interested. Talk to him twice but it went nowhere. He kept getting me confused with a chick that had a kid and I don’t remember anything from his profile…like age and location you know the vital information.

Hoff—A guy that I’ve been chatting with since I started online dating, and who I’m finally meeting in person tomorrow. He works in computers and his family owns a few local chains. He is witty and down to earth. He is 27 and just bought a house. I excited about meeting him.

Whiskey—Met him in person at a friend’s 30th bday dinner. He is 25 is a computer programmer and likes to drink whiskey on the rocks. Talked back and forth very easily for about 2 hours but when he left he did so quickly and without asking me for my number. We talked sports, guns and whiskey. We laughed and flirted. I goggled him and find him quite easily. Now I’m just trying to figure out if I should message him on FB? Something casual and witty would work but I dunno? I have gotten more daring but I don’t want to come on too strong. Maybe a short email or friend request will do? Oh I don’t know!!!

Updates:

The Ex—We talk every few days about our cat. I'm moving this weekend so that means that I have to collect all my stuff from his place. Since we moved back home together in July and I moved out end of August I didn't feel like taking my stuff with me. He will be losing a lot of stuff and the cat. I wonder what facade we’ll use once we don't have moving or the cat to talk about. Just to point out that he initiates contact with me just as often as I with him. We haven’t seen each other in a good while and we are both moving on. Hampton—We are no longer talking. Nothing happened things just fizzed out. Uber Nerd—Won’t take a hint that he is the friends zone. Why oh why doesn’t he keep calling?Balloon Hottie—Since the last update I decided to hang out with him again. On Xmas Eve he come out with me and the family and had a few drinks. I Haven’t had a chance to see him since as he is leaving on a cruise soon and is busy with that and work. I’m moving this weekend so he will no longer be convenient which has me thinking that our time as expired as he isn’t the kind of guy to drive a way to visit. Kinda sad.Zoo—has still made no contact since using school exams as an excuse. I haven’t called or texted him either…wonder what happened because I had a great time. Tattoo—Contacted me midweek last week and wanted to chat. I blew him off and haven’t hear from him since.

What's his name—Went on a second date with him if you call it that. We met up at a mall on a Wednesday and ate at the food court. Beside the lameness of this date and his sampling of all the free food he went on and on about his kickball league and how he had a bar in his basement. He must of mentioned the basement about a dozen times. I get it you have a basement and it has a bar. It’s a total man cave. Cool good for you! Oh you want this and that in your bar? Neat-o! Oh you want to show me pictures of you drinking and playing kickball, drinking and playing bags, painting balling before drinking? Wow buddy do you do more than drink? Do you think its cool that your 37 and you still center your life around drinking? I enjoy drinking too but I have outside interest. Plus when you took us into Spencer’s gift I want to gag. Ummm yuck!!

Rocks—He got a bit too intense for me and so I am ignoring his calls, texts, IMs and emails. Did I mean he is really skinny? Skinny guys creep me out.

Election—told him that we are never going to happen. He took it well and said that normally it’s the guy that stops calling after hooking up not the girl, its too funny sometimes how much I think and behave like a dude. We’ll stay friends. High school boy—Called again but we only played phone tag for a day and he disappeared again. Maybe he wised up.

Done with: BlockbusterValley (AKA PIG) Young Guy High School Boy

If I say, write and repeat it enough it will come true

2009-12-31T13:36:00.002-06:00

Inspired by “What I know Now” Letters to my younger Self edited by Ellyn Spragins

This year will be one for self reflection this is the year I will turn and look inside of myself and heal. After the bumpy ride that was 2009 I will take the time for self reflection and for discovering who I am. I will stop being busy just to be busy. I will face the fear of being alone with my thoughts.

They are what they are and I must face them if I ever want to be healthy and truly functional. I will mend my broken heart and stand on my own two feet. I am worth it. I will start honoring the women I am. This is the year that I will be selective. I will live by a greater standard.

2009 was a year that turned my life upside down and forced me to stop and reevaluate life. July and August were at my lowest of lows, I was unemployed, broke, bed ridden and deeply depressed. Being down and still beating myself up for my failures.

It was also the end of the Ex and me. After 5 years of being together we realized that there wasn’t love there. There was comfort most days and familiarity so it was easy to keep pace but the thrill and excitement were gone. It took too much work denying the voice inside, the one that said ‘hey this isn’t the fit for you’. Remember freshman year of college and all the late night talks with your RA when you confessed you weren’t sure if you wanted to even date him but it was easier to stay. Even then it was easier to stay and have fun then too be alone. Why was I so scared of being alone?

Granted I am who I am today because of my love with the Ex and that means a lot to me but I know that I have robbed myself of so much. I vested time in a fairy tale that won’t be happening. Along the ride there were stops there were flashing lights that I just blocked out. Like the night I slapped a guy for getting fresh and the Ex just stood idle doing nothing. Or when I broke down the first time and he went silent? Or when I missed my Aunt memorial service to help move him to Iowa? When we broke up the first time because he wasn’t supporting me and was all take but distant? Or every time I soften and made excuses or now when I forget what a disappointment he was for me. When I linger in day dreams that you were good together that he is the man I need. Why is it so hard to accept that it’s not right it’s not the proper fit and you have already wasted enough energy on him? MOVE ON but don’t beat yourself up over it.

This New Year I need to prove to myself that I am strong and can be my person. I hate the habits I have I know that I’m hurting but my behaviors aren’t helping. I need to be good to myself because if I can’t be then why would someone else be? I need to curtail my drinking. It is not normal to drink most of the week. It’s not healthy to rely so heavy on the bottle. I don’t my adult life revolving around the bottle. I will not say that I will be strict on it by saying no drinking mid week, no drinking before 5 or on Sundays. I will become more mindful of it though. I will go out with having to have a drink to fit in. I will try and stop driving after drinking. I AM NOT invincible JUST BECAUSE MY DAD DEAD IN A CAR. I am not safe because of some weird belief that GOD won’t let me die in a car because that how my dad dead. I am sicken by the amount of time my mom spends drinking. Sure she does things without drinking but when you’re in your 40s and drinking is a central part of your life it’s sad. I don’t want to be like that.

With romance and love I need to slow down and stay positive. I need to remind myself that I’m young and have tons of time for marriage and babies. Just because a lot of my peers are married or getting married is not a reason to feel pressured and bitter. Marriage and love isn’t something you can force. I can’t even name 5 reasons I want to be marriage that are for me and that don’t have to do with social pressure. I also really need to get over the fact that it didn’t happen with the Ex and that is OK. I want a good marriage but first I need to discover who the hell I am. Currently I’m dating just to be dating. I have no standard and I’m easily impressed and flittered. A guy throws a bit of attention towards me and I’m to weak to walk away in fear of hurting them. This must stop. I need to stop going out just for the company. I need to ask “what are you getting from this?” “Is this really going to go anywhere” “DO you even like this guy” instead of choosing guys that have no appeal and are just time filler…this means you’re not ready to date, which by the way you really are ready and you can’t force either. Listen to the voice in your head and just stop.

This is also the year that I will embrace my father’s suicide. I will work through my anger and my resentment. I will join a support group and I will talk about him. I will ask family about him and I will honor him. I will come to terms that my life is impacted in every way because of his choice. I will be strong and open to what this will bring to my life. I will get my answers.

In 9 days I’m moving out on my own again. I’m beside myself with joy. I’m also very nervous. Will I fail again? Will I lean to heavy on my weakness, men and booze? Will I fall into a depression? Will I achieve the dreams and goals have I have set for myself?
-start yoga, eat healthier like more fruit and stuff, keep a book journal, get back to church and finally stop giving myself to men that mean nothing.

Will 2010 be the year that I surprise myself by continuing the self growth I’ve started? I quit smoking a year ago tomorrow. I had always said I didn’t want to be a smoker in my 20s but never actually thought I would/could quit. I say a lot of things but fumble on the follow through.

This year will be different. I will stay focused. I will strive and reach for the stars.

Moving!!

2009-12-27T21:51:00.004-06:00

Since moving back to my home state I have missed DMS so much. But I moved back in July and then moved back in with my mom at the end of August when me and the Ex broke up. So I'm fizzy on if I really miss DMS or the freedom I had when I was living there. It is the first place I lived on my own. Its also the first place that was truly my city. I fell hard for DMS and loved it deeply. I came into my own there. I lived on my own there, I mastered public transit there, I survived truly on my own two feet in a place where I knew only one person and where I went not having a job or any connections.

It was a place for daring, it was a magical adult land that I was free to roam and that I successful managed and where I find me. Its where I discovered that I can be true of ties from my support system and still thrive. I could travel on mass transit and learn to love it. I could embrace the bitter cold temps and snow while still being that snow and winter had a magical touch. It was the last place I was in love in. Its a place that will forever linger with the Ex scent.

DMS is my city. Its where I know I can thrive and its a beautiful place. With small town charm but limit pushing views and people its a city of growth and promise.

As of late I have been really missing DMS, the hang outs, the friends, the weather and the freedom I was given. I know I haven't been back since I left and its pulling on my heart. I know that it will never have the same luster as I remember now and I know it will never hold the same spell over me because of the fall out with the Ex. This is a great sadness. This is a mourning I'm not sure I can stop.

As I finish up me time living at my mothers and preparing to be on my own again. I feel quite like a did leading up to moving to DMS. I'm ready, I'm buying the necessary goods and I'm budgeting the right amount of money. I'm shaky with excitment and still with fear. I'm unsure how I will handle sleeping alone in a new place. How I will handle going home alone and waking alone and having my own place again. I can promise there will be bounds of naked time. There will be plenty of microwaved meals and too much TV. There will Sundays spent in bed when I have no reason to leave the warmth. There will be bonding time with my kitty. I can promise there will success there will be joy and there is already a delight that is spreading in my heart.

I'm an totally psych to be in a place where I can so quickly gather myself together and move forward. I'm blissed that I have been given the right tools to do this quickly and successful and I'm delighted that my move and the new year are so close together. This is the first New Years where I have tons of hope for the future and where I can see real change coming to me. I'm ready for a fresh start.

12 days to go!!!

Damn you!!!

2009-12-24T12:50:00.002-06:00

Oh the nerve of you! Fuck you! I'm so pissed at you I'm not sure if I want to curl up and cry or if I want to go out and have angry self hating sex with someone else just to feel as empty as possible.

Why do you have to power to turn a beautiful carefree day of bliss into another day where I will be trapped in my head a day where I'm fighting the tears that are bound to fall. I hate you for holding this power. You are the greatest source of pain in my life. You WERE the greatest the source of happiness and joy but now I'm just bitter and cold. I'm a tease I'm scared and I'm hurt.

You have made me all of these things. I'm not healed I'm not even on the road to healing for long stretches of time cause you call and derail all progress I've manage to make. So whose fault is it...mine for being a silly chick and having the attachment to you after all this time or yours for being so stupid and clueless that you think you can seek solace from me.

You are truly cruel and I hate you for it. It is more than I can take. I can't be your friend anymore its too harmful. During our time together you hid, you were closed off and sheltered. You never shared. I had no idea that you were depressed through out our relationship that you were hoarding feelings of self worthlessness and doubts of all sorts. You never shared. You never opened up then but now you think its safe? You think I want to hear it now. That I care???

Well yes I care and it hurts me to new levels. You were never honest. Even when I was deep in the hole alone and feeling so small you never even hinted that you shared the small dark thoughts that you too know the loneliness of it all. You never confounded in me, why???

Why do it now? Why seek my comfort now when I can't provide it...when I don't want to! When it hurts to turn you away cause it hurts to learn about now so late in the game.

And now when I say I miss you and when I tell you I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that yes we are over and you have moving away (next year for your last year of Medical School) you can at least reply to me instead of being all about you. Its the same way you were when we were together. You changing the subject you opening a little then pulling away but expecting me to hold your hand and give you solutions. I can't do it anymore.

Do you not see how fragile I am and how badly I'm taking it all? I'm on the edge of survival I'm barely even there most days. I'm in my usual cycle of self hate clinging to the most dangerous things I can find. Why seek assistance from me? I'm broken and of no help so flake off and leave be. I can't help you because you helped break me.

You the one who crushed my hope and took my time the one who held my dreams and who my world revolved around for so long. Don't text me and tell me you are alone and feeling lonely without acknowledging that I'm in the same boat. That I'm there because of you.

Merry Fucking Christmas to you too!!!

Steak, Shrimp and Salmon oh and a guy

2009-12-22T22:42:00.002-06:00

Had a first date tonight with a guy I met off Okcupid.com. This is now my third date of this site in about two weeks. 1. being the awful date with the fire pit guy 2. being with tattoos. and 3. with What's his name

Ok so what's his name is your basic nice guy. He has his shit together and even has long term possibilities. He is over 30, maybe even late 30s. He has a house, job and a cat! Never married and no kids. Makes me wonder why he hasn't been sagged up yet? He is nice, intellect, can hold a convo, made me genuine laugh and is polite.

Things that are making me pause...he reminds me of one of my uncles, he is older, he is looking for long term and honestly I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

Things that make me want to call him...he is nice, he has his shit together, we clicked some and I let him kiss me.

Dinner was fun and a first. We went to a Japanese steakhouse where they cook the food right in front of you and serve it you. I tried grilled shrimp and had steak and salmon. It was really cool. Our table was us and a group of ladies who get together and eat at different places. It was odd that he was the only one guy at the table and he didn't seem to be too social esp for all his talk about his circle of friends. I know that the chief and I were flirting a bit...its part of the whole experience so i dunno if that played a part or what.

Of the guys I've been out with lately he is one of the older ones he is also the most collected. I think there might be a second date. Something with a bit more action.

In other news:

I worked the second job last night and it wasn't bad...seeing that over the weekend I managed to work about 24 hours total. But my last customer was a guy who was all happy about proposing to his GF over Xmas that it made me sick. I also just find out that the Ex is deciding where he is going to be spending all of next year this week...his mom was kind enough to stop by my cube at work to tell me. I felt like I got punched in the stomach! So I wasn't in the greatest state of mind and I ended up calling Balloon guy...and yea we ending up in the sack last night.

For all his talk he is kinda lame in the bedroom. But damn if he isn't persistent otherwise I would have just gone home and went to bed. But he keeps posting on my FB wall and texting me. So if course he is on my mind and I have totally forgotten why I ditched him. Well played!! Makes me wonder if he will improve if given the chance.

Rocks and I are trying to get together again. I'm thinking he will make a fine bed partner as he sounds kinky as hell. Guess I'll just have to see what he is working with.

No call back from Zoo and Hampton is also MIA. Two less to worry about. Thank goodness!!

Its her Birthday!!!

2009-12-18T16:26:00.001-06:00

Last night I went out with my girlfriend for her birthday. We had a blast! Things have known to get a little crazy when we go out and last night proved no exception. We started off tame with dinner and a glass of wine at one of our favorite places, Houlihan's. The food wasn’t that great but it was fairly cheap and the wine was yummy.

We then decided to go to our new regular hang out, a bar next to her place; it’s so close we could walk from her apartment if we weren’t so damn lazy! We have now been there on several occasions and have always had a great time.

We walk in at 7 right as happy hour is ending and two hours before the late night special on pitchers starts. This special is the reason we went, strike that we went because it was close and we love it there. But cheap beer is always welcomed. Any woo I got there first and took up residence at the bar between two older men. I know the bartender from school and she hooks me up with the pitcher special!! Its freaking awesome! Then my friend shows up. The bar is kinda dead and everyone is sitting at the bar…the crowd dead done to just us and like 3 other people! It was great because we got to catch up and drink our cheap beer.

Then as the night progressed the crowd started to show back up. We had planned to only have one pitcher but soon we started our second did a round of shots and started to flirt with the guys that were there. My GF got in a lengthy convo with the guy next to her about Sushi and I swear they talked forever. I chatted up the older dude next to me. He was nice but kinda boring so I got up and ventured down to the other end of the bar, leaving my GF talking with the guy who ended up buying our third pitcher of beer.

The guy at the other end was a total nerd and I’m not sure what we talked about but I remember he worked for the college I attended and I harassed him for being on his blackberry the whole time. He was emailing from the time we got there at 7 until the time I approached him at like 9ish when the bar is starting to get crowded and the DJ sets up. This nerd buys us a round of shots and I openly flirt with him until I grow bored and decide it’s time to rescue my friend. We are both pretty tipsy from the wine, our 2nd pitcher and a few shots. Its only 10 and the bar is now packed with younger guys and there’s a DJ playing music videos. I remember requesting Marilyn Mason but not what song. This is also when the night gets really fizzy.

I only remember bits and parts. Like I left to buy my GF smokes from the discount shop next door and her delight in receiving them. I remember the nerd kept eyeing me the rest of the night and I think I gave him some winking action. I remember trading looks with this guy sitting next to the nerd who likely thought the winks were for him. I know that I got up and sat between new guy and nerd and flirted hardcore with new guy. New guy is hot! He has a full beard but totally pulls it off. I remember him saying he looks 12 without it. He is 30 and single. I managed to get his number and when he was putting it in my phone he gave me his whole name. LOVE IT!!! I totally googled him first thing this morning cause I’m totally like that.While I’m with new guy my GF is flirting with the bouncer if I recall correctly and he is super duper cute but totally married! I think we both gave him a hard time for that. But then my GF likes guys that are unavailable. It’s her thing just like sensitive momma boys are my thing.

We must have talked to almost everyone in the bar. It was so much fun just flirting and getting drunk. I’m still fighting the thoughts that last night was fourth night in a row that I had been tipsy or drunk. Cause Monday I had 3 beers with Rocks, Tuesday I went to the Blues game where I had 3 24oz beers, Wednesday’s work party where I had 3 glasses of wine and finally last night’s pitchers, shots and wine. I’m so tired today so I think its catching up with me! But I would do it all over again! However the down side of drinking so much is…

Not remember getting home, so in the morning waking up is kinda crushing like this morning. I was confused on where I was and what time it was. My alarm that I set for 5am so I could go home and get ready for work didn’t go off. Luckily the GF and I woke at the same time and I made to work showered and on time. Then there are the last details of the evening. Like did we really eat 6 day old pork last night!! Yes we did! Did I actually text the new guy? Yes appears so! What kind of impression did I make? I guess it must be good…he sent a few texts after I passed out.

Overall I have the impression it was a great evening. It was total ok somewhat rare form for me too get that plowed during the week…but hey a birthday only happens once a year!

Mountian Dew!!

2009-12-17T12:21:00.003-06:00

So my day started off in the grabage! I woke up late and was totally feeling the three glasses of red wine I had at last night's work Christmas party. It was a murder mystary thing...more like a play then anything. But I got tispy and had a good time.

This morning tho...I had to check my antifreeze and oil levels since its been a while. In my recent past I drive my car into death (the same one I have now) because I didn't check or change my oil in about 6 months time. I pretty much had my whole engine replaced and so now I'm hyper aware if levels and shit. So I check and fill this morning feeling pretty good that one I remembered and two that it hadn't been so long. Then my day went to crap!

I drove to work knowing I was really low on gas, I was planning on stop at a cheaper station closer to work. Which I did and my gas tank is in the red very far into the red. I go to get my debit card only to find I don't have it, I don't have my license either, nor any other credit cards! I only have my checkbook which does zip! So I drive with my fingers crossed and pray I make it to work. I have never been this low on gas before!! I'm stressed and hungry and without coffee!!

I have since manage to borrow $ from a co-worker who also trailed me to the station to make sure I made it...which I totally did!! I got gas then promety went to the bank. Do you know how easy it is to withdraw $ from your account with a debit card. No withdrawl slip or anything. NO ID just my SS # and a smile. I felt like such a dummy asking if I could access my account with my card the teller, this total hot guy with a neat tie was playfuly laughing at me but ended up being a life saver. I wish I was more like NTKG and asked for his digits or something! Maybe I'll find an excuse to visit him again.

So my day has turned around for the better. I'm totally pumped from Taco Bell and Mountian Dew. I even ordered something new, who would have thought there was something at Taco Bell that I haven't tried? It totally made me think that even in places we know pretty darn well still have a few surprises left. Humm I wonder what tiggered that deep thinking connection from Taco Bell to discover new things from well know places. My mind is quite the puzzler today.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with a great friend. We haven't seen each other is like forever...ok only since the 7th but people please this women so gets me. I can be my whole self in front of her and she totally loves and accepts me. I hope she feels the same but I swear she is so closed lipped sometimes its hard to tell. One of my bigest wish is her to open herself up more. I have tons of questions I would love to ask her but know that she would never answer! I so excited to see her!!!

This weeks Roll Call

2009-12-15T11:27:00.002-06:00

Roll Call Please!! I’m doing this both for my own sanity as for my few followers!! Hello people I've been stuck at 6 forever now!! Its starting to bum me out.

Newbies:

Hometown--this guy is from my town. He and I have been chatting for too long. I'm getting bored talking online I really want to meet him but he is all like why don't you have full body photos on your profile? Why it never crossed my mind that all my photos but on that site, FB and Myspace all are 3/4!! I haven't a single full body shot online. He brought this up because he's worried I'm pulling the ol' bait and switch. It was enough to piss me off even if I understand where he is coming from. If we don't meet soon I'm writing him off.

What's his name--a total sweetie...very proper...very straight edge. Vibed more online than in person. But we have met...he is cute, kinda timid and shy. Totally the guy to take home to someones mom...but not mine she would eat him for lunch. He might be too good goody for me.

Rocks--this guy however makes me all sorts of antsy I talked him once online before meeting him for drinks last night. He is 24 has a degree where he works with the goverment and rocks. He is very smart and extermely well spoken his vocab blows me out of the water. He is a slender guy though which for me isn't that hot. I don't find him sexy looking but he is a looker. I can't us leading anywhere besides the bedroom which I am totally fine with. He mentioned a few things that have me all perked up. Mind you I just met this guy but he and I talk the same language. Excited to see if he plays as good of a game as he talks.

Election--this guy used to make my Ex all sorts of jealous. I called him after I was newly single just to see if he really did have something for me cause I had denied it for years. We meet back in 2004 when he trained me for the election. We ended up talking for 2 hours after the class and having dinner. Fast forward to present and we have hang out twice but I'm not really feeling him or us. I'm currently putting off sharing that news with him.

Updates:

The Ex—we haven' talked since last week's hook up. I'm currently in limbo about us. So I have deleted his number from my phone (I have it memorized but this totally slows down the crazy calls). If I want us to be friends I have to stop leaning so hard on him. Last Monday being a huge pass.

Hampton—Still talking to even after our foot in mouth date. He wants to get together again. I enjoy talking to him but I'm still holding back cause he lives so far away (like 45 mins from my new place but I would have to do all the driving).

Uber Nerd—Calling me up to invite me to Ballroom dancing. Fighting the urge to yes for the exposure to dance...I love it but I suck pretty hard plus if I said yes I would being leading him on and that's mean.

Balloon Hottie—Surprise I'm still thinking about him. Dunno what that's all about but he is out of the state at the moment. I wouldn't mean running into him again just to remind myself why he isn't a fit.

Zoo—has totally bailed out of contact either for the real reason of "school Exams" or he is trying to politely brush me off...I'm hoping for the exams to be real. I totally hit it off with him.

Tattoo—So he only has 12 tattoos. But his Mohawk is awesome! Still waiting for him to make contact...and waiting. I'm trying hard not to take it personally but I think I ruined any chance with this guy.

High school boy--Just called as I'm typing this updated list. Umm really why??? Last time was bad enough I really NEVER wanted to talk to him again. This will not go well.
Done with:
Blockbuster
Valley (AKA PIG)
Young Guy
High School Boy

I Would Be running Too!!!

2009-12-14T09:27:00.001-06:00

Have you ever had a day were you find yourself wallowing in self despair? I’m trying to pull myself out of it but for some reason here I am sitting in my own little cave with all my weakness and faults being projected back at me. I’ve had my fair share of depression and this isn’t the normal low for me. I still feel somewhat positive I know that I’m feeling down and that it will turn around. But yet all that knowledge didn’t stop the dark thoughts I had this morning driving into work. Nor does staying busy, this is always my first approach at fending off thoughts of self hate and gloom. It’s not working and all I’m left with is exhaustion and a bigger bank account.

So what can be so wrong with my life? Why is an otherwise healthy 24 unhappy too much of the time. Its my perceived weakness, the fact that one day the Ex will be happy with someone else and that I wasn’t good enough for him. Never mind the fact that he isn’t the right one for me that doesn’t matter, think along the lines of “if I can’t have him no one can,” only problem is that he isn’t mine anymore and will never be again, oh yea and that he is a dating whore!

The fact that I’m scared shitless of living on own again. I am looking forward to so much I miss my own company and I miss not having to share a space with my MOTHER! But I’m worried that I will start to oversleep since I won’t have anyone to make sure I’m awake even though I get up on my own. That even now I feel alone and lonely and I’m hardly ever alone, how will I feel once I’m alone all the time? Its one thing to sleep alone but to come home alone and wake to nothing is very very depressing. I’m not sure how I will handle it. I haven’t lived alone in 2 years and then the Ex was over a bunch.

I am also crushed that my first date with Tattoo guy went well (ok maybe it went badly), we had chemistry and laugher. He has since gone silent on me (Read on and you will see why). After our date on Friday he texted me goodnight and tell me I looked pretty and that he wanted to kiss me but that I didn’t seem too in it. I assured him I had a great time and that I don’t kiss on the first date! A lie yes but we were standing in the middle of the IHOP parking lot and I wasn’t feeling it at the time. I did want to be kissed by him though. We haven’t talked too much since. I dunno what’s going on (I’m a bit in denial, no?)

Our date however was really fun and I found myself enjoying his company. He really does have a bunch of tattoos and piercings. I don’t remember much from our chatter other than there was a guy at the bar that looked JUST like Brett Michaels!! I know that I kept saying this over and over and over. I must have said it 2 dozen times over the course of a few hours. I also showed up to our date following happy hour with a girlfriend so I had a head start. Then instead of slowing down I thought I could match his speed…needless to say I got hammered. Ok so I’ve learned from my date from Hampton to make sure and review my notes before the date so not to have any more foot in mouth (FNM) moments. However I totally forgot about getting trashed on a first date. FUCK!!! Ok so I might have been a broken record on the whole Brett Michaels look alike and I might have tripped down some stairs, Tattoo didn’t see this thank God he had his back to me at the time, but I did get a nice round of applause from the crowd. Then we went to IHOP to sober me up some. I hardly ate my food as the world was spinning a little so we talked for over an hour…none of which I recall and then I asked for a to go box, really!! I can see why he isn’t calling…I would be running away too. Which lead me to ask am I purposing destroying my dates?

The whole thing has me debating whether to quit online dating. Maybe I’m just not ready. I mean I’ve had a few bad dates and some good ones that have led no where. And it’s a lot of work and effort to chat with a number of men and keep them all straight. And then there’s the fact that you give away some of you to each one of them. It’s hard. Then after you have invested hours chatting and emailing back in forth you get a mild fondness for the person so you meet them and if the chemistry isn’t flowing it shatters the investment and you’re back at square one. But if the chemistry is there and then they just go silent after then they just weren’t into you. I hate rejection. Getting rejected leads me down the path of thinking that I won’t do better than the Ex, that I’ve topped out and won’t ever find anyone as good as the Ex, that the Ex will get married and have a family before me and that I will never achieve that, that I made a mistake with the Ex and maybe if I weren’t feeling so damn entitled to having all my needs met then maybe we could work. It’s a bitch it’s a tailspin and it has led me to wallow in weakness.

So folks I guess I should just take a pass and step down from dating, at least from now. Apparent I’m not ready.

My first Blog Award

2009-12-12T12:00:00.002-06:00

I win my first award. Given to me by Jill at Life After College.

Here's the award rules:

Copy the award image in you post. Then, list 10 things that make you happy, try to do at least one of them today, and tag 10 bloggers that brighten your day. For those 10 bloggers who get the award, you must link back to my blog! :)

10 things that me happy:

1.Fried egg sandwiches. Its a food I won't make for myself but I love!!

2. The Soup on E!

3. Driving with the windows down on a nice fall day blaring the radio

4. A hug from a child

5. Blogging!!

6. Laughing with a girlfriend

7. Tequilla shots

8. A lazy Saturday staying in and pigging out on junk food and cuddling

9. My kitty's meow and his drooling issues

10. Living in America.

Now for the 10 bloggers that I love and that make me feel all warm inside.

A Survival Guide to Young Adulthood

Lance Bass Ruined My Life

My Masonic Apron

Hyberbole and a Half

Not-So-Eligible Bachelor

Lust for Life: Tales of Sex and Serial Dating

The good Girl gone Blog

TKOG

JD's Man Stories

It's like I'm...mmmagic!

A post full of glee!!

2009-12-09T15:35:00.001-06:00

Today at my day job….the one I have hated for like a month out of sheer boredom. Well today I come to find out that “my team” didn’t know how slow we were and that besides getting in trouble for wasting time online we now have work…are team was clueless about our workload! I’ve been busy all day and I love it.

Today was also free breakfast day at work so I had free fruit and a bagel!!! That was on top of it being the Annual Cookie Exchange, where all my lovely co-workers bake cookies, brownies and desert bars to share!! If you have ever had Peppermint ice cream you know the flavor of the winning cookie!! It was yummy in my tummy.

I was informed today that as of January I will be assigned to a special project in testing our program on a globe scale!! I’m super pumped!! Talk about having some security with a temp assignment.

Tonight I’m filling out my application for my apartment and putting down my deposit! I’m so happy I have been able to get back on my own two feet so quickly. I was unemployed from July to September without being able to collect unemployment since I willing left my job to follow the Ex back to St. Louis! In that short of time I dig a financial sink hole of $1,700 behind on bills. I can proudly say I am current on all my bills and that I can afford to move out.

I also am attending my very first support group meeting tonight. I’m all sorts of nervous and scared I will bail. It’s a support group for suicide survivors and I it has never occurred to me to attend one. Wish me luck!

Also I just got a text from the charming boy I went out with on Sunday. He is light years ahead of the goon from last night. He is right on time since today was day 3 since our date and I was starting to worried that he wasn’t into me. I’m so smiling right now!! And Hampton called me too…what is his deal. He must have a soft spot of clumsy chicks who trip over themselves!! LOL

Oh and to be honest Monday night ended with me and the Ex getting hot and heavy. He finally decided at the 11th hour to be there for me on the hardest day of the year for me and I rewarded him myself with some very kinky sex. I’m sure it was illegally in a few states!! But I got a much needed release!!

Don’t you just love days that start well and just get better????

OMFG He's a NUT!!

2009-12-08T20:56:00.002-06:00

So tonight I had a worst date then I did with Hampton. I'm too good of a sport. I should have gotten up and left. I will not sit through another date like this EVER!!! You have been warned. What you are about to read is 100% true. I survied mean you but I truely think it was pure luck! Please grab some popcorn and a soda...its kinda long.

So I've been chatting with yet another guy online thru Okcupid. He looks normal comes across normal in our biefs chats. I agree to meet up with him for happy hour.

Let me tell you where I stand on dates. I am up for trying anything. I joined two dating sites to explore what I can't come across on my own. I want to see what is out there I want to have fun and go home with some stories. I still however hope to date only sane and normal men. Tonight was not too normal. This guy was either just being his self or was purposly trying to run me off.

First off he was a sweet southern boy charm that wins me over...on the phone at least...and only until he starts talking non stop about fire pits and hoosers. He is from a southern part of the Metro, a part well known for its rednecks and drug users.

He is a truck driving, high school grad who currently works in a bakery. He lives at home having never moved out. He has a LOT of pets and is obessed with his fire pit, he had photos on his phone and talked about it for about 10 mins.

He mentioned his mother and sister like 7 times. He neve asked me about my family. In fact he didn't really ask me anything expect why I was single. He admitted that his father is in jail for double murder...props for being up front and honest but really is that first date convo? I am rightly freaked out!

Its one thing to have family in the big house it is quite another to have a close family memeber with such a crime on their record.

He seemed shocked that I was single and asked very deep questions for a first date. He did make me laugh and he tried the stuffed Mushrooms with me...we both hated them!! He drink wine and talked about muscials. He seems to know his stuff and the convo didn't stall but I don' t think he will be getting a second date.

At least he was honest, funny and picked up the check!

Roll Call Please!!!

2009-12-08T15:12:00.001-06:00

Roll Call Please!!

I’m doing this both for my own sanity as for my few followers. So let’s begin.

The Ex—is the ex duh! We dated for 5 years lived together for 1.5 years and we broke up in August. However we still are really close. We still hook up and are kinda dating. We have a cat together and I work with his mom.

Blockbuster—my rebound from the Ex. We have a wind whirl romance that lasted for 3 weeks…it crashed and burned and he is back with his GF. We had lots of great sex and I pretty much his shadow.

Valley (AKA PIG)—my first encounter with online dating. Lied about having VIP access to an after-party. Once I stood firm on driving myself to our date he disappeared.

Hampton—Posted an ad on Craigslist, 27 lives by Ex’s brother. Blind and a drummer in a band. Chatted with him for 2-3 weeks before first face to face date.

High School Boy—my ex bf from high school hang out with him for a short two weeks. Very much a twilight episode. Let’s just sweep that one under the rug and never mention it again.

Uber Nerd—a nice guy I went to college with. LOVES obsessed with chicken and fries. Has a lisp and plays live action role playing games.

Young Guy—a young country stud that was convenient for a night.

Balloon Hottie—an older man that lives really close to me. Stage one Clinger! Dumped via text message yesterday as I enjoyed happy hour. Had tendencies towards angry and jealously lack any sexual interest.

Zoo—from POF has great potential and is the right amount of contact. Fun to be with.

Tattoo—a guy from Okcupid has 20 tattoo and a Mohawk great on the phone plans for first date this Friday. First impression he is an artsy person (not something I really dig) he works as a pizza delivery driver and keeps putting off school. Seems fun enough but no long term possibilities.

Wine and the Zoo

2009-12-08T14:26:00.000-06:00

Sunday I went out on my first Plentyoffish.com date. I contact this guy based on his photo. He was drinking at the zoo! How fun is that? I had gone to a similar event in my old town with the Ex and it was a lot of fun so I had a great opener! He replied back and asked me out. That’s how easy it was. We set the date last week I think on Thursday, mind you I set up my account on Wednesday! We didn’t talk too much between setting the date on Thursday and finalizing things on Sunday. I really like that! He wasn’t breathing down my neck he wasn’t all rush rush tell me everything like a lot of the guys on POF. He is a year older than me, taller and has brown hair. He is also a bigger man not fat but not skinny. Pretty much my type also the opposite of my Ex. He suggested dinner in a trendy part of town and then going to the Zoo for their Xmas light display.

It was his second choice cause his first was coming out my part of town and doing something close to my place so I felt comfortable and safe. I told him I was more courageous than that and we could go into the city. Still he was already charming and winning points. I was excited that he suggested something original and seasonally themed.

We met up for dinner but the place we had planned to go is closed on Sundays so we changed restaurants at the last moment. It was a great decision; this little Italian Bistro was lively. Candlelight and wine with soft Jazz music, and fresh flowers on the tables. It wasn’t crowed and had a great selection of food and wine! We both ordered a glass of red wine. Skipped the salads and soups and both ordered specials. He had something with Veal and I tried the lobster Ravioli, even though I had never had lobster and I’ve been told to never order lobster on a first date. I was feeling daring and bold. OMG the food was fantastic the wine was perfect. And the conversation didn’t lag. There were no side glances no second thoughts of doubt in my head. I was there up front and present the whole date. I laughed I flirted I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

It was the standard conversation but the fact that I can remember it is what wows me. We had a lot in common. He is in the same life situation as me. Early 20’s figuring out what he stands for, what he wants, recovering from the blow from the economy and just venturing into the world of online dating. I was his first! He talked about real issues and didn’t stare at my chest didn’t even bring up my chest size!

But I think the thing that captured me the most was at the zoo with the Xmas songs playing he sang along and didn’t make fun of me singing along too! It was fun. We talked a little about everything with ease. I didn’t put my foot in my mouth once. When it was time to go we hugged and parted ways. He sent me a random text yesterday that just said smile ;) it totally put a big grin on my face!

Way better than my date on Friday!!!

Pardon me while I remove my foot from my mouth!

2009-12-08T13:59:00.002-06:00

So my weekend was by far one of the busiest I’ve had in a while. Friday night I have a date with Hampton (FINALLY!!!), worked 8.5 at the good ol’ 2nd job (Yea $$$), and worked some on Sunday before my date with Zoo guy from my online dating profile.

Friday after work I head to the Ex’s to prepare for my date with Hampton. The Ex was there and was also going out that night with some chick. We totally made out before I left for my date!! Kinda weird but that’s us. Another odd thing about Hampton is he lives 2 streets behind the Ex’s brother. And they both hang out at the same bar! So freaking odd how small my big city is! So I knew where Hampton lived…landmarks and all…this is important because Hampton is legally blind and can’t drive so I had to pick him up.

We have been talking now for 3 weeks but this was the first time meeting up. We are friends on FB so we know what to expect from each other. I feel ok hanging out with him and we get along great on the phone. I enjoy his company and was excited about the date. But I was understandably nervous since I had replied to his Craigslist ad.

We decide to go to a charming bar close by. This place has glazed the best of lists for a while and was small and a bit funky. A great first place! We were seated in a large booth for 6 for just the two of us so we only stayed for a drink. On the ride over I had asked a FNM questions out of nervousness a question I already knew the answer too that I’m still clueless why I even asked. I asked him what his first car was!! OMFG he has never been able to drive and I knew that!! Damn nerves!!

So after the first bar and some uncomfortable silences and awkward glances we went to another bar on the South side. He had also been there before and it was my first time. Now its not very often I fall in love with something on first glance but this bar is my prince! I love this bar it has such character and charm. It’s been around since 1933 and serves some of the best Bloody Mary’s in the city, or so I’m told. I stick with craft beer, yummy!!! But still me and Hampton aren’t clicking, we are so far removed from each other I’m losing focus on the date I’m getting bored and planning my escape. But I was tipsy and we were still talking, I have no clue what we were talking about. I remember nothing specific that we touched on. I know I had another larger foot in mouth question. Only this time he looked deeply hurt that I even went there. I felt so damn foolish that I spilled my drink on me to recover! You know it’s bad when spilling a drink is a recovery move!! There was a band setting up to play and so I turn to my date, a guy I know is in a band he plays the drums! I asked him if he enjoyed live music, and he was all like awkward long pause “umm I play in a band so duh!” then I spilled my drink to avoid saying I hate live music and for forgetting! It was awful so I had to share it with all my friends, I posted it to my FB page cause really it was kinda funny.

So then I try regaining my lost points by talking to the bartender about his ties, no idea why I thought that would help but I was tipsy and Hampton wasn’t flirting with me and I really wanted to flirt! Clue cute, tall, blond, well dressed bartender!! I have to go back to this bar for him. He is such a hottie and he thought it was funny that I was hitting on him when I was on a date. Bartender was the highpoint of the night. He started to pour me a second drink as I was getting up to use the restroom and I told to hang onto until I got back…he said he would be timing me and held my beer the whole time I was gone.

Shortly after returning Hampton and I left the bar and went back to his place, remember I drove us. Well I needed to sober up as I was a little wobble…we had about 3 drinks apiece and no food…so it wasn’t at all bad but I had an hour drive home. I remember I just wanted out…there was no chemistry and since I don’t recall any of our conversation I can bet it was dull. We were only out for 2.5 hours. I ended up talking with Tattoo guy on my way back home. (More on him later) Of course it’s like 10 or so, so I made plans to meet with my mom and an Aunt at a local bar. I ended up staying out until 2 partying it up.

Oh how the hell did I forget this!!! As Hampton and I are saying goodbye we hug. Then for no reason no reason at all I told him that he sounded pretty white over the phone, first off how do you sound white and second he is Asian!! I swear I have no idea what is wrong with me!! So I figured I had fucked this date up pretty well and that he would be crazy to call me again. I mean I fucked up twice and then I was just rude. But no he has called and contacted me via FB since! I have no idea why I’m pretty I wouldn’t call me again if I were him. Now I have no idea what to say as I’m still embarrassed by all my FNM moments. Ugh I don’t want to play the lets be friends card! Seriously why is he even still interested I went down in flames on our date!

Weekend Plans

2009-12-04T15:58:00.002-06:00

This is gearing up to be a very interesting weekend. I have a date with Hampton tonight. Not sure what we are going to do but I will be driving! I hope it goes well!! I’m getting ready at the Ex’s so at least it will be an interesting start.

Tomorrow I’m working an 8 hour shift at the 2nd job. Then tomorrow night I’m either going out with a girlfriend to see Hampton’s band open for a signed band!! How cool is it that Hampton plays the drums for a band and that band is opening for a marginally major band? Going depends on how tonight goes! I also have to the chance to go to a dueling piano bar with my momma and her friends. This could be fun and she is all over my back to go to this place with her. She’s only been asking since September!

The thing is I had kinda made plans with Balloon Guy to hang out and have a relaxing evening…made Monday confirmed on Wednesday…both before he worked himself off my list. Now I just want to move on and get away from him. Why the sudden change of heart. How did I go from bubbling over in excitement to complete dread? Well Tuesday me and a GF went to watch him play darts and drink. I proceeded to drink a bit much and he started to show his jealous side. I knew him a week! He was acting like I was all his! But yet he wouldn’t flirt in public…barely touched me at all! But yet as soon as we’re alone he is all about it. Oh no, you don’t! If you can’t flirt with me in public then you aren’t getting any play in the bedroom. Even tipsy he annoys me. He is insecure and quick tempered. First I thought it was just growing pains, typical when getting used to someone’s tone and joking style. But that was on Tuesday when he was still on my good list.

Wednesday he was barely hanging on. We had a small disagreement Tuesday at the bar and he snipped at me. I don’t do tempers. I can’t handle an angry man. The Ex only got angry twice when we were together and I was scared both times. I cringe when a man raises their voice in angry. It is a deal breaker for me. But still I decide to swing by and get him Wednesday on my way home and try to get a back rub out of him and see if maybe Tuesday was all in my head.

First off for all the guys at there…a back rub usually means just a back rub. If I tell you before going home with you that it is just a back rub and that you are not getting any that night take it at face value!! However if a girl is trying to be demure and asks for a backrub she will wiggle around and moan letting you know that she is only using the backrub as an excuse to get some. I fall into the first part, I am blunt and horny enough I am clear whether I am going to give it up or not. I just wanted a backrub and I told him so! So when he started to moving into sexual touching I told him that it wasn’t going to happen. This was the second time. Well he flipped a lid! He said I was a tease and that it wasn’t fair to set things up and then chicken out. WTF excuse me??? Are you fucking kidding me?? I didn’t lead you on I was up front and told you before accepting the back rub that it wasn’t going to end up in bed. I’ve know you a week!! And its not the first time he has tried pushing things along. He says he isn’t in it just for the sex (which has never happened) but then all our convo lead straight to sex and he keeps asking for it. I keep turning him down.

I can honestly say he is the first guy I have no urge to sleep with. Granted I haven’t slept around in a while. Since the break up it’s only been the Ex and Blockbuster and that one blurry night that I had with the high school boyfriend (still not 100% on if it happened or not but that’s not here or there!) I know that if we hang out tomorrow I’m putting myself at risk. He is all pressure, jealousness and temper and I’m all about not screwing him so it will be me fighting him off all night. So I have to break up with cause he thinks we are dating!!! Newsflash…we have known each other a week you fucking psycho! I normally wouldn’t give a shit but this dude has already shown he is off his rocker and he lives 3 blocks from me!! So I have to find a way to dump a guy I’ve seen 4 times, easy enough right?

Then Sunday I have my first date from my dating profile on POF. I set up my profile on Wednesday on both POF and OKcupid. The response has been a bit overwhelming. Okcupid is slow and kinda cold. But it has IM so it can fun but over all its kinda hard to use. Plentyoffish.com (POF) is a lot better. However it isn’t that user friendly using the inbox. That is it reminds me of last call at a busy bar. Lots of guys just saying hey hottie and asking how I am. I have even found some friends from college that I haven’t thought of in years! But the weirdest thing so far is that one of my matches is my Ex’s best friend! I didn’t realize it when I saw his profile picture and so I click on it think oh he’s cute! Oh how funny!

The guy I’m going out with on Sunday is 25 employed and likes some of the same things. I chatted him up first but he replied with a detailed email that asked open ended questions and had a charming feel. We are doing dinner in a trendy part of town and then going to the Zoo for a X-Mas light display! It’s original and has potential to be romantic! I’m thrilled!

I am also chatting with a few other guys

Tattoo-26, nice, lives close to me, total mamma’s boy, lots of tattoos and piercings. Hasn’t mentioned my boobs at all!! Asks deeper questions than just the normal.

Jim- Meeting up with him for drinks on Tuesday. 24? Sports fan cute.

Devin- sweet cute and all round American boy. I could see myself falling for him.

So my social calendar is going to be full for a while!! Who knew dating could be so fun! I just pray I keep them all straight!

Dates a go go!!!

2009-12-02T16:46:00.001-06:00

Who knew dating could be fun. I thought it was suppose to be some really boring thing. I find juggling guys fun. I’m getting better at to! Just call me a little player!!

I have my first date with Hampton on Friday. So that will stop dragging out…is there or isn’t there something there. I don’t want to waste my time with him anymore. I know great attitude right? Oh well I feel I need to meet him in person and see if there is anything and I’ll be going to his show…did I mention he plays drums in a band? Also I won’t mind fooling around with him based completely on the fact that he is Asian and the Ex has only had an Asian thing but has yet to sleep with one. This is fair game since he went black before me!! So not fair. If only my hot crush on the black bouncer at my regular bar wasn’t married I would have already hit that!

Is it horrible that the Ex and I trade sex stories??? I think it’s awesome!! But speaking of the Ex I have had some very odd thoughts about him today. Not like regrets but more like if this new guy thinks I’m awesome and that I’m the total package then why didn’t he? What was missing? You know that saying for every hot woman there is a man that’s sick of her shit? Well I speculate what my “shit” is?? What awful things did I put him through??? Kinda weird to think of yourself from that view but knowing the way the Ex and I are I will likely get the answers if I get the balls to ask him. That is the best part of being friendly with the Ex that and wild Kinky sex that you just can’t have while in a relationship!

So last night I had another date with Balloon man. He plays darts at the bar we met at. So I asked a girlfriend to join me and I went to the bar to watch/support his dart game. Plus there was free food!! This bar is your normal small town hole in the wall place. Everyone is a regular and if your not you get gawked at like you just landed. Also its an older crowd so at 24 I’m of course the youngest one there. I totally felt that I was a child. That lasted while the older hags were judging me then they saw I knew the bartender and Owner!! Then the bitches backed off but it was tense!

It was a good night largely in part to the abundance of alcohol. I got free drinks from the owner and ended up having 5 shots and at least 4 maybe 6 beers but only have a $16tab!!! It was freaking awesome! Ok so I tend to drink a lot but its kinda in check. But Balloon man missed several hints to kiss me. He also doesn’t get that I laugh all the time and that doesn’t mean I’m laughing at him. At one point he said something that I took badly whether it was in fact bad is a blur but I know that shit got heated and we might have raised our voices to each other. I know I got pissed off I have misunderstandings. But that’s part of getting to know someone, learning when their kidding and when they are being real. I don’t know his tones for shit so what he says is a joke after I’m mad makes me question whether it is in a joke or if he is covering because it upset me. I did learn that he has a short temper. I am not used to a temper at all. My Ex held all that shit in. In fact I think I only saw the Ex mad twice in 5 years. I don’t do well with men and angry be it for a game or anything it seriously makes me cringe.

So I was also flirting with a bar fly that I hit on the night I was there with the rents and had the semi-drunken hookup. Once Balloon man saw that I was chatting with another dude he was at my side in an instantly. He puffed out his chest and just stood before me and the bar fly. It as kinda cute to see but then I was drunk I would stand for that shit sober. I was just talking I wasn’t even touching the other dude. Plus Balloon Man has no rights to claim me. We have only known each other a week and I’m still on the fence about him. I haven’t even made up my mind about if I will sleep with him.

That is the weirdest thing. I normally can’t wait to jump in the sack. Granted Balloon man has worked himself under my skin in a semi-good way there is still a lot of unknowns. Plus I know I am very easy convinced by men. The compliments and flirting go straight to my head. Yes I have self esteem and I think of myself as pretty. Its just all the new attention goes straight to my vag and the panties drop. I’m working on this!!

Also today since working is mind numbing slow I created two online dating profiles. I have since had over 15 emails between the two sites. Most are random guys just saying Hi and asking how I’m doing, very original stuff! Some have promise. One the second site I was recommended as a match with my Ex’s best friend! It was too funny so I email him and complimented his photos. We’ll see how it goes. I have a lot of fun ahead of me.

Confessions

2009-12-01T16:39:00.002-06:00

So the tend has hit and I will faithly follow.

I sneeze in 3s and I hate when people bless me all 3 times. Once is quite enough thank you.

I got up at 3 am on Black Friday not for the sales but to spend the time with family. I love spending time with my family...might be cause its so rare.

I'm scared to be alone with adult males in my family. No reason I'm just afraid of it.

I feel like Obama is letting us as a country down.

I'm very surprised that Obama has aged so much. I thought that being half black would save him from that.

I still picture having my Ex's children even though I don't want to get back together.

I had an Aunt die of AIDS and I truly believe its because of my fathers suicide that caused her to led such a life.

I think it is really rude to stop talking about loved ones once they die. This was the first Thanksgiving with my Grandma and no one mentioned her.

I'm fearful of never achieving my "Working Girl" dream.

I like getting junk emails on Myspace from loser men. It always puts a smile on my face.

I only have a BM every 3 days and then only during a limited window of time. On day 4 I'm a total bitch.

I come across negative but I believe I'm am happy and positive I just happen to be a realist.

I really enjoy Explicit Rap songs. I even chair dance to them at work!

I hate the Beatles...until I saw Across the Universe.

I have never seen any Star Wars or Star Track movies or shows!!!

Job, Jobs, and Jobs,

2009-11-30T12:27:00.002-06:00

So I survived my first Holiday weekend in retail. I also managed to work 17 hours over the weekend and find time for dates! Today however I'm paying the price! I'm so tired and dizzy and ill. My head is rolling and I feel sick to my tummy. Last night I was so sore from all the bending, standing etc at work that I popped a pain pill but it only made me sick and dizzy. I had to go to bed at 7:30 just to keep from throwing up. This morning I feel the same. Yet I can't afford a third day without pay from my day job. Each day is $115 and since I'm a temp I didn't get paid for Thanksgiving or Black Friday. Hence the need to kick my ass working the second job. I was totally game for it until I did the math and realized that I barely made enough to make up for the one day missing from the day job!

But I love the second job so much more than my day job. I think knowing that the day job isn't leading anywhere. Its not going to make the damnest bit of difference on anything. It's very boring and it totally kills my high hopes for my field. As its the only job I've had in the same field as my degree I've taken this the hardest. I was really looking forward to working in my chosen field and succeeding like Melanie Griffin in "Working Girl" but of course those innocent dreams have be smashed I will never have a cushy office job where I succeed despite (because of) my background I just have to accept that. Most girls look to Disney movies for their dreams I looked to Working Girl it was a blueprint for what I wanted. Now however I'm sad I hate the work I do. I dislike sitting in a cube all day I hate data entry I hate not having the chance to prove that I can do more than data entry I hate that my effort and success in my current role will get me no where and will have no impact in future dealing. I need to move on I need to find a well paying job that I enjoy and where I have a chance to get promoted or something.

But with the second job I have interaction all day I get to talk and get back feedback right away with how well I'm doing. I enjoy pleasing customers and it makes ME Happy when they are surprised that I ring them out quickly or went above the normal service. I have yet only had 2 customers that I didn't like. I worked my tail off this weekend and I was still happy to be there I was still looking forward to going back. Isn't that telling?? However due to the dizziness I had to call of tonight there is no way I could bend and stand and not barf on the customers. I think maybe I have an ear infection? Maybe that's what's wrong but I will give myself major points for lasting until 5 at my day job. Its so hard sitting here and trying to be happy and work focused when its a total dead end.

On the bright side I did get a call from another temp agency and they have a good position opening up with a company that pays the same as I make now and that is temp to hire after 6 months! The whole process won't start until the new year so the job would start in Feb or March only a few months shy of my current assignment ending. Its nice to think I could have something permanent in this job market. I was truly giving up!

The downside is that if I walk away from HR now after getting me feet wet I know I will be walking away forever. I will miss the slim chance I have to take what I've learned in my current position to something bigger and better. Plus its way north of the cheap place I'm hoping to move into in Jan. Now I'm not sure if I should still fill out the application and all. It would sucks to get a job way north and live far south the commute would kill me.

Also Balloon Man is growing on me. Maybe I'm just hard on man I know my bar is high thanks to the Ex. If it weren't ballooning and baseball it would just be something else . I am glad he has interest and that he has a full life...good things. I will try to be nicer. He is totally growing on me and I smile when I hear from him. We're meeting up on Tuesday when he plays darts. Maybe I'll invite the friend I embarrassed myself in front of last weekend.

Now its back to work for me!

Booty Shaking

2009-11-28T20:04:00.002-06:00

Had a crazy night with the EX. We had plans to cuddle after my long night at my 2nd job but of course we ended up doing it and doing it again. It was so much more intense then what we did when we were a couple so it felt so new and exciting!

I had just planned on having a simple sleep over but once his body blended into mine I was a goner. It was so nice and overdue being touched/caressed by a man. And the fact that he knew what buttons to push win him points.

I can honestly say that then and now I have no regrets about it. It was good and just the release I needed. Granted it was unexpected and way kinkier than we normal did things...but I think that helped.

Update on Hampton...we haven't talked since Wednesday and right now (drunk following a date with Balloon Man) I'm not sure there is anything to talk about. I'm not sure I should make the effort to meet him. I was talking with a girlfriend of mine & she made a lot of sense when she said it would be easier to walk away now then after I met him. You see I have major issues turning down soft cases. Maybe I should heed her advice.

Update on Balloon Man...He is a total clinger! We went out and had a good time Wednesday and then I told him not to call me until Friday because of the holiday but of course he called on Thanksgiving. This pissed me off for a number of reason: 1. He called when told not to 2. left VM saying "Its me" (yea cause he is the only guy I'm chatting with, NOT) 3. asked again if I was free that night which I told him I was going out of town. Then he called and texted me on Friday, and today.

We went out tonight! We had a good time....an alright time. He actually kinda bores me with all of his talk about Baseball and his hobby/Job! We went to dinner and a movie then a bar...his bar. He won't drive after even One beer so I drive us to his place and then had him walk me home (We live only 3 blocks away from each other.) this in its self...kinda fun but he is already telling the same stories and we don't seem to have much in common. He also losing points for not mentioning I looked good. Or for noticing that my was straight and not curly! But he is one for remembering facts so I guess he's even.

Regradless he is still older 37 and semi boring. I think the sex would be good and he is nice to look at and he pays for our tab. He is a nice guy but he bores me and I can't really get over the fact that as successful as he may be he doesn't have his high school degree. That should really be a non issue but its not.

I think I will still go see him on Tuesday. Who knows??

Balloon hottie

2009-11-25T13:08:00.000-06:00

I am quite hung over today but still completely giddy. I met a man last night. I say man because well he is, he is 37. Not like a wrinkly 37 or anything but still he is only 4 years younger than my mother and a whole 12 years older than me. I have never dated a man older than 5 years my senior. Other than the fact that he started his business while I was still in Junior high there didn’t seem to be a age gap.

Yesterday I worked both jobs and so I was tired and sore. I was also dreading going straight home and going to bed just to get up and work them both today. I needed to have some social time to recharge. So I went back to the same bar I went to on Saturday and was planning on having one beer. I had enough cash for only one beer. It was already midnight when I got there so I figured I’d slam my beer and go home and fall asleep with the nice aid of alcohol. I have yet to accept that my plans always fail. I didn’t go home and fall asleep until after 3! The fact that I have a short day at Job 1 allowed me to justify staying out and chatting up this man. Plus we were totally clicking.

So I had my one beer and just sat at the bar. There was a group at the end of the bar and the workers but the place was dead. This bar is great its small almost smoke free and beer is cheap. Plus its close to home and the staff is super sweet. That’s how I got my 2nd beer it was bought for me by the bartender. This was when I started chatting with the group. It was nice to just be joking and sharing a beer. That’s when the man approached. He is buddies with the bartender and the rest of the people there. So I got to hear some back story and good ripping on him right away.

We just started talking about what I’m not sure but we learned we lived in the same neighbor…not that crazy as we were 1,444 (not the right number but it was totally under 2,000 and he was serious!) steps away from his home. He says he has counted since he walks to the bar and rides home with the bartender who happens to live a block away from me also. Damn small towns.

So I’m tipsy and having a blast flirting with this guy. He is taller than me broad shoulders blond with strong face structure. He has a big nose, which I love. Noses and shoulders are the two biggest turns on for me. He totally took over the convo and had such an ease about him that I found comforting. He was eager and spoke well. He spoke of his businesses as he owns two. I talked about my jobs and we flowed back and forth for a very quick hour.

Then I took him home. I went in. Shocked??? Yea I was surprised that I wasn’t getting nervous or having doubts being alone with him no fear no worries. So what is the difference between not letting Hampton drive me and having control and going to a strangers place?? I honestly have no clue they are both risky and stupid. But I felt safe and so I went with it.

His place is something else! No at all what I expected but then he has his shit together and it shows. He actually had a clothes hamper that he used and the carpet showed vacuum marks. There was no weird smells, no odd décor and he was worried about his bathroom sink being dirty! He has two big dogs but there wasn’t any pet hair or smell in his place. Then there is the theme of his place. He is a huge baseball fan. Every inch of free space is adorned in baseball paraphernalia including his ceilings! Granted it was tidy and all just a tad overwhelming.

His own house is a little boy’s wildest dream. It might also help explain how he is good looking, successful and witty but still single. That is that fact of what he does.

I stayed for an hour and half. Had some great first convo and banter. Then there was the first kiss. It was a great kiss. It wasn’t sloppy and had the perfect amount of tongue. Since I find kissing to be really awkward I tend to hate kissing new people. I also seem to get soaked or something. My kissing ability is one of my biggest insecurities. And the biggest plus was there was no internal monologue, none, zip!!

We stopped at kissing both of us a little winded and cloudy. I was leaving when I got my head back on my shoulders and had to find my keys. Talk about a great make out session.

We have plans to hang out tonight after I get off the second job. I just hope the chemistry is still there and wasn’t all in the bottle. That and that I can stay awake!!

I’m off an hour and I’m heading over to the Ex’s for a long nap before the second job. Being hung over and working double isn’t the best way to ready for a hot date. And I get to cuddle!!! Bring it on!

Parallel Parking and Hampton

2009-11-24T08:25:00.000-06:00

So this guy Hampton. He's 27 nice and well spoken. I find him on Craigslist, no joke. We haven't met in person and I still doubt whether I have time for a new fling. We have tried to make plans to meet up twice now and they keep getting delayed. Like Sunday we were going to see a movie but thanks to my late and crazy Saturday I was in no mood to go anywhere but back to bed.

See folks I find out Saturday when making plans for Sunday's movie that Hampton doesn't drive. Correction he can't drive, he is legally blind. Now before you get all on my case. I'm not having second thoughts directly because of the blindness (he can still see just not at the legal requirement to drive) but because that would mean I would have to drive us everywhere. I would use all my gas; I would be the one stick in traffic driving the hour that separates us. Yes we live in the same city’s metro area but in total different extremely of the Metro area. This would be a lot a work for a new guy. Plus if we did go out into the city I don’t parallel park it frightens me. Who knew that parallel parking would continue to haunt me after the damn driving test!

Ugh why is dating so hard? I see young married couples all the time and I’m starting to wonder how they have it and I don’t. Granted I’m not ready for marriage as I’m still discovering who I am but I was on the path and now that I’m a detour I wonder when and if I will find the one. The Ex will always be “the one that got away” he will also be the one that future men will have to measure up to. But now that I’m not in school or working with a bunch of guys its hard to meet the good guys. It’s hard to meet an honest, smart and caring gentleman who wants to sweep me off me feet. I know I’m not alone in this hunt. I know because there are a million blogs just like mine. There are millions of women feeling alone and waiting for their prince charming.

Well I say fuck it. I’m not waiting. I’m not going to passively sit back. I’m not going to go clubbing hopping the asshole grinding me all night will one day be the man I need. I don’t intend on having random hookups (Hey I mean full on nookie but just making out and fooling around, 2nd base is totally fine!) to find love cause I know it won’t work. I know that I will be happier if I showed the self control required for all of this. But hey it’s been two weeks without sex and I’m still kicking, maybe I’m bit crankier but I’m still surviving.

Now will all that women empowerment shit out in the open I will most likely fall out that wagon a few times in my quest. I’m ok with that. I have my goal and I’m working enough now that I don’t have a lot of free time. This is good for a number of reasons. I tend to cling to guys hard. I’ve notice that this is lessening as with Blockbuster guy I could have been his shadow. But now I can stand on my own more comfortably I do in fact cling less. Plus working all the time I’m too tired to be lonely long enough to even think about finding a bed partner let alone finding one with any success.

So I think I will keep talking to Hampton for now and see where it leads but I’m pretty sure he is just another experience to have. I’ll keep you posted.

You want Crazy I've got your Crazy

2009-11-23T11:34:00.002-06:00

This weekend goes down in the record books. First there was the pig from online. Please see last post for more details.

So Friday was already crazy enough and I'm so glad it happened. I'm glad that the Ex and I had a good time together. I'm happy that we can do stuff like that and it not linger around awkwardly in the morning. But for as off the cuff Friday was Saturday was outlandish.

My plans for Saturday included meeting up with a friend from College and catching up. I didn’t expect it to be anything more than friends meeting and catching up. However the guy did. He even referred to it as a date and tried several times to make a second date. He is a sweetheart but I have zero interest in him. He did touch me at some point during the “date” and I recoiled. I need to find a nice way to break the news to him. Let me discuss why I will not be moving forward with this guy. I’ll be frank and it will be rude just so you know.

The most annoying thing was that he talked about food the whole date. We were at a public garden we walked around for almost 2.5 hrs. He mentioned his favorite food at least a dozen times…I kid you not. I now know where the best place in my area to go for them, where to avoid, a place that doesn’t serve them and what sauces go best with it. His favorite food is chicken strips and fries!! Really!!! I don’t even like chicken strips I prefer fake chicken nuggets, Yummy!!

He plays live action war games. Like D&D but live in person. Think of the game the kid plays in “Role Models” and you get the idea. I can respect having a hobby and I enjoy people that have them but I don’t need the deepest knowledge of a game I have no interest in. Not only did I learn a lot I also saw his weapons, his shield and other equipment needed for this game. It was a bit much.

He is very straight edge. He doesn’t drink soda, coffee or alcohol. He is a super nerd in such a sweet way. I however am not so straight edge. I have trouble relating to straight edge ways.

He kept talking about money and how cheap/expensive things were. When asked where I wanted to grab lunch he suggested the most economically places that wasn’t fast food. We spilt the bill and he complained about the service. He ate his second favorite food…French toast and bacon.

He has a total bowl cut, wear a shirt that was for his live action group, and he is a bit shorter than me. He would be cute if he did something with his awful hair.

He drives an old lady forester that had board games at the ready for when he needed them. He was listening to MPRX loudly and had a box of tissues in the backseat.

So why did I go out with him? I really thought it was friends only but I was wrong. He is super nice and I like him as a person. I have trouble saying no and hurting his feelings. And he suggested something that I’ve been wanting to do for awhile and we got in free. I did have a good time and we talked the whole time. But I have no interest in moving forward with him or hurting him.

I also had a date planned with my old BF from high school. We have since decided not to speak to each other. I will spear you the details but I will say I will never ever walk down memory lane with any BF again. It ended up awful and I’m glad I played this one close to heart unlike I usually do.

So I ended up at home alone Saturday night feeling paranoid and slightly messed up. Ok I was really messed up so I called a GF of mine. This also crushed and burned in my face. I will take the time to say I was in the wrong and that I am extremely embarrassed that I was the way I was. I take the blame and will have to find a way to get pass it and reconnect with her. I will give this some time as I’m so embarrassed.

So what does one do when they have crashed and burned several times in one night? Go to bed? Stay in and blog? Watch the movie that was rented? Go out and drink more??? Yes I should have just gone to bed. I should have played it safe and left everyone else out of it. But no I’m not a smart person and I enjoy polluting myself. So I went out. Early I had driven my mom’s BF and a young hottie up to the bar. They were planning on getting a cab home. Granted they started drinking at noon on Saturday they were still kicking it at 6 and planned on closing down the bar. My mom, her BF and her best friend and her BF and then young guy were all there when I meet up with them again at 11.

I know that the young guy is hot and single. So I allow him to buy my drinks for the night. We already know we are going back to the same place. He thinks he is hot and that by being drunk and buying me drinks that we will be banging later. I know that I will let him buy me drinks and keep me company I however have no intention on going all the way with him. Making out and petting is on the table though. So its notice by my momma and her friend and they kept saying we are C-blocking this and they kept injecting themselves into our evening. We danced drink and ended up getting hammered. When closing came we drove to my mom’s friends house who has a hot tub. I refused to get in. Yes everyone kept their underwear on but still this is my mother and all. So I take the young guy (who is the same age as me and who by now is totally wasted and can barely walk let alone have a convo) and we go inside and make out. We kept drinking until 3 am and when everyone went to bed we stay up for a while.

As things heated up I started to sober up. Not to the point where it made a difference but to the point where I was aware that we were making out very badly and that he just wasn’t doing it for me. I was no longer aching for his company and just wanted to sleep. Thankful he fall off the couch and got hurt! So I didn’t have to reject him I didn’t have to face him maybe getting angry or anything. It was pretty clear that the moment was over and he stayed on the floor and we went to bed.

In the morning we all went home and he stayed until 4. He is a very uneducated country boy. We have nothing in common and he can’t carry a convo. But he did provide a void the night before. But now that I know what he brings to the table I will not being calling him again. Also he dated my mom’s BF’s daughter for 3 years!! That’s a bit close for comfort.

So folks did anyone have a crazier weekend??

Pig from Online

2009-11-21T11:14:00.004-06:00

So Last night I had plans with the Valley guy (Lets now call him the Pig!) we were going to go see Shwayze, LMAFO and Space Cowboys. We had our meet up on Wednesday which I thought went well. And there was the 300 text messages shared between last Saturday and Thursday but something went wrong!

On Wednesday he asked not once but thrice if I would go back to his place to watch a movie. Like sure I'm a dummy and will go home with a total stranger...are you kidding me!?! I even told told that, I didn't trust him with my drink so what would be ok and safe about going to his place? But still the night wasn't horrible and we talked on Thursday through the day.

Come Friday the day of the show he sends me a text at 11:23 asking what time we are meeting up and if he can pick me up. I had already told him I would meet him at the show and that I was going to drive myself. I don't ride with strangers (or really any guys that I have meet once! Call me crazy) and guess what????? No response!!! Its been a whole day and he just stopped talking to me. We were both online yesterday evening, around 5 and he didn't even IM me. No email no call no text. Just SILENCE! Well after 300 texts I can only assume he just wanted to get me into a situation where he had some control over me. Why else get mad for me being safe. So I have now deleted him from my phone, email and social sites. What a fucking creeper!

But I still wanted to go to the show...had been looking forward to it for a week and gave away a shift at work to attend. So I called the Ex since he is the one that introduced me to Shwayze and he said that he would go with me. So I had a date with the Ex!!! It was a great Night!!

We met at a bar had some beer and a shot of Tequilla (I just started doing tequilla shots in Sept. when I turned 24 and I love it!!!) we chatted and headed out to the show. Of course I'm not very hip or into fashion but I was really surprised that the audience for the bands were a bunch of 16-21 year olds. And the show was SOLD OUT!! Of course I felt totally bummed and felt very old and out of touch. The Ex and I were not even close to fitting in.

So we were already flirting and holding hands and stealing steamy looks at one another since the bar. We really were clicking and the girls were looking good. S we ended up walking the loop. Holding hands and stopping often to make out. We ended up getting hummus and smoking a hookah outside for a few hours. We had real conversation and we both showed empathy for each other. It was really nice and needed. He knows so much of my past and we helped form the people we are today. We talked about our relationships pitfalls and about our dating adventures with new people. We talked more last night than we probraly did during our last 6 months. Its nice being able to disucss our relationship with honestly without fear of being this or that.

We headed to another bar in hopes of playing pool and drinking but we were both tired but not ready for the night to end. Strangely enough we talked some more and left early. Once we got back to my car we got into the backseat and made out some more. It was very high school. It was also very hot! We didn't do anything that we shouldn't i.e. Sex but I can say I enjoyed making out with him and it felt nice.

I am not hoping for more. We both know what last night was and we knew it before going out. No lines were crossed and no fanasties were had. I truely enjoyed my date with my Ex and then I went home alone and woke up alone. For today is a new day and there is a day date ahead of me. Granted its with a guy I know I still will be driving myself cause I can't see allowing another guy in the driver's seat for awhile.

Blind Date Recap

2009-11-19T12:32:00.002-06:00

So its the morning after the big blind date. Not only was it was first my blind date ever, it was also my first venture into online dating.

Valley (even more fitting now that I've met him since he reminded me of a valley girl). First off he was exactly like he presented himself. Correct height...about the same as me which is a small disappointment. He is what I call a pretty boy. Its not a bad thing but it isn't my normal type...I tend to think pretty boys are assholes but then again I've never given one a chance before so we'll see.

By pretty boy I mean that he had a blinged out watch on, both ears piericed, styled hair and more labels on his outfit then I own in my whole wardrobe. He said he doesn't care that I'm not into labels or into flashy things. But I still feel that it might. This might still be lingering from middle school when all the cool kids had the brand name of everything and I was in hand-me downs and store band clothing. Maybe its my issue. Regardless due to him being a pretty boy I feel he is somewhat out of my league and that he will know this at some point. Should I be worried??

He is super sweet and the convo only stopped a few times. He kept making eye contact...maybe a little too intense that or I'm not used to making lenghty eye contact cause there would be a pause and he would just be looking at me...and all I could do was wonder if there was something on my face? Was there something hanging from my nose? Was he judging my looks...what was with that intense stare?? Why did I have all this self doubt I know I'm decent. I get told so ever so often. He has told me that I'm pretty (only thru text...he didn't mention it last night until after we left when he sent a text saying I looked beauytful...why not tell me to my face!!!) so I'm puzzled what the long eye contact was all about it was unnerving!

But overall the date was nice and we are on for tomorrow! We're going to a concert and after party!!! I'm so excited!!

One of the other guys I've been chatting with...Hampton. We had a phone date last night!! Finally we've only tried a few times. He seems nice...lacking in nerve but overall nice. I have no idea what he looks like. And I haven't really chatted him up as much as I have with Valley so I don't have any thoughts about him yet. Its kinda lame right now we shall see if it improves.

To add another twist into my love life...I had a guy from high school that I've been talking to. We were pretty close in High School...lots of sexual tension that was never acted on. He was shy and very much the crazy random guy that was intense in almost everything. He is very smart very witty and very much intense. I didn't think I stood a chance with him back in high school cause we were so different but there was a bunch of flirting and one afternoon of driving around topless. We never kissed or anything!!

We had a bad break up and he just drifted away from me. Damn that bitch that selfish bitch that rewrote my friend who changed his good buddy ways to someone that looked down on everyone. I still hate her. I will not forgive her for all her wrongs.

But thanks to Facebook HS boy and I have gotten to know each other again. He is back to being sweet and witty and he now has nerve more nerve then he would have dream of having back in the day. He makes me laugh and think. He is a brave man he is smart and funny. He is also in the military and only stateside for a few more days before going back overseas. He won't be back for another 9 months. This has me so scared.

We started talking about him flying from his base on the coast to see me here in the heartland but flights were well over $600!! Guess the time still isn't right! Plus I'm worried that if we do work out our tension it will be lost forever and that innocence we have would be ruined. This would be the saddest thing to happen. Well the 2nd saddest I won't mention the first. I can't think about the first. I just know that I was securely looking forward to him coming in for a visit and now I have to wait...or ever.

Blind date!!!

2009-11-18T19:30:00.003-06:00

I'm leaving soon for my date...wish me luck!!

Also I have an old friend asking to fly in to town to see me...I'm so on the fence its not funny. OMG what to do??? If he comes in sex will totally happen and then all the tension that we have will be gone...then what are we left with??? I need to make a decision soon!!!

Random Thoughts

2009-11-18T09:12:00.005-06:00

I have a high self image of myself. I think in part because the me I picture is still skinny. So I tend to get upset when I see horrible photos of myself cause I always look bigger than I think I am. Granted I was 115 at 5'8" when I finished High school and at that time my rack was a full C cup so I was HOT if not a bit too skinny. This is howI still see myself even tho I'm now closer to 160 and my rack is a F cup. I'm not fat mind you just curvy and after being skinny thru the formative years it was hard to really accept the new womanly body. I'm currently at peace with my body and I feel great naked its when clothes are involved that I start to doubt my beauty.

I always have sex on the brain like always. I check out people all the time. I image them in their undies too! This has gotten a bit of problem now that I'm single and have unfilled needs! Also now that I work retail and I'm selling people their undies its ruining the fantasy. Like yesterday a older women who looked like she had been thru a hella of lot bought some itty bitty lacy thong that was more fitting for a younger women. GROSS!! Oh and then having teeny boopers buying "sexy" underwear is very upsetting too!

I like/love squirrels hence my profile photo. They were seriously the ONLY thing I enjoyed about the second college I went to the one I hate that I transferred to. The college campus has tons of old trees, trees that have been rooted forever so the squirrel population is huge! I would smoke my morning cig and just watch them and I watched them anytime I was stressed out which was quite a bit.

I am an only child but have a cousin/Aunt that is two years old than me. We were enemies as children as my grandmother was compared us and played us against each other. Today we are friends and have learned to accept the hated that was there was cause by HER. She is now a devoted mother and wife. She is truly inspiration to me. I think she might even be one of my heroes. I knew first hand her struggle and all of her past. I grew up under her rage and was often the recipient of her bad moods. However she wasn't dealt an easy hand and even being semi-stuck in the situation she shows a great deal of courage and a longing to be better than her situation yet she doesn't make excuse for how she was or where she is. This is something I admire in all people. Just because something bad happen to you doesn't give you a lease to let it impact the rest of your life or allow you to always have a scapegoat. Man up and embrace it for it will always be part of you deal with it and move on.

I'm scared that I won't have a child before my eggs are old and dried up. I so want to a the story book life...the fact that I was so close with the Ex and had all that time wasted sucks. Well my counterparts were out dating and playing the field I was totally convince I was with "the one" now I'm losing in the game of life. Is it sick that I get a small comfort thinking that most of these young marriages will fail?

For the first time I'm given the chance to date guys that are like me in religion and race. Since I grew up in the burbs the guys I dated were all white christens. So far their was Blockbuster dude and he was Jewish...man do I love the Jewish culture and customs. This was a passion way before blockbuster dude so don't think that! In fact on one of our first dates, ok our second date where we rented a hotel (just to hang out and stuff no sex happened) we were flipping channels and Chelsea Handler comes on and I'm all like do you know she's Jewish? and then I just start rumbling about how I love Jewish culture and that I have a Jewish build-a-bear. Then later I asked him to tell me something about himself and he said he was Jewish...talk about awkward! I just ate a non-kosher hot dog in front of him and talked about Jews like they were my home boys. Lucky he wasn't offended or anything but gosh I felt a fool.

Anyway I was mentioning this because I have a date tonight with Valley and he is half Muslim or something his family is from Iran but his mother is Methodist??? How that works out I dunno! So asked him out right if he was Muslim religion, he isn't but he was totally fluttered that I asked. I of course went on to explain that I asked so I could research taboos and stuff. Cause I can't think of something worst happening then a major slip up that would insult him.

I'll keep you posted on if I totally stick my foot in my mouth!!!

Online Dating

2009-11-17T13:35:00.003-06:00

So this weekend I stayed in on Friday to update my MySpace page and to set up my Match.com profile. I have taken the first steps into online dating!!! Go me!!!!

I have yet to finish my profile for Match.com because its hard to sit and write something that will attract the guys I want to date. Talk about the power writing has because it will either pull people to me or lose their interest...its pretty stressful!

But the results from updating my MySpace have already produced a few juicy responses. It’s a total boost of confidence seeing all the new hits to my page. I've gotten messages from random guys from my area too! I'm currently chatting up 3 of them. And a fourth guy from Cragislist. I guess its a big welcome to this new world.

I haven't meet any of these guys in person or even talked live with them. Its all email and texting. I meet one of them tomorrow for drinks at a hip bar in the valley. This bar has sofas and beer pongs so its a total boys club! I plan on wearing eye catching and I'm so thrilled for this "blind date". If things go well tomorrow him and I are going to a concert on Friday. He has us on the VIP list for the after party!!!! I'm so thrilled I can't hold still!!! I might go even if tomorrow is lame. We have been talking since Friday and he is funny, smart and employed (at least according to his Myspace page and how he presents himself via text). We'll see!!!

I current dilemma is that I'm getting the convos mixed up! Like one of the guys (here on out Hampton) is a big burger eater and we have talked about our fav places to got burgers. Well I was talking to one I'm meeting tomorrow (lets call him Valley) and I mentioned something about eating meat based on a convo I had with Hampton and Valley was puzzled...rightly so!

I just hope I can keep them separate. Who knew this would be so hard???

Does anyone relate to this??

My Horoscope

2009-11-13T16:25:00.001-06:00

Your growing sense of self worth has come from deep within you -- that's why it's so strong and meaningful. An identity build on outside esteem, however, isn't as solid. You've taken risks and proven that you are a formidable force. Sure, you may lose your confidence because you stumble here and there, but don't sweat it. You're made of stronger stuff than that. Have faith in yourself!

Fallout from breakup and steps to recovering!

2009-11-13T11:19:00.000-06:00

¤Constant thinking about the person. During both busy and down time. While sleeping, while showering and even while working (Doesn’t help that I work with his mother!)

¤Over analyzing the failed relationship including:
Did I put enough work into? (YES, YES and way too much for what I got).
Where did it go wrong? (Who knows but it did and you must owe up to it!!)
Did my depression play a major part? (I really hate that it played a part at all since I’ve only been totally slammed down with depression twice and the last time really did a number of things including finishing off my relationship…however it was already weak.)
What aspects of the relationship worked and didn’t work?

¤Having fantasies that things will work out and that he will realize he wants to be with you. This includes casting out all the shit that caused the relationship to fail and to overlook that the relationship has indeed failed after tons of work and that another go around isn’t going to change anything. Hence the word fantasy as it is all make believe and illusions.

¤Dealing with close family and friends that are surprised that after 5 years you are breaking up instead of getting married and having babies. Since I work with his mother I know for a fact that she completely expects us to patch things up and get back together. This also includes explaining over and over what happened between the two of you since it’s not everyday that long term relationships end and things appeared fined up until the breakup (Ok so maybe it is since we all want to appear perfect to the outside world.)

¤Dealing with breaking up with the person closest to you. This person just shared 5 years of my life. During which time I started college (we met during my 1st week of college); completed college, lost 3 family members, had a horrible family issue reveled that has since ripped apart my mom’s family, and entered the real world. I also lost my job lost all my money and fall into a horrible depressed state for a month where a good day meant I got out of bed and brushed my teeth.

¤Accepting that you are not a failure because the relationship is over. This is a hard one. It also means you have to realize you will find someone who is worth your time and love. This is one that I’m having the hardest time with. I mean come on I just walked away from what every girl is told she should want, a handsome, successful, compassionate going to be a doctor guy. He totally wooed me and on paper he is the greatest person I know and he is one of my best and closest friends without whom my life would be empty. But for the reasons that I’ve mentioned before…he isn’t the ONE for me. Accepting this and having faith that someone else will come along is a true test of faith and my biggest struggle.

¤One of the more complicated parts of breaking up is refocusing your time and energy. So much of time and energy for the last few years as been concentrated on the Ex. I felt for the most part that his success reflected on me and that if I failed to be the perfect supporter that his failure would be my fault. That puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. It also caused me to “mother” him. I would make sure he got up on time, ate, and still had some mental time off from studying and stressing about school. It also hinder my ability to talk openly with him for fear that my woes would be too much for him on top of everything else. For people that aren’t aware of how stressful Medical School is let it be said that Doctors have one of the highest divorce rates of professionals. I would just leave my issues under the surface and deal with them alone. I couldn’t bring myself to relay on him for fear of supplying him more stress and having to owning up to being troubled. Since I have major anxiety about being depressed I tend to put up a front and act as though all is ok. I did this even in front of him for the most part. The Ex knows my whole back story he knows all that I have overcome he was in fact the only person I really and completely talked to about my father’s suicide. His support and his handling of which will always endear him to me. This will forever bond us.

¤Having to rediscover who you are with his filter or influence. I was a completely different person when the Ex and I started dating, then again I was 19 then and now I’m 24! But I was a wild child I was into partying hard and had little respect for myself. I didn’t love who I was and I sought that love in all different outlets none of which were healthy or productive. The girl I became with the Ex was calm, collected and confident. I love this person. I became more worldly and capable. I also become a bit too rigid and fell into “wife” mode. The Ex and I are both old souls and so there was a lot of routine and patterns. Now that its over I’ve been trying to find a balance of who I am…am I the wild child I was before him or am I the square old lady I became with him? Let the journey begin.

¤Withdrawal from 24/7 company, companionship, regular booty, a dependable shoulder to cry on, from your closest friend who knows all your back-story and still accepts and loves you in spite of it. Withdrawal from his laugh, his morning gas, his backrubs, his cooking! Adjusting to not being forced to watch G4 or nerdy shows (though you secretly loved them), adjusting to sleepy alone, fending for one’s self (he did things well that I have no skill at like cooking and having patience). Missing his humor, his touch and all the annoying quarks he has. Missing the chance to be a part of his future, carry his babies, seeing him graduate from medical school and knowing that I helped him a great deal. Missing the chance to be that women I would have been with him.

¤Having Faith in myself. I know that I will fall in love again and I know that first I need to heal and I need to completely recover from losing him. I must have faith that there is a greater plan for me and that someone as great or greater will come and rescue me from myself. I also must master the strength to not just fall into bed with random people or to settle because I have been on the road to marriage forever. I need to be wooed again I need to be chased instead of being the chaser I need to learn I am worth that much and more.

36 insightful Questions

2009-11-12T14:57:00.001-06:00

1.I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . . has fully balanced out and I still get distracted by them and that I really do enjoy the attention they get me.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . Is just that a job and therefore not something to base my worth on.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving alone. . . I listen to bubble gum pop and dance dirty. I also get really turned on in traffic while having daydreams of stranger sex.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . to take relationships slow so that I’m seen as more than an easy lay.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . . a great friend

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . .People whisper.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . I’m totally thinking about my dad and other sad and dark subjects while smiling and trying to have a good time.

8. I’ve come to realize that money. . . is overrated, hard to get and spends too easy and controls the world.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .will never measure up to how I have them pictured in my head.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . .be a little sick and twisted and that’s ok.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . .don’t exist and never have.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom. . . isn’t as cool as I thought and that I become embarrassed of her as of late.

13. I’ve come to realize that cell phones. . . are necessary.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . I was still horny from last night.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . I was alone and okwith it.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . . about being on my own and getting away from my momma.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . .was a child who never grew up but yet has influenced my life in almost every way.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . I dread playing Farmville but that I can’t stop.

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . is a waste of my time and talent.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . will pass without any glamour

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . will be there steady and true.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . do my new place really girly and pretty.

23. I’ve come to realize that the some people . . will never change.

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . is a puzzle and its solved one piece at a time.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . will be a flashback to the other me.

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . .is stoner music like Sublime, Rehab and the like.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . .Know me even when I’m lost to myself.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . has been really tough and a period of great growth.

29. I’ve come to realize that my ex(s). . . were perfect for the person I was when we were together.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . .leave the past in the past and just block it all out and move on.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . .my courage, my mother, and my friends.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . dating.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . explains so much of my present.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . are few and far between I could really use a good party.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . that I won’t start having kids till I’m over 30.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . .is a blessed mess.

Smiles

2009-11-11T15:47:00.002-06:00

Yes, this is my second post today. But I wanted to blog today after the delight of figuring out how to add comments to my page. I'm still excited that I accomplished it and all on my own. I know that it’s such a small thing but with all my regression lately it’s a nice step forward.

Now I have notice that I tend to blog when I'm upset or when I’m scrutinizing my life and current progress as a human being. I swear I am happy and upbeat (though if you have ever seen work in an office you would say I have a bad outlook and that I’m suited for this type of work as I have been told this twice now) I’m just not as upbeat as a cracked out cheerleader…by I do cheerful pretty well.

Reasons I’m currently in a delighted state:

Yesterday I accepted that even though I work with this chick that personally bugs the crap of me with all her brown nosing and her constant need to be early, and all her fucking throat clearing and small internal burps I recognized that we will both be getting the ax and that I just don’t have the energy or drive to impress in my current job. Why should I its not leading anywhere…there’s no point in brown nosing all the people that could pull strings are getting axed too! We do data entry its not rocket science it’s not hard nor complex. I put in my time and I do a good job I just don’t go over the top or ask for additional work like I’m used to doing. I see no point in all that. I have accepted that this chick and I are different and I’ve decided to stop getting angry about it. I’m not going to change her so I’m turning a blind eye to her and focusing my attention instead to blogging and wasting time online while we are slow and have nothing to do.

I went by the Ex’s last night, just to get mail like I promised myself I would. (Side-note I have resolved that as all as I am confused about my feeling for him I will limit visits to mail and baby visits (a cat) I will not linger and I will not contact him for anything else). I did contact him yesterday to get my mail and to tell him about a great sale at a high end mans clothing store but whatever 2 or 1 on suits and dress clothes is a huge deal. But anyway I was there and gone within 30 minutes. Yes I lingered a bit…but once I saw a girl’s number on the coffee table (he just friended her on FB, what crap!) I allowed myself to dwell on the fact that I still want him and that I love him. But I stopped after a while and went home and blocked his FB updates from my page. I didn’t cry I didn’t touch him (because I totally would have jumped him) and I didn’t slip on saying that I still loved him (it has been on the tip of my tongue for what a week now?) but I’m happy how I handled it and I’m confident that things are better this way. I’m also conceived that he out of my league and I did the right thing by releasing him to be a guy and fuck around no way would I be ok with him working in a hospital looking as hot as he does with all the sexual tension that exists in hospitals (there are way too many hot and willing girls I would be green with envy all the time and I don’t need that) Odd that I never thought he was out of my league when we were dating or had doubt that he would stray…why now I dunno.

I find a cheap place that I could totally afford with and without my day job…I would of course have to pick up more hours at the second job but that’s ok. The deposits are reasonable and refundable. It’s close to work and far from my mom. I have an appointment to look at them Saturday. I am thrilled that I found something I could afford that isn’t in the ghetto…I would totally man up and move in the ghetto too if I had to.

I have worked the second job now for 4 shifts and I really really like it. One it’s keeping me busy, which honestly is doing so much for me mainly keeping me off my back. Two it’s putting more $$$ towards bills and such. I’m still pretty jacked up after being off the road of life for 3 months. And lastly it’s a great opportunity to be social and to flirt. I totally love it. And once this job ends (did I mention that my department is being outsourced!!) I will at least have something. God Bless me!

And forth I’m happy because I finally feel as though I am in control again. If even a little it’s more than it’s been in a while. I honestly didn’t recognize how down and out I was feeling until I started dreaming about being on my own again and that really pressed me to get the rest of my shit together. I will survive and I will be strong I will do it for myself and for my father who never got to fight back. (I really should blog about him so that my 5 followers know the back story).

And finally I love that blogging is already giving back to me. I feel so empowered by the response to my blog, my little space online. Thank you all for reading. I am truly blessed.

Ps. if it weren’t for the thesaurus I would seriously write like a 3rd grader. I’m the worst speller I know. I know the words and I read like a mad women but the whole spelling thing has always been my greatest weakness.

COMMENTS

2009-11-11T12:34:00.001-06:00

I did it!!! I did it all on my own!!! I totally figured out the computer text and added a link for comments!!! I'm tickled pink and bouncing up and down right now, I'm so FUCKING PROUD!!!! Hit me up people I got to work...Now how should I reward myself for being so smart...ummm chocolate? a stiff drink? New shoes....ok so I got 4 new pairs over the weekend but I just fixed my blog!!! I'm totally buying shoes and chocolate after work!!

Tequilla & Popcorn

2009-11-09T23:39:00.003-06:00

Where to start!!! I ok so I am lonely I have no one to share the whole boring day with no one who cares to tell them about my day every day. No one who keeps tabs on me no one who keeps a breast of what I do and what is going on in my life...I have had that for the last 5 years!!! This sucks....no one to talk to last before turning in no one to talk to first thing in the morning no one who thinks my crazy ways are cute and that their world revoles a little around me...I miss that the most!!!

Being single sucks...I hate it...I totally hate it. I want to be in love again I want to live for someone else I want someone to care about the boring day to day stuff that adds up the stuff that makes you you!! I really miss having someone that knows the whole back story of my life...I really am not looking forward to share all that deep down depressing shit with another person again and you know the Ex knew my Grandma the one that passed last Dec. The next person I get serious with wont know her and she won't have met him...this is a big slap in the face cause I was happy that she approved and like my Ex very much...knowing that she will never know the man I marry and have children with is very depressing!!! This saddens me a great deal.

My grandma meant more to me than most people in my life...mostly because she was the one last true connection to my father...yes father! i refer to him as my father and dad when alone and not in front of others but that is besides the point. The point is when I lost her I lost another part of him the last true part...Whatever. I don't need this right now. I can't be down and depressed again. I can't give into it. I can't afford the distress the emitional mess that is my father and the cop out.

I can't being lonely and alone. I can't be idel I can't stand being up this late when I have to work tomorrow I can't stand to show weakness...but yet that is all i have to show that is all I have. I am in a very low spot...how the hell do I pull myself up and stand on my own two feet again...this seems to damn impossible right now. I am overwhelmed with all the details I am buried in the fact that I stand alone that I am I and that I have only myself to relay on. This frightens me greatly cause at night in the dark I see the end I see the result of being who I am and being a result of where I come from. During the day it haunts me too I see it too. I run and run and yet there it is at the end to greet me like a long lost friend...this black hole that I pull myself from daily this black hole that has claimed so many that has indeed claimed my father. I can't give in I can't become just a number on some report I can't show the weakness because to show it is to be it.

WHAT?!?!

2009-11-05T10:53:00.004-06:00

So call me crazy but I totally don't remember finishing my last post! News to me. I remember thinking I wanted to post and that I wanted to express the love I have in my heart for my dear friend Waffle House (the person not the place). I'm so glad that she was my rescuer last night. Maybe I couldn't open the wine for a reason. Why oh why am I taking everything as a sign? I know that I'm longing for church again...I haven't been since The Ex and I broke up and this is great disappoint to me. I really work hard at being spiritual and being open to HIM. Religion for me is wrapped up in so many things (isn't for everyone?) and I have some serious issues of anger that I had been dealing with.

There was this great church that felt like home. It was the church of my dreams the people were so sweet and welcoming. It just felt right you know? It was so comforting and it was the first honest attempt I did at getting back into the religious swing of things. I was even thinking of getting Baptised but I didn't and I never have been. This is truly something I aim for. I want to be happy with HIM I want to feel HIS acceptance so much. (maybe this is tied to my father). I know that I'm lost and that I'm straggling and that scares the shit of me. I know that I'm seeking acceptance is the wrong things and that I'm weak. All the sources of my strength seem to be lost. I guess not crying last night was bad...I'm still feeling very weepy...

WOW where did all that come from? That wasn't the direction I wanted this blog to go at all. I wanted to touch on a very dear friend. Last night I ran into a girl that I was besties with way back in Middle school (or Jr. High) we were crazy together and tho I don't really recall all the things that we did I do remember how we ended. I also remember our great start...6Th grade gym first day at a new school in a new place, first day out of elemary school. First day of having to change for gym. I walked right up to her and say won't you be my friend. And she was all like sure and from then on we were tight. All through middle school even tho we ran in different circles and she was way cooler than me (looking back she was way lost) but being her friend allowed me to view that world and to met the circle of friends that I have now.

You see must people including all my friends current and in high school hated me for a while before I grew on them and our friendships. I make a very hard first impression. This is perhaps my biggest fault. Maybe its my defense because once your in there is no filter no faking I let you in totally and show you all of me.

But that sweet girl broke my heart; years after being friends we went to different high schools but remained friends freshman year then sophomore year was our undoing. I had cried over failed/outgrown friendships before but for some reason this one has stick with me tho it all.

I saw her yesterday for the first time in 6 years! She now has a baby but still lives in the same old place (hey I do too!!) I was sorry to hear of her father's passing as I have some very fond memories of him. He was the typically old age dad...worried about his little girl but unsure how to show it and how to bridge the gap but you could tell he wanted to. Or at least that's how I saw it...but I tend to romanticize fathers so I might be totally off. I know they had their share of problems but I know she will genuinely miss his presence and his cloud of chain smoke that lingered around him like a halo. I wonder if she still has his beloved California Raisin collection?

Wine and Tears

2009-11-04T19:44:00.002-06:00

Tonight is a night that I’m going to buy some cheap ass wine and have a good cry. I’ve been on the verge of tears all damn day. Well actually since last night …I’m feeling very wounded and vulnerable. I hope by giving in it the weakness that is surrounding me will allow me to get over it quickly and allow me some perspective on James and I as I really need it. Its way too early for me to be feeling this down and this susceptible to depression I’m not ready not that I am ever ready for the pain that December brings. I think a good long crying fit is what I need. I just need to let it out it release its control on me. I need to get out of this pit.

So now I'm home with the wine! Everyone is gone...thank GOD for small miracles! I have the place to myself and now I can cry alone!!! But I don't get to cause I cannot open the wine bottle and My friend Waffle house comes over...she get the wine open in like 2 sec flats.....I drink the whole bottle alone...way too drunk to be posting a blog but I love her for getting me out of my pit of dispair and for driving me to Waffle house...Ya for hashbrowns...Hell ya!!!

Anyway I didn't cry tonight like I thought I would but instead I talk out my feelings and that was ok too....maybe I'll be ok tomorrow...by the way Waffle House is awesome!!!

Night Cyberspace!!

Long Wind & Tispy Turny

2009-11-03T11:35:00.003-06:00

I’m still not quite sure where my mind is at. I keep going back and forth about why The Ex and I ended and if it’s possible for us to one of the miracle couples that need some time apart to realize that they are perfect together. If you’re my mother you would be calling me stupid right now and saying all I need is a good lay. But I’m not sure if I’m being silly since I can’t shake it. I CANT stop thinking about him!! In traffic, at work, and in my dreams. He is everywhere. Every song is about him in someway everything is a sign pointing me one way or the other…right?

Yea, I’m fucking crazy! I’m driving myself crazy and you know who would be able to thru all the crazy and get my mind off of it…yes The Ex would!!! I haven’t told anyone that I’m still very much obsessed with him that he is in my thoughts 24/7…oh wait I did tell KC cause I thought she would understand but then I didn’t tell her happy birthday cause I was having a mini break down about wither I stilled loved The Ex or not. (I’m currently leaning to YES). Now she isn’t talking to me. Wonderful and I’m going to tell her I was leaning on her so much that I really just needed a friend one that would give me some sympathy and understanding cause they have been there. I can’t tell her any of that because then she would tell the redhead and I don’t want the redhead to know that I can’t turn to her for this. She isn’t soft or comforting or anything else I need right now. She tires too easily of emotion and is very harsh…I can do harsh on my own.

Maybe it was dating Blockbuster that allowed me to see how great The Ex is/was and the Maybe all of this is just me freaking out because I’m convinced I won’t find it again. The Ex is a great catch he’s funny, sweet, understanding, smart, caring, funny, handsome, witty, charming, quick, knows me better than anyone, cooks, cuddles, is a good kisser, a passionate lover and makes me smile and laugh almost daily. If only he was better at calming me down, but really is that his role? If only I knew our problems where fixable that maybe we failed cause we got comfortable and stopped trying cause it was too hard to do among all the other things going on. But do I really want to put the work into again just for us to break down later, like during 4th year, during the first years of his Dr. or when there are kids involved (I keep thinking about the children we never had and how great of a dad he would be and I get really upset thinking of him sharing that with someone else. I also can’t picture having children with someone else…not that I’m even wanting kids right now).

We just don’t do well under pressure…our first breakup (Oct-Nov 2007) right before I moved to Des Moines; we broke under the stress of being far away from each other and him starting Medical School and me finishing college. Granted he sucked on the phone so there grew this distance between us that was hard to close…hints the therapy in Des Moines we wanted to heal and fix our problem…guess it didn’t work too well. Since we buckled with me being depressed and unemployed, when my world get really small. Maybe if I can/could regain focus on my own world and one my own interest instead of focusing my life on and around The Ex our relationship would have been stronger. But he is still very much in my thoughts like is he doing ok, what is he eating, is he really handling rotations well, is he getting up on time, does he think about me, is he hunted with doubts about us and wondering if we could get back together and succeed.

Maybe our only issue was that we both stopped trying stopped putting effort into it. I know I stop primping; dating The Jew helped me see that I wasn’t putting effort into my looks. I have since started wearing makeup daily, wearing jewelry and lipstick, doing my hair a bit more. I just got it colored and cut (3hours I would like back!). But I realized I didn’t do any of that for the last few years with The Ex. I stopped trying to be sexy and girly. I like being girly I enjoy being someone’s eye candy and having them get almost protective over me.

Blockbuster was very manly he did manly things like working with cars and had lots of guy friends. He was also very stubborn and blunt (AKA a lot of Foot in Mouth) he just vibrated with man. In turn it made me more feminine. It was nice that there was a clear cut gender role…unlike with The Ex who is great but is a total softy he is more feminine in his thoughts and reactions. I tend to be very harsh and more guy like in thought. I used to worry about how The Ex would take certain things and how to best soften my reaction. But to give him some credit The Ex did improve a lot while we were dating. Basic training had the most impact and he does better with other guys now though he still has a hard time bonding with them. He has gotten a backbone over the years and is getting a bit more boorish? But he will never be called a jackass or a jerk. This is a good thing something I might have under valued during our 5 years.

Recently with us both dating other people but remaining friends has been very hard and is helping confuse me. We were living together as friends for a while before we ended it so we both had a chance to get used to the idea of no longer being lovers. The damn pitfalls of living together!

But because of that there was no uncomfortable period after the break up where you hate the other person. I have never hated The Ex I haven’t even been really that mad about us. I guess he feels the same since we were both dating within a week or two of breaking up! Crazy but that’s us! I tend to dive head first and what happened with The Jew was no exception. While I dove right into BF land with Blockbuster(3 sleepovers a week and sex galore) The Ex was busying dating a handful of girls. He has yet to get a piece from any of them (I’m proud to say) but he did have a random drunken hook up with a black chick (totally jealous that he went black before I did!!). Surprisingly I’m not upset that I know all this or that I know how far he has gotten with the 3 people he is dating. Nor is it weird to share the details about Blockbuster or the other guys I’m seeing with him. He even comforted my after Blockbuster and I broke up (yes technically he dumped me but I was totally going to dump him for being a boring workaholic who took forever to finish).

What is weird is that I keep thinking he needs to explore and get this out of his system and then maybe he will want to settle back down with me. WTF….am I not a strong women alive in a time where I should say fuck him move on and find someone who wants you and only you!! Why are you even ok thinking that it’s ok to consider taking him back after he sews his wild oats! This is totally wrong and you should have more self respect then that. But I can’t stop thinking that what we had together was good it worked and there is the chance that we will get back together and patch things up. Right now I do want that, I want us to reconnect and fix our errors. I honestly believe that if we did we could mend things and live happily ever after. At least today at this moment I feel this way.

But tomorrow is a different day and I’ll be full of doubts again but the urge to call him and tell him I love him and that I want to work it out is there and its getting stronger daily. I hope I can continue to repress it.

Weekend Plans

2009-10-30T16:46:00.003-05:00

So I have not one but two dates this coming weekend!! I'm kinda of excited. Tonight is a 1st date-date with a guy I've been friendly with. He's older and quite accomplished. He is a big nerd but he's funny and seems sweet. I'm going to be good and try to keep from screwing him. I tend to give it away very easily (are you really that surprised???). Anyway I'm thrilled to be hanging out with him.

Then tomorrow I have plans with an old friend that I used to date. OK lets be honest he is my high school boyfriend...hey don't judge me I know my weakness is falling back on guys I have a history with...I know this is kinda stupid but we have a good time together and only broke up cause he moved away and we were out of high school. I know I'm trying to convince myself that its not crazy that we are hanging out again but whatever. I know its stupid but oh well lets move on!!!

Ex update--I still have mixed emotions about what happened yesterday. He sent me a text asking if I wanted to stay over at the apartment all next week cause he is working 14 hr overnight shifts and sleeping during the day...we have a very clingy cat that is living with him cause my mom won't let me have him at home. But if our kitty doesn't get attention he becomes a real handful.

I thought about the offer...I was very tempted but it could only confuse me more. I'm already bouncing between we will end up happy ever after and we are done and nothing will change that. Its already blared cause we are good friends and there has been some fooling around together. But whatever. A whole week is different.

So I manned up and told him that we need to put more space between us and that I was getting all confused about where we stood with each other! He said he felt the same way...I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or if its bad.

I think I might still love him but if we got back together now all the old problem would still be there. This totally sucks! But I do get my cat for the week so that's good!!

Have a good weekend cyberspace.

Damn this song!

2009-10-28T18:20:00.005-05:00

I seriously am over my Ex or so I like to think. I know we can't work but then I hear this song and many others like it and it totally kicks me off the little ledge I'm on.

Why do I let myself drift into fantasy, do I enjoy hurting myself? I know that I jumped right into another dating situation with a good guy (aka Blockbuster dude) then let myself think about and process the impact of leaving the Ex. Now that Blockbuster is no longer in the picture I'm feeling the lost of both of them! God I'm so damn stupid sometimes.

Sidenote---Blockbuster and I were good together for our short 2 months of dating as we were both on the rebound. Only thing is that being with a new person and having to put effort into it made Blockbuster wake up and decide it was time to go back to his old GF and give it a second try. (This of course sucked to hear but silently I was/am hoping that the Ex will do something similar. )

See how fucked up I'm honestly someone shoot me and now and put me out of my pain.

Blogging

2009-10-28T10:40:00.002-05:00

So Blogging is something I'm very new at, however I can see it being a life long relationship.

Having always enjoyed people watching and learning about others. I guess its because I tend to share too much too soon (see 2ND blog) and want some sort of balance.

Blogs provide this balance and gave a little extra. I love that I can get to know someone on a more intimate level reading their blog than by just meeting then in person. Because in person there are rules to sharing who you are and you can't really really ask the deep probing questions right off the bat. I have never been good at being tactful or giving something space.

I also enjoy the honesty that is allowed with blogging since the limited face to face interaction. Being someone who prefers laying it all out and just sharing I really enjoy other people embracing the chance to bare it all.

Something I hope to gain from blogging is a greater understand of who I am and why I handle things the way I do. A greater self understanding would be wonderful not to mention the thrill of sharing my personal thoughts on such a public form.

Good Grief Miss Molly

2009-10-27T21:08:00.005-05:00

So another aspect of my life that sucks big monkey balls is living at home again as an adult. I hate that I'm writing this blog from my mothers kitchen while listening to her and her bf talk about the stupidest shit. Like digging thru the trash to get the netflix they threw away, then getting into a small yelling match about using the kitchen dish sponge to clean the mailing. I'm ready to rip out my hair just listening to them.

But I did something even worst than that. I let myself dwell in fantasy land tonight. I wanted some company and after doing pretty much nothing at work today I wanted a nice pick me up so I went to visit the Ex. He just started a new rotation for school and is really busy. So I went over to pick up my mail (I have yet to change my address, yes I'm still in denial) and I decided to cook him dinner. I wanted to be nice and help him out. We are still friends and all.

These are the reasons that we won't be able to get back together. Even as much as I tend to daydream about it happening. I KNOW that it won't work I just can't comprehend it...does anyone else relate??

1. I tend to put his needs before my own. I know that him finishing medical school is more important than what I'm doing, since I've got my degree. (I know that this is wrong).

2. I lose focus about what I really want,need and like in efforts to keep the peace and to avoid fights and hurt feelings. (I hate censoring myself I'm not good at it and I end up resenting him).

3. With his chosen career we would move alot and having already moved with him I know we tend to become anti-social and relay solely on each other. (In no way is this healthy).

4. I never wanted to be the kind of women that put her man's doing and feelings before her own...all the time. It became obvious to me that when asked how I was I would first tell who ever asked how the EX was doing and then filter myself into the story.

5. He didn't know how to calm me down after 5 years. He didn't understand how to handle my depression when it flared up. (It did flare up during our last month together and it was the final straw for us).

6. Sex became pretty routine (I know that this tends to happen but with being on a short list of lovers for him there was always the longing for him to have more partners.)

7. I'm just like his mother and I like her now that I work with her daily. This was just scary when we were dating.

8. We tried to save our relationship several times through out our 5 years. Starting like 6 months into it. (that should have been a sign).

Anyway tonight I lingered in the world of make believe when I cook him dinner (a very rare event) and we sat down and watch SYTYCD while giving each other back rubs. Maybe cause we are being forced to try now with the people we are dating its easy to see what we did wrong in our relationship.

I just hope the girls that are lucky enough to catch his eye know what a prize he is and that he is indeed a very rare find. He is sweet, sensitive (almost to a fault), a great cook, funny and always up for something new. His adventures into dating are a bit weird as he hasn't dated since he was 16 and as he says he's too nice for the bad girls and too bad for the nice girls. What does that make me??? I dunno but it definitely makes me single!!

Quirks--X rated

2009-10-27T14:48:00.004-05:00

I'm having one of those days that for whatever reason I'm just horny...really I'm ready to exploded. It might have to do with the sudden draught that is my sex life...or not cause its still hopping a little. Or I could just need to let off some steam. The idea of stranger sex is somehow appealing...and totally hot. The risk, the thrill and the total freedom of it. I wish I was alive back during the whole free love thing it had to be easier than the new hooking up.

God if only I was daring enough to do it...I'm too much of a coward. Not to mention I've have an aunt die of AIDS so I know there are real life faults to my fantasy. But then I'm just feeling very lonely and I find great comfort in sex. I always have. Its my solution to pain...jumping into bed. But my issue currently is that sex isn't really helping but I think that's cause I'm going about wrong and I know that. Let me fill you in.

The Ex and I were together for 5 years...we ended things the end of August, August 28to be exact and by September 3 I was rolling with another dude. Since then the other dude and I have ended things and I'm back to causally doing my Ex. I used to pride myself on the fact that I could successful separate sex from feelings. But since I've been with the Ex a few times my stupid heart thinks we are magically going to get back together and everything will be great. I know that we are never going to get back together.... But any woo now I can't just enjoy getting off cause my heart is holding out hope that we will end up together and I can't reasonable accept that. Then you throw in the whole fact that we are cheaping our relationship (we were good together) by becoming friends with benefits. I don't want to ruin our friendship with cheap filler sex. I just wish I was strong enough to walk away from the sexual part of us. I hate that I cave every time when I know that I'm usually smarter than this but its so hard.

Let me Introduce Myself

2009-10-26T11:03:00.002-05:00

Hello cyberspace. Let me just say that I am really new to all of this. Yes, I have read other people's blogs but never really thought about starting my own. I know your likley thinking, what's changed then cause you are indeed writing a blog post.

Well let me tell you. In the last 6 months my life went from living in one place with one man and knowing (and maybe dreaming) where I was headed. First I had names picked out for our future children and really honestly thought he was my one and only. Now before you judge and call me crazy let me say we were together for 5 years. We were living together and everything...we were on the path to happily ever after. I did truly believe this in some sense and not so much in others.

Other changes include moving back home, first with the ex then again a few months later back to my mom's. I hate being back home and sharing a space with my mother. Yes, we get along and there isn't any trouble besides the mere fact of being back at home and feeling like a loser. However this seems to be a trend among people my age. Most of my friends are either back at home or never left. I guess that's some of the joy about still being in my young 20's I can FAIL and still be ok.

Along with all this upheaval I was unemployed for 3 months, I left my old job so I wasn't able to collect unemployment. Due to being beyond broke for 3 months I am so far behind on my bills and what not. I hate having my phone ring multiple times a day and it only be the collectors calling. I also injured my hip pretty badly and fell into a depression for a few weeks. Needless to say with all my stress mixed with all the stress of my ex (he is a 3rd year Medical Student) and we didn't last.

So here I am at 24 newly relocated back home, employed for the time being, trying to pull myself up and to propel into a new life. A life that is reflective of who I am and what I'm about. I am positive about the forced changes and I have made a few more on my own. That is where blogging comes in. I want to record my thoughts during this time I want to share and I want to be embraced in all the ways blogging allows. I am excited to join the millions that already know the pleasure of this and I'm excited to see the progress I know I will make.